I was reading some entries about medicating yourself . So I drink to fall asleep and take melitonin.Since my wifes death Iam trying to take better care of myself .I have been telling myself ,put a little less vodka in the orange juice. My liver won,t take this forever ,like I have a charmed life or somethng "Wrong!!!" Whos kidding who. I feel much better today. Its still very strange without her even though we never really…

So tomorrow would have been my loves 52nd birthday! God I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. Instead he has been gone for three months now. I'm so lost without him and I really don't see things getting any better!! How do I go on when my heart is gone? He was my everything! I still find myself going to tell him something and then realize I can't.

I hate this dam laptop

,you know how it will scoll automaticlly.if you know know it just does it . I lost my faher in a car accident he was driving a VW bus(you don,t seem anymore ,and he was returning from work.I was driving down the same highway when it happend and saw the wreck. I went around and went home,when I didn,t see the vw in the yard I drove back to the accident,unfortunatly it was his VW they had taken him to the hsopital the cop there said if they knew he was retired af…

On that very night of April 28, 2011 when my husband, Danny, was killed, we both shared a "I love you". That was the very last time I heard him say "I Love You" to me. Since that night, my life was turned upside down. Loosing my husband who was just 29 years old, and had a full life ahead of him and a family to support  caused a huge loss and trauma in my life. When I myself lost my Daddy, I said…

I was in walmart and shopping,I was taken with a spell of depression in other words took me over uuncontrolable I fought it back.You think you can handle a loss but its not that easy.So here Iam in a empty house.Its ironic,because she never stayed home that much.So I spent part of the morning planting  a fruit tree she bought, trying to figure out where to plant the other ones.

My stepson doesn,t call but bless his heart he paid for some temple visits to honor his mother.I had a good…

My Mom met my Step Dad, Dave in January of 93, I had just turned 12 years old. I remember when I first saw him in his Ford Bronco with his polyester pants and shirt. I would later tell my Mom that he looked like a dork. I would resist my Mom dating him since she had just filed for divorce from my fist Step Dad who was an alcoholic and abusive. I was not ready for another Step Dad. In November of 1993 Dave would be transferred from IL to Texas. My Mom would move with him the following month…

I really don't think I can do this. How do I go on without you??  Why did you have to leave me a week before my birthday? At least at that point I was still in shock and numb to everything around me. But dangit your birthday is coming up Wed and I can't handle it!! I want to be with you so bad it hurts. There has not been a day thats gone by that I've not cried for you! I loved you so much and still do. I blame God for taking you away from me. Part of me died the day you did I feel so guilty…

Today we planned to knock down the deck off the 2nd floor kitchen,replace the atrium doors with windows.Got home a little later than planned last night which meant I had to get up quite a bit eariler than I wanted. It was exciting because we had planned on this change for a while.I then realized I get more pleasure doing things for other people than doing things for myself.Even though the windows look good and the yard looks different and the patio looks better,there is no feeling of…

this will be the 1st fathers day with out my dad i no it will be hard coz i havent got my dad now 2 sent cards to buy his favret sweets or cakes wen i woz a kid he woz ther for me allways taking me to casualty to get stitchit up or bandig up or clean me up if i fell like the tim he used tell me wen i woz 3 i got away and ran in to a lamp post he had to tak me bac to his mums…

To say I miss you in such an understatement.  It feels so weird to be a widow at 53.  I thought we were going to grow old together and see our kids get married and grandchildren and all that.  I love you so much as if you were right here next to me.  I am going through the motions, but my heart is so heavy. How do people do this?  All I can be sure of is that I know you are in Heaven and God needed you for some reason I do not understand.  But I will be good here…

She always took care of everthing. Somethings she did were financially bad.I knew better to go up Aginst her.So she ran into a brick wall.The hospital always fixed things. We were all niave on what was going on.She was a dialysis patient so going in for major medical surgery did not go well.

So now Iam doing it alone Will lt ever come together ,I suppose it will. I suffer bouts of depression ,Iam sure everyone does that looses a loved one In my life she was always off…

Iam so tired. I need to cut back on the drink I have everyday. When she was alive their was this sick scenero where she would out of the blue throw me out. I used or use alcohol as a crutch. I have never dealt with the problem of her vindicative ,revengful mood swings accept to accept my fate and drive around with my clothes in the car untile she felt better. She was always making irational decisons and then backing out.Like buying new homes ,maby she sensed my subconscious feelngs about not…

Memories of Pebbles

 There are good memories, the kind we like to recall, the ones we often recall. They are the memories that we most often recall, the ones that we most often share with others when asked about our loved ones who are no longer with us. These are the memories we no longer need to close our eyes or search our mind for. They are instantly there on the tip of our tongue soothing like sweet honey to our palate.

Like the well-worn stones in a…

Hope For The Broken Hearted 

Many people know the pain of watching people disappear from their lives when they are grieving, facing a long term illness, when they have a special needs child or when they deal with any sort of problem that needs more than a quick fix. If that's your experience, then make sure that you are there for others, since you know…

Sittin  in church  today  and  sing  some songs  in church that reminds    me   of my  mother  and   made me  cry today  oh  how  do i miss   her  so .  i think  the  reason  why  is  because  i  sat in the  same spot   like  i normaly do  when  she  was  here  with me ,  so  deeply  i  know she  was   with  me   in  spirt  and  i  she  is  in  a  better place   too.  I  miss   her   and  Love  you  Momma.

Go home tonight ,pour myself a drink (vodka) watch some TV go online and go to sleep. Tommorow I go with my stepson to a buddist temple (hes american but honoring his mother thru a buddist cermony) we go 7 sundays in a row. Buddist cermonies are tedious(no disrepect) I like a lot that goes on thou.

I need to plant some trees she got . hang some of her clothes in the closet shoes by the door.I was thinking I would toss everyhting or give to goodwill(which I will )but you know…

Its like you have to keep going and going and going. There is no stopping no time for meditation,no time to be alone collect your thoughts.What a horrible thing for me to see my wife die because I said pull the breahting tube out. In your mind the doctors and nurses are lying about her condition.I really should be punished ,would that be more misery. I stuck by this woman who really at times ran be through the bowels of hell. Oh I craved the good times as they were .I never had structure…

I hope this is okay to share. My husband sent me this text message and it still brings me to tears, I feel so fortunate to have had someone love me like that, but my heart is broken:

"thank you for being the most giving person I've ever known, I don't deserve you but grateful beyond words"

He sent that to me at work when he was sick.

 today started like a normal day,did some errands,banking,got my haircut,went to get an eye exam,did the grocery shopping,went to the pet store.Things that were always a 2 person job in our household,I did alone.the hair dresser said Vince you lost a lot of weight you feeling ok.Well I lost 20 lbs but I'm still 5 9 and weigh 215.I wish I had someone around to talk to about looking bad.Putting the groceries away to feeding the birds was a 2 person job in our house.Cooking dinner and…

My soulmate passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. It was a sudden, unexpected, horrible accident. The instant we met we both felt this intense, electrifying..gravitational force pulling us together. It was like time and sound stopped and all we could do was look into the depths of eachother's souls. We discussed it and both felt it. Due to many different circumstances, mainly our distance, we were only able to be together on occasion and thus didn't declared ourselves a "couple." We shared a very…