On that very night of April 28, 2011 when my husband, Danny, was killed, we both shared a "I love you". That was the very last time I heard him say "I Love You" to me. Since that night, my life was turned upside down. Loosing my husband who was just 29 years old, and had a full life ahead of him and a family to support  caused a huge loss and trauma in my life. When I myself lost my Daddy, I said…

i just came back from a vacation trip along with my son. he enjoyed his time out there and out of the house for a bit. i missed danny so very much and would have given anything for him to be along with us during our vacation. however, seeing my son's joy and happiness, was just amazing, like if I was seeing danny and feeling him close to me at all the times. although, i had guilty thoughts I dont regret it at the end. i love danny so much and know how much, deeply he loved our son, and know…

1 year today was forever life changing. We were a family and in matter of seconds went to become a widow and only parent to our son. I miss you more than ever as each day goes by. Time has not seem to heal my pain. Things are different and cant seem to get used to the idea that you are gone, gone for 1 year. I had sweared that I could not be without you for a single day, now how is it that I have been without you 365 days!. Maybe I am beginning to believe what you often said to me: "God…

For the past 11 months, I have been avoiding all that reminds me of my "new" reality. Avoiding, outings, family reunions, friends, events etc. Because that reality check up, hurts to much, creates anxiety, loneliness, frustration, anger, hate, you name it. The reality that I cannot change, the reality that my husband or daddy are no longer here with me.

However, there are times that I cannot control reality from punching me in the stomach. obstacles that trigger reality without me…

so this is where I get the chance to write all of my feelings. and i am going to do just that. For the past 10 months, since my husband's passing, I have been stucked in this house literally 24/7 besides going to work and buying necessities. Yesterday, there was a small get together for my husband's aunt, so after so much thinking, thinking, I decided to go along with My son... I knew that my husband would have wanted us to go, so that kept me moving forward with the plan. I took the step…

my life has been upside down since my husband was killed.. i try each day to fight against all emotions and try to find ways to cope, but my pain inside my heart does not seem to get better but worsen with time. i try to avoid all reunions or meeting with family because i just want to avoid people asking me how I am and rather stay indoors all the time.  i just think about my husband and cant believe or accept that he is really gone. i am literrally avoiding all subject with regards to my…

I just have not been able to stop the tears since this morning. I just want to give a huge hug and kiss to the love of my life, my sweet husband, Danny, but feel so helpless since I cannot do that anymore!. I can say and scream and maybe he will listen but no warm hug or kiss. As I am driving to work this morning, I cant help to see all of the advertisement in the streets, the radio, the t.v. Can it all just  go away!? It hurts too much to know that today is Love Day and I am without the…

9 months, 10 months after his passing I had a conversation with him about his passing. I dream with him very often but most dreams he does not say anything to me. Last night was different. He called me on my cell phone to tell me that he was okay. His voice sounded so comforting and in peace. I was the one who was very much frustrated, crying to him. He said that sooner or later we all have to die. I said to him, no, you were just taken way too soon. He just sounded like in peace and trying…

Time is passing by and it seems to hurt a lot more than in the beginning. At the beginning I was in so much shock that I could not believe Danny was taken away. His life was taken. He was killed. Now, 9 months later, instead of feeling a bit better, I just feel worser and worser. It feels as if reality is sinking in harder. The reality that he is not coming back home. The reality that I no longer have him here with me and by my side during nights or in the mornings when I wake up. Reality…

At this time of year, i will get Danny a new pair of shoes, sports jacket, new pair of glasses, or a cologne maybe??.

For Dad, it was always the same gift, either a warm sweater or a jacket?....

Now, i am no longer shopping for xmas presents for either of them.. I am now buying flowers for both of them..

My mother and I share the…

I am becoming to realize that its just the "two" of us.

Yesterday, I took my son to the park. I got him on a swing when a couple (mother & father) along with their baby approached me and got their baby on the other swing. I am pushing my son and they are pushing theirs. They are all laughing and enjoying each other and their baby. I felt so lonely and uncomfortable. I realized that now it was just my son and myself. No more of my husband, No more Dad to my son. It felt like an…

I am thankful for what i have. I am thankful for having a beatiful son, Sebastian, who is the result of the strong love my husband and I shared. I am thankful for Sebastian looking exactly the same as his daddy. I am thankful for having food to eat, a sweater to wear, a bed to sleep in, and a beatiful and most amazing/supportive mother. But can't help to think and shift my mind more towards all of the things I no longer have. I dont have my father here with me. I dont have my husband either…

i have not been able to stop my tears since this morning. i hear, see all of the emotion in others for the holidays to come. i feel envy for those happy family's hosting dinners, getting together and looking forward to spending the holidays together. However, I must admitt, i too, was there just last year.

I cant help to see elderly grandfather's holding their grandchildren, or playing with them at the park. How i wish my father was here to do the same with my son. I see a young…

I wonderfully dream with my husband real often. Last night's dream was so much more real than others. It was wonderful and sweet. I felt his real presence.Happy times, as the ones we both had before his passing. It lasted long. I was happy again. I had a purpose, I was cared for, I was protected, I was loved. Never did I wanted to leave that dream.

However, when waken up this morning by my 2…

I just remember and found a couple of days ago, a special song my husband often sang to me when we were just dating.. Some of the lyrics said the following:

"Only God, Only Death, Will Ever Separate Me From Your Love"

The above came true, as today I realize that yes, Death did separated us from our Love.…

How could death come in between us and separate us. Maybe, maybe, in my wildest thoughts, maybe a Divorce? but, you would be here for your son 100%. However, things did not turned out that way. I lost you to Murder!. We spent almost 12 years together, so much memories to treasure; I got 12 years;. but our son Sebastian only got 19 months. How is that fair??? 12 years vs. 19 months. This is just not right, this is not what my life was…

What should it been the Biggest Celebration has turned into moments of nervousness, anxiety, despair, sadness, but joyful too. My son will turn 2 this Friday, September 16, 2011. I also feel guilty, as a bad mother for not having that excitement in me for my son. He has already lost so much that it is so unfair for him for me to feel this way. My husband loved my son so very, very, much. Last…