Well after 2 years I finally put up a picture of my husband, Tom.  It is one of my favorite pics of him.  We were at the provincial fair and our youngest grandsons were playing around behind him.  He was having a good time that day.  It was taken almost exactly one year before he died.  On his list of things he wanted to do when he knew the end was coming was to take all the grandkids back one more time.  He did not make it. 

You would think after all this time having his smiling face…

My dad died when I was 9 and my big brother was 18, 6foot 6, and strong as an ox.  I never knew life without him in it.  And now he is gone.  Not sure how much more of this I can take.

Up all night,now making phone calls way too early.  I live on the west coast of Canada, a sister in Alberta, one in Ontario, one in New Brunswick.  All different time zones so by the time we got the news here it was too late to call any of them last night.  Morning comes 4 hours earlier in New Brunswick than here so I started there and moved westward telling each one after the other that our brother is dying.  2 days maybe more if the antibiotics stop his kidneys shutting down temporarily. …

Just need to voice my ire at the scumbags that seem to sneak into this site every so often.  Enough to make me need to vent!  Go away trolls, we want peace not a piece.

Three years ago tonight

The light that was you went out

I was flying away from you

As your soul flew away from us all

I still wonder exactly what happened

Did you know the last time we talked

That it would be the end?

I wish I had

I would have stayed on the phone longer

I would have travelled to see you for one more hug

I would have stayed with you and held you

So you wouldnt have had to start your journey all…

The tree still sits outside because without you to help put on the lights and drink Eggnog and Rum while I decorate there is no joy.

The gifts are sitting unwrapped in the wardrobe because I wont sign the tags and leave your name off.

No baking is done because who will taste them as they come out of the oven and tell me if they are good or bad.

Our house is the only one on our block without Christmas lights on it because I dont know how to make them all…

Well, sleep is not my friend again apparently.  I have been having lots of nightmares, waking up in panic attacks, and just not being able to fall asleep at all.  It had been better for a couple months so it surprised me that it was being such a problem again.  Tonight as I sit here at 1:30am writing and thinking I think I figured it out.  My mind is rebelling against the steps forward I have taken.  Ever since I decided to get back to work I think is when it started to get bad again.  But…

Last night yet again the monsters in my mind came out to play.  I was back in the hospital with my husband thinking he was kidnapped and held against his will.  We were holding him down so the nurses could inject the medication to calm him and he was fighting us all.  My husband had terrible clastrophobia so being held down was its own hell.  All of a sudden it was me being held down, I was Tom I guess and I was feeling all the terror he had felt.  God it was aweful.  I woke up in a full…

This weekend was the wedding of my sisters grandson.  There was a family wedding in April but I did not go to that one.  It was quite a ways away which I used as an excuse for not going but really it was I did not want to go alone.  Right up until Friday when I left home I was going back and forth between wanting to go and wanting to not go but I went.  I have to say Im glad I went.  It was incredibly hard to be one instead of two.  The king size bed would have been heaven with Tom there... …

I have been crying all friggin day today.  Today should have been my husbands birthday.  I should have been making a special dinner and his favorite Strawberry Shortcake Torte.  Instead I sit outside watching the lightning storms that he loved so much and cry.  But it is more than that.

July 18th my sister died on the other side of Canada from me.  She was 98 years old and I have not seen her in a few years now.  If Tom was here maybe we would have been enjoying our retirement, maybe…

I was in chat with someone tonight and the conversation started me thinking about my anger.  I have let go of that and once again didnt even recognize it had happened.  The past few weeks have really been so much calmer and I just took it for granted and didnt give it much thought until today.  I no longer feel gut twisting anger at the doctor who prescribed so much pain medicine to my son he could no longer speak clearly and one night he just stopped breathing and was gone in the morning. …

Today, folding clean towels I realized I have stopped using one of my coping strategies.  After my son died I started carrying a facecloth in a sandwich bag in my purse.  When I would have a meltdown out in public I could go into any bathroom and sob into the facecloth.  If I wet it with cold water I could cover my face with it and it helped me calm down.  Then I could wash the mess off my face, soothe my eyes and tidy up before facing anyone again.  I never left home without that…

Going through pictures for the first time since last July when I had to pick pictures for my husbands memorial.  This time it is to find those pictures of my husband with his kids to give to them on Fathers day.  How can something that used to give me so much pleasure now cause such a gut wrenching ache in my chest that I cant take a breath?  My heart really truly aches!!!!  Maybe this was not such a good idea afterall. 

I dont remember any of my grandparents.  My dad died when I was 9.  He had been sick as long as I can remember.  I still had my mom and older brothers and sisters who took care of me.  I missed my dad, I still miss my dad and wish I had known him better.  Then when I was in my late 20s my mom died.  She had been my only parent for so long I was soo not ready to let her go.  But she did.  If I hadnt had my husband for support Im not sure how I would have gotten through that time in my life. …

Tonight was the 33rd anniversary of my husband proposing to me.  He is gone now and I dont think anyone but me knew the significance.  Quite a few people knew it would be a hard day for me just because he is gone even though they didnt know exactly how hard and they tried to include me in some celebration or another.  I turned down dinner with a daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  I turned down another daughter-in-laws offer to buy me lunch.  I turned down an online invite by a very close…

I have 7 grandchildren.  The oldest is 21 and the youngest 2 are both 11.  Four boys, Three girls.  Losing their uncle in 2010 was the first real experience they had with death.  It was hard, yet kids have their own way of looking at things and they knew he had suffered enough.  That he was ready to let go of his crippled, pain racked earthly body.  But then their big strong Papa got sick.  The papa that took them to the Provincial Fair every year.  The papa that taught them how to read the…

My daughter and grandchildren came home for the holidays.  I knew I  needed to give her something meaningful of her dads and I knew it needed to be the sweater he wore so much the last month of his life.  It hadnt been washed and still has a feint hint of Tom.  It has been folded in his dresser since I brought it home the morning he passed away.  I would take it out and hold it and cry into it more times than I can count.  And yet I knew it was the one thing his daughter wanted to have.  So…

Today out of nowhere came the urge to purge.  The storage areas in the basement were taking over and more so with my husbands stuff toted up and stored there too.  So I went through it with a calm I havent felt until today and could easily give up at least half of all the toys.  Im not sure if I have said I was a daycare provider for my whole working life.  For the first 16 years I worked in a group daycare working my way up to head supervisor.  But then my daughter, 20 at the time, became…

It was my quilt guild Christmas party tonight.  It has been quilters only for as long as I have been a member so I thought I could handle it since it wasnt something I had done with my husband in the past.  Oh how foolish of me.  There was a member whose dad has been diagnosed terminal and this will be their last Christmas as a family.  And I thought, oh how I wish we could have had one more Christmas, what a gift that would have been.  One table of ladies was talking about how wonderful it…

I took 2 grandsons to our local boys hockey game tonight.  My granddaughter was working at it and we were having a sleepover anyway so it was logical to go.  It was a good game, home team won, hurray!  But someone was so evidently missing from the seat beside me.  Oh how it hurts to be doing these things without him.  The grandsons should have had their Papa there cheering as loudly as they were or as he was prone to do, cheering for the opposing team just to get a rise out of them.  I know…