Although it's been almost 10 months since you went away, iI still feel like you'll be coming home soon... 

It may not be healthy, but in my heart there's no room for your absence.  So,  I keep hoping that this last 10 months were nothing but a nightmare... 

I can't hear your voice...  I can't feel your arms around me,  and that's making go…

my beautiful son shawn, my heart aches so much each and every day for you. sometimes I wonder where all my tears come from, I cry so much my eyes hurt. there are times I just want to scream my head off, and times I just cant breathe. shawn I cant go on, I just cant move any more. I think about being with you each and everyday. that's what I want more then anything.  to kiss your face, hold you, and never let you go. how can everyone go on, my heart is so empty, broken, shattered.  my life is…

Oct 1 2014 -  Today was another long day where time catches up to you and you cant help but think of the ones that have passed. My husbands father is here from out of state and i cant help but go to that place where you wish it was you. To be with your father. But in April that dream of spending a week with my father slipped away right before my eyes .…

Rest In Peace my love

Everlasting in my memories

So dearly loved

Time will unite us

I will always love you

Never forgotten…

I am just over two months into my Grief journey so I thought I would share some thoughts on it with you.

Yes I still cry there are many tears-but what is a tear. A tear is a mini universe of the feelings and moments you shared with your loved one. Your tears are your way of expressing that love you felt for them. Every tear you shed is a blessing for them like putting the sign of the cross on your head with holy…

everyday the pain gets worse, to lose my only child my beautiful son shawn. my heart hurts so bad and to breathe even gets harder. tears fall so easy, shawn you are and will always be my life, my love. will I ever get passed this NO. can I go on without you  NO. you are the best thing that ever happened to me, without you its just not worth it any more. I know when I cry and talk to you , you can hear me. I know you can feel me. but for me not to feel you hear you see you its  killing me. I…

Ste 

As I left work today my mind played a cruel trick on me-I thought I saw you walking towards me -like when you used to meet me -you would bounce towards me baseball cap on head with with a grin from ear to ear. My heart lept and filled with joy and my voice cried out silently Ste- but then -the realisation it was a stranger blasted my mind like I'd been waterboarded and my heart fell and felt like I had left it on the pavement behind me as the truth of your death hit me again like…

Ste

This is how it feels without you -the constant pain and heartbreak that happens when I go to bed , when I wake up and at odd times when I have a moment of oblivion like a day dream and then the certain realisation of your death hits me like a knife piercing my heart and soul that you are forever gone.

Yet I still feel connected to you -how can you be gone-I still love you and miss you more than life itself. After two months It doesn't seem to get better I have learnt that I…

Why is it when someone you love dies that you replay years worth of memories in your head in a few hours remembering every word, every look, every emotion you felt and witnessed and yet you crave new memories that are no longer possible. You ring their phone just to hear their voicemail kick in and you crave to still speak to them -the phone rings and you think it may be them but it is not possible.…

Night time is my nightly nightmare, It's the time I miss you the most

I go outside and gaze with eyes wide open at the shaded sky and melancholy moon

I search out the sky studded stars one by one 

I silently speak to each star and ask, is that you shining?…

The tears fall freely on my face tonight

My grief has to be seen

A journey full of heartbreak, 

And it all seems like a dream.

 …

I miss your smile Ste, your chin that was dimpled as if kissed by an angel and the way you squinted one eye

Missing the love and the life we shared

Imagining what you would be saying at every point of the day,I miss our conversations

Separated from you I'm lost without you by my side I miss your wise words & guidance

Sad that we can't laugh at the silliest things together and share…

two years after my wife passed away

Its sat,thinking of making my vodka orange juice stronger. My emotional outlets have been through massages.So I have put off starting off on a life of my own.Of course a good massage therapist will fill in that void for a whole hour to an hour and a half and then it back to square one .I  have come to a point and its hard I realize I have to though it out and its hard. Things come to mind and I coming back here from a long absence  Did I…

to my darling son shawn, everyday seems to get harder and harder to go on with out you. I cant remember what its like to sleep a full night, to not cry every day. to pray to go with you. how do I go on? how do I watch others smiling, laughing, shawn I need you so bad,i wear your things to bed I smell them all night long, ill never ever wash them, I need to know you have not left me alone. my heart feels like its slowly stopping, dear god I miss my baby, those beautiful big brown eyes that…