Everyday there is something new to contend with. I am not sure where the strength is coming from except that God and I have a new relationship and I am trusting in Him to lead me to where I need to be. For whatever reasons He took Michael home and who is anyone to question that?

In the beginning I struggled with thoughts of suicide - such a cowards way out. But in my grief I felt this was the solution to end the pain. Instead I turned - or God pulled me - in His direction.

I…

Nine weeks; 63 days of missing you. Your clothes are still in the closet and in the dresser drawers. The last pair of pants you wore are on the bed post where you hung them. I can't seem to move your sneakers out of the way.

We stopped eating dinner at the table because I can't bear to see your empty seat or have anyone sit there. Still can't bring myself to make a cup of coffee because that was our thing. Spanish coffee and sitting on the front porch every morning talking about our…

One holiday down - two more to go. I was afraid that it was going to be too emotional a day to be around anyone. The original plan was to send the kids off to their father's family so I could stay in bed all day alone with my tears and grief. For 2 months I have not given myself persmission to stay in bed and cry. There has been so much to do every single day that I couldn't give myself that time.

But my kids had other plans and were not having any of it. My son and I met my daughter…

well I have come to the point "have to move on and deal with the grieving moments as they come up .Iam almost sick of trying to live alone. Which brings up good point I have been scared of trying anything new . I realize in a small way or big way in order to break out in the cruel world I need to get out there,it goes against my internal feelings .

We remember our loved ones who who have left us as I do,however unless I allow myself to sink into a depressing slump there has to be a…

it tims i wish i cud have a time mashin to go back in tim to spend more time wit my dad and othr family members i hav lost i no i wud stilll do the sam mistakes i made i all ways feal guilty tht i left my dad on tht last horbel ward on the 2nd march if i had not bean compling to the nurses i wud of had a bit more tim to spend wit him the 3rd of march we got ther 2 late he died at 220am we got ther at 230am i wisht i spent more tim with som of my cuzens who died…

Last couple weeks I have been alternating from being angry with you to loving you and all the emotions in between. The anger is something I need to contain. I shouldn't have shared those thoughts with anyone. I am sorry Michael. The angry stuff is my problem. I need to come to terms with the fact that we are all human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we love too hard, sometimes we allow our hearts to rule and sometimes we need to reach out to people who get us. You accused me once of having…

I have yet to come to terms with my wifes death She died May 26 2012 in the afternoon around 5pm. She died becasue I removed the life support she was on. Yea you know the patient was so messed up from Doctors trying new things on her (heart valves,pace maker They screwed up or maby they were trying to save her life and her condition went down hill(she was already on dialysis) made  it even worse.She lived her life in her own way.Its ironic she said see you on the other side,I was so neg…

Yes, I have lost my mind. In my grief and lonliness I let you take my hand. We walked and I listened to you tell me how your life has been. All the while in my head trying to climb over my pain.

We ended us 12 years ago, both broken hearted and scarred. Then God sent me Michael and he healed my heart, saved my life and showed me that I was loved. And then I guess God had other plans and took Michael home with Him. So once again I am not only heart broken - but broken. My spirit, my…

Everyday I wake up hours before the alarm goes off and I lay there in the bed we shared for 12 years. Alone again. 52 days of being alone. Then the panic starts to settle into the hole where my heart used to be. It starts to spread through my body and I wonder if I am having a heart attack. Do I finally get to die? Can I just be still and let it come over me? I can't breath - gulping for air. All the things I have to do today - all the phone calls I have to make -decisions that I don't know…

I remebered something about my wife and it left me just as fast as I remember it. Its all natural ,I know having flashbacks cann,t be helped ,it gets to be mental torment(torture) I pretend to be getting thru this but Iam not . I was walking to another building as part of my job and the thought hit me Iam really out there alone shes not coming back,insisting I take care of my health issues. nagging me asking for a massage ,feeding me ,going out and eating(rolls stuffed with meat at the…

I feel like I have spent three years in a stunned stupor. My oldest son passed nov.22,2009. its coming up on thanksgiving this year. Its an emotional time. but I lost my little twin a year and a half ago. with the first one I learmed about wrongful death. there was no justice for bill. Derek was killed too this time there will be justice. He was doing community service with the dept of natural resources. he was sitting with two co workers on and front loader taking a break and sitting in the…

Michael, where are you? Why can't I feel you around me anymore? I want to believe you made it to Heaven and maybe that's why I don't feel you near. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore except the pain in my chest is going to eventually kill me. I alternate between wanting to kill myself and feeling guilty for thinking I know better than God.

It's 49 days today since you passed. Days of confusion, pain, lonliness, grief and an agony that I never knew…

ITS HARD TRYING 2 STAY STRONG ESPESLY DECEMBAR CUMING UP AND HAVING MELT DOON TEARS NO DAD HEAR THISS YER U GET SIC OF SEANING THE XMAS ADS ON TV AND XMAS TREES UP ALL REDY SHOPS PLAYING XMAS SONGS ALL REDY I NO I MUST SOND LIKE EBERNEZER SCRUGE BUT IT IS HARD TO STAY STRONG ALL THE TIME I NO XMAS TIME WOZ MY DADS TIME HE WOZ BORN ON BOXING DAY IN 1935 AND DIED THE 3RD OF MARCH THIS YER …

At this point and time I thank the lord for making me into a strong women. I am a private mourner. I have the strength to walk away from arguments. Losing two sons so close together. has been a living hell. I am on some really strong meds to help me cope with it all. My heart is shattered, I refuse to let other people get to me i don't explain my meds either. So they think I am a bipolar bitch thats fine, my finances too. i am refusing to raise my voice and have a screaming match over thing…

I have to be doing something right last week rugs got paid for from godly people. now this week, I just go through mcds, my bill is 4.89 I realize driving up to the window I'm a few cents short and didn't have my debit card on me. so I was going to be feel dumb asking to take something off. I go to tell her and she she's you don't have to pay for yours the pastor in front of you just paid for yours. Speechless I cried like a baby. it may be minor but to me that was more than nice. i think…

Some people see a light, feel a breeze, a touch, smell flowers, I see a pair of Cardinals.  I am of Irish ancestry and birds have also been thought of as messengers of death in my family. Just sayin....

At 10 pm, on July 2nd this year, (before my sister died,) there was a Female Cardinal sitting on my…

I'm afraid to truly enjoy life because when I do the Lord reminds by taking another beautiful flower from my Garden of life.

It seems as though he keeps taking the ones I'm closest to. So I guess you can say I'm nervous and constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That being said, it doesn't matter because you're never prepared  and with each loss it's completely different type of grief  I'm beside myself and have never felt more alone. My Mom was my very first best…