In a couple of weeks it will be 2 years since my world collapsed, how can it be 2 years when it feels like yesterday, nothing has changed for me in this time, I have not let go nor have I moved on, even if I wanted to I cannot.I suppose I am a bit jealous of people who find it so easy to carry on and move forward with their lives,how do they do It? it will never be like that for me, ever.Today the ache I feel inside me is so strong I just want him to walk through the door and tell me this…

Today's been one of those days where I just can not breathe, I woke up like it, all day it's been on and off tears except when i was at work when I had to play at 'let's pretend everything is o.k and I'm not falling apart', which I'm actually pretty good at now, anyway it's been just such a hard day, I miss him every day, every second of it, but I try and keep it together, but on days like today I just lose it, I even feel angry and mad at him for dying, I shouldn't but I do, how could he…

Talking with a so called friend today, she asked how I was doing , I just shrugged my shoulders to which she said, you do know there's people worse off than you, you know, I said I knòw there bloody is, but I feel lost , to which she just shrugged her shoulders. Until people lose their soul mate they can never understand, EVER! . I relate to nobody anymore, Also I was asked why don't I have facebook anymore, I said I can't bare to see happy families and loved up couples photos anymore, I was…

So today I literally can not breathe, I feel totally consumed with longing and needing him so much, god I wished he knew how much I need him, he's the only person that can make this go away, I want him back so much I've just had a terrible week. I'm 43, how am I gonna do this for years and years when I'm struggling to hold on. Since I woke up this morning all I can think about is the first time we kissed, it was 20 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday, it just popped in my mind…

It's been 18 months now, even though it still feels like yesterday.Is it always going to feel like yesterday? everyday feels like the day before, nothing changes, I feel like I'm in the movie groundhog day, in fact I wish that this was a movie and I would wake up and it would be different and I would open my eyes and Andy would be here and we would get our happy ending, but we all know on here that happy endings are not real. I'm so so bloody tired, I go to work, do the usual mummy stuff,…

In the 15 months that Andy has passed I've had many dreams of him, I even partly believe I have even experienced what some people call visitation dreams and also a couple of other strange occurrences, even though I admit too being a total non believer in a so called afterlife before Andy died, I'm finding myself becoming convinced that there is indeed something,  especially after last nights experience,  for the past few days I've been extremely down (well more than usual as I'm always down)…

My sisters  husband left her 3 months ago just walked out, today she rang me and told me that he's come back, and all I could do was put the phone down and sob and sob, I should be happy for, she was devastated when he left, but all I feel is jealously and anger because she has her man back and I will never have mine back, I hate that I've become this jealous monster, who can't stand to see people happy, this is not who I am ,or this is not who I was, too be honest I don't know who the hell…

1. I really don't know what I would do without this site, knowing I can come on here and read  other peoples posts and know that I'm not going insane and I am indeed normal is a great help to me, I just cannot relate to people anymore, I have learnt that so called friends do not give a damn about me anymore, and im sick of people asking me "how are you, are you o.k", No I'm not…

I have said many times that I don't really believe in an afterlife, even though I've  had dreams that I can not explain, but earlier I experienced the strangest thing, I was sitting on my sofa reading a news paper when a drop of water dropped on to the paper, then my dog started acting strange he seemed a little spooked, he was looking from one end of the room to another in a bizarre way, I checked the ceiling and it was dry it could not have fell from there, anyway I just googled water…

Going to the seaside should be fun right? well I took my daughter yesterday, and it was horrible, she missed her dad so much, the sadness on her face was unbearable for me,We spent most of the day walking around silent, shes 10 years ols so she should be full of life, I saw her watching watching other children playing with there dads on the beach like she used to with hers and it was heartbreaking.Its been a year and 3 weeks since we were robbed of the person we loved most in this world and…

This time last year, I was probably sitting on the sofa with Andy, chatting rubbish and he probably cracked a joke and I'd be laughing so hard, he was the wittiest person I've ever known, unique even, but I'm not sitting laughing, I'm sitting crying and in disbelief that its been nearly a year, it seems like yesterday,  and I can honestly say I didn't think those first few months could get any worse, but they have, IT DOES NOT GET EASIER,  TIME IS NOT A HEALER, it is all bollocks, all of it,…

Todays my birthday, im 43 and alive , last month was Andys birthday , 43 also, except he's dead, and never got to celebrate his birthday,  and although I'm alive, I refuse to celebrate mine, I mean, what the hells to celebrate,  I told my family many weeks ago, not to get me a card, or even mention it, to their credit they respected my wishes, but a friend of mine I don't see to often called to see me earlier, she brought me a cake, and I know I should be grateful and I also know she ment…

I saw someone I knew today, she came over and hugged me and told me how sorry she was to hear about Andy, and she proceeded to have a proper conversation with me , which is so rare these days as most people I know seem to avoid me now, I think that don't know what to say to me , anyway I was thinking how lovely and kind she was , and then she uttered the words"but your only 42 you will meet someone else one day" for fucks sake, why do people always say this to me , it drives me mad , and…

Last night , I had the most amazing if not slightly confusing dream, it was the kind where you are unsure if it was a dream or that it really happened. I remember it just being a standard dream , some random man was following me and I ran into a room to hide , this is the point it got weird, I was standing facing a wall when all of a sudden I felt arms wrapped around me from behind and put them hands on top of mine, I instantly knew it was Andy , I just felt it , I even said Andy is that…

I really don't think I can do this much longer, I can literally feel my heart aching, i feel like i can't breathe, I never knew you could ever miss anyone so much, its killing me, I knew it would be bad but after 7 months I guess I stupidly thought maybe I wouldn't feel like im dying inside so much, I was so wrong, I don't know if I'm just having an extremely bad week but he's in my head 24 hours a day don't get me wrong, I want him there but I can't take it (well actually thats a lie , I…

I've just so had enough , the kids are in bed and it's just another night just sitting here, I have no intrest in the t.v, in fact I have no intrest in anything at all. I miss my conversations with my Andy, he always made me laugh he had a quirky sense of humour which I adored. When he died everyone said there will never be anyone like him, and there won't be. I work in the day so I'm kept quite busy , but these nights sat alone are killing me, the days just seem to roll in to one, I can…