today I tried to nitty gritty clean, to try to think of something else, but it did not work, cryed all day while cleaning. I miss my shawn with all my heart, how does god take my only child, how does my life go on, I know it wont, I know I cant. to feel so alone so empty everyday. life sucks bad.

ok I bought another chain, and by the time I got home, like 5 min drive. it was broke to. I was so mad and upset I e mailed the company, 5 e mails latter im no further ahead. I went back at 9 30 this morning and she has to order me a new one said it was defective. not wearing it I feel hes not with me,  my nerves are just a mess, cry cry cry, I feel my worlds so messed up. we live in a uncareing , mean world. people just don't understand . if I had lost his finger pring I would die and I…

today I broke my chain with my sons finger print on it,  with swollen eyes I drove to the mall to replace it, I explained what happened and what it held, I had bought the first one there. she was rude and heartless. it took everything I had not to slap her face. I cryed all the way home.

my feelings today, how can I believe in god when he has put me in such pain. when he sees im dieing foe my son. the emptiness is to much for any mother to take. how can god take away my only child, my love. nothing is real anymore, I pray everynight for him to come to me, and nothing. can my son hear me? is my shawn still with me? im still in a big black hole, I feel like screaming but no one hears me. I just want more then anything to go with him, for shawn to reach out grab my hand and…

I hate sat and sundays, I always picked shawn up from work on the weekends , we would go shopping, on wed he would come for the day.,i cry so hard and so much my eyes hurt everyday.without him its getting worse.  everything seems so black, I just don't care about anything, just wanting to go with him, to kiss and feel and see him again. theres  nothing else I want.  I love him so much,  

shawn, my heart is so broken, I cry all the time, yesterday was so bad, I never saw your bunnies for almost two days, then last night  there it was. I cryed some more. every min of the day I miss you so much, and love you behond words. I would give my life to touch you, to kiss you again, I ask every night for you to help me, I cant do this without you. I need so bad to feel you here. I smell your clothes every day, to feel you near me. I cant go on without knowing you are happy, and with…

today I got a call from my sons friend, they were in big brothers many years ago. he wanted us to go for dinner at his cottage on Friday. my heart sunk, I thanked him and said no,  I just cant right now , its to early, I don't want to ever go,  he was my shawns friend not mine, it just feels wrong for us to go. shawn was close to him, not us. I can feel shawn saying to me its wrong, and I have not seen any bunnies for two days, everyday shawn has sent them to me, it made me feel he was here,…

I ask everyday why he took my baby, my only child. no one comes around anymore, I feel so empty . even my sisters don't come around, I asked them to go with me to see shawns stone, but nope. I get so mad at people with kids,  it hurts to see others happy. I forget how to laugh and smile. why am I here anymore, why does shawn not come to take me with him? I want to go. its like being in a dark small room, and im screaming for my shawn to come, screaming to stop my pain. hes my life my love my…

my darling son shawn, I miss you more then words can say. life without you is no life. my heart is so broken, I talk to you everyday every min, but you don't answer me, I keep asking why did you leave me ? I feel alone, empty, I love you so very much, you are my life. I can see your face and I die all over again. I cant stop crying, dear god I need you, I beg you to take me with you,  please don't leave me here,i want so bad to hold you touch you and kiss you, one more time. you are my world…

today I went to sit  by my son, I poored my heart out to him, I told him thank you for sending me bunnies everyday, I know hes with me. as I was crying I turned  and there was a bunnie beside me. I cryed so hard, I know it was his way of saying im here mom. god I love him so much and miss him deeply.  tomorrow  it will be 32 years since my mom left. I remember it like it was yesterday. tears tears tears I know   my moms looking after my shawn, my two angels. I hurt so bad.  I just want to go…

yesterday my sis came to see my garden for my son shawn, it only took her a month. she said its very nice and walked away,  that reall hurt. I did it for my baby and I know he loves it . family can be so cold  

I just got back from seeing my son, they just finished putting his stone in, omg the pain I feel, my heart just cant take any more. I dropped to my knees and cryed so hard,  it was such a shock again. dear god how much more are you going to hurt me. I need shawn so bad, how can I go on, I just cant anymore .

on November 5 I was taking my son shawn to get his meds he was having trouble breathing, when he got back into the van I said are you ok and he just fell over. I was screaming for him to wake up, 2 doctors ran out to help us. across the street was the hospital  they drove my van over and soon after they told me hes gone. oh god I wanted to die and I still do. hes my only child. without him theres nothing left for me. I go see him everyday, I cry all day and night, and I pray every night to…