its so hard to go on with out my son, everyday is so empty and lonely. I cant think, sleep  and some times its hard to breath. I know in my heart he can hear me, but  I would give any thing to hear him again. to feel him. I pray hes with my mom and happy. I keep telling him to come home now, oh god  I know he has healed his beautiful heart, now send him back to me. please god don't let nov 5 come please, I cant do this, 10 months with out him is way to long, im dieing in side, my tears could…

today is ten months since my son went away. so much pain, and tears. I miss him more then life and with I was with him. still empty and lonely and so very lost with out my shawn. I beg him every day to come to me, let me hear mom again, let me hear I love you again. I ask how much longer I have to live with out him, to look into those big beautiful brown  eyes and those melting dimples. to see his smile and hear his voice, I want so much to bring him home to me, or take my hand and take me…

everyday is the same, same pain, same tears, same emptiness, same heart break, how can I go on without you, how does everyone else go on knowing you went away. I ask you every night why you left me, but you never answer me. I sit and watch the butterflys  sitting on your beautiful butterfly bush. and I cry.  I ask you to tell me what you want me to do, again no answer,theres no such thing as a good day any more. everyday is to  filled with pain. filled with tears, sleepless nights, needing…

yesterday we had a lot of company, it was kinda nice, till one asked, hows shawn. I heart fell. I went into the house and cryed. I guess these days will come but I just cant deal with it. one of shawns friends next door got married last night,  it really was a hard night for me and cryed myself to sleep. god it hurts, I miss him so much, I just want to be with him, im so ready to go please.

I baked  mini peach pies the other day, today I baked dark fudge chocolate cup cakes with butter cream iceing. my husband ken said  wow nice  who are you baking all that for, with out even thinking I said, for shawn, he will love this. when I realized what I had said my heart dropped. shawn loves my baking,  dear god I miss my baby so much, I love him  more then life.  trying so hard to keep busy but its not working, every thing I do and did  is for shawn,  I felt shawn touch my arm today, I…

today my husband went to help a friend at 3 this morning, being all alone hurts. I cryed all morning, then I went to see my son, talking to him and crying my heart out I feel hes there hearing what im saying. I water his floers and wipe off his stone, like I do everyday. how can my heart keep breaking, I know theres nothing left. I see people that look like him and it takes everything I have not to run and hug them, instead I just cry. the phone never rings any more, friends never come over,…

I pray  my heart beat would stop. then I could take my sons hand and go with him, to hold him and never let him go. to see my mom again after 33 years, I would hold them so tight . I could smile and laugh once more, if I could just be happy again. I feel it will never happen. please shawn answer my questions, hear my crys.  I need you shawn, I want so bad for you to come to my dreams, I have not had a dream since you went away, soon it will be 10 months,  we have never been apart that long…

I forget what its like to feel anymore. I have no energy to do any thing out side the house. I keep asking to go with shawn, there nothing here, my life is over . I want so bad to hear the word  MOM  I need to hear it, how can I go on and never hear it again. I don't know in my heart if he hears me everyday, crying , telling him I love him, I need him, I cant go on with out him. please let me hear his voice again, I cant do this, the pain is so over whelming, unbearable, I want to hug him,…

today my older sister called and it was another big fight, now in a few days I have fought with both my sisters, they are telling me to stop crying get on with life. there upset that I have made no time to get to know there grandkids. I cant believe  its all about them, all I have ever wanted was for them to stop cutting me off when I talk about shawn. and everything blew up. I just cant  do this any more I cant. I have never been so tired, so hurt by my sisters. I just want so bad to go…

this morning my cousin came over for a visit. we sat on the veranda and talked for 2 hours about shawn. it was nice. I tried hard to hold back my tears , some slipped out. she understands my  unbearable pain, and knows why I just don't smile any more.  then I went to see my baby, I cryed so hard  telling him about my morning. how I miss and love him so very very much. I told him I need to feel him more, to please help me. I know hes here and I know he will help me through this.  I need him…

my eyes hurt so bad, if this is living I don't want it any more. I hurt all over and im so tired. my brother was here today, ask me if ill ever smile again, he misses it. I said no theres nothing to smile for. I can see the pain in his eyes when he looks at me, it takes everything I have not to cry. he took out beautiful flowers to shawn and my heart  just broke, I can see hes hiding the tears for me. its getting harder and harder to go on every day, I am trying but I just keep crying, I…

today I went for a small boat ride with my cousin her husband and mine. I thought it would be nice to get out but I was so wrong. I wanted to scream, and cry, all I could think about was my shawn, I knew he would have liked it.  I prayed he was with me. I tried to smile but it was to hard, I just wanted to go to bed and cry. my only dream is to be with my son, I miss him so much love him more then I can say.    love you forever shawn   mom

shawn its been so hard without you. there are times I know you are here, but I still feel so very alone. how do I go on? I cry so hard and long everyday. god how I miss you, I miss the things you use to do, I miss going out with you, and cooking you a dinner, sat and sun I miss picking you up from work. hearing your voice and I want so bad to hear I love you mom. I need to dream of you but I don't, im so afraid you wont come home but I tell myself you will, when god fixes your beautiful…

everyday it hurts so bad,  I keep asking why? and I get no answers. I miss you more then life and I have never felt so much pain in my heart. I cry so much I can hardly see, my eyes are so swollen, I wonder where they come from. I keep telling my self when your beautiful heart is better you will come back to me, without that wishing I have nothing to live for. I would sell my soul if I could have one more day with you, to hold you see you hear your voice again, to hear mom again and to say…

today july 28 at 4 in the morning  for the first time in almost 9 months, I heard my son,  as clear as if he were standing here he called me  MOM  I had been up since 1 a m I just could not sleep,  I went out front to sit on the veranda, it was raining hard and I just talked to shawn, begging him to talk to me in my dreams and crying hard.  my pills were not working but by 4 they started, I went back to bed and just started to drift when I heard him  say   MOM. I wanted so bad to  go with…

to my shawn,  a beautiful son.  shawn you are my world, you went away and my world  went with you,the light in my eyes went out, my dreams are gone, I need your help so bad, I don't dream any more, and I need to so bad to dream of you, to hear your voice, see your face your smile your laughter. ill never do any till im with you again. my heart is your heart forever. help me shawn I need you so much take my hand baby please, loving you forever mom  

everyday is more and more pain, life will never be the same. oh how I miss shawn, with all my heart. I need so bad to hear him call me, mom im here, mom I love you. mom ill never leave you. his beautiful brown eyes and that perfect smile. my life now is hell I know that now. around his memory garden there are butterflys, yellow ones. I can smell him in his clothes, I want so bad to feel him again, to laugh with him. this pain is like no  other. I miss you shawn, I need you and love you…

it seems like such a long time, but its like yesterday, what I would give to hear his voice, see that beautiful smile again. I sit here crying my heart out again, the feeling of being so alone covers all of me. I hope he hears everything I say to him all day everyday. I wish I knew for sure. every Saturday I would pick him up after work at 4 and go shopping, god how I miss doing that . the pain takes over my body like fire, I don't want to live like this, I want to hold him again.everyday I…

god how I dread tomorrow, everyday is awful but the fifth of every month it hurts more, my shawn was born on april 5 , left me on nov 5. I feel my pain growing more each day. my tears never stop flowing, I keep telling myself its just a bad dream, but its not. its like im falling deeper into the dark hole reaching out for my shawn to come get me. I know I will never heal, ill never know what a day without pain will ever feel like again, my swollen eyes will never go down. when I hear other…

today my shawn sent me a baby bunnie, I cryed again. when I went to see him this morning, I thanked him and sat on the grass crying my heart out. I cry so much everyday and night I just don't know where it comes from.i miss my shawn so very much, god how I want him to come home to me. I smell his clothes every day, to feel him with me.im so lost, empty and I feel so much in a black dark hole without him. the love of my life forever, my shawn.