my wonderful son,  I cry so hard everyday and night, missing you with all my broken heart. I can barely see my eyes are so swollen, its so hard to see another holiday coming, and to feel so alone and empty with out you here. I hope each day you can hear me, but I hope you can not feel my pain. I wish my tears could build a stairway to you, I would have been there by now. you will always be the love of my life, without you im not whole, my wish this x mas would be to hear you say  MOM, to…

today  I could smell shawn in my living room right by my computer, I know hes here it was so strong. shawn loves his computer , its his way of telling me hes here he wont leave me, I miss him so much, I pray each night to go with him, to hold him tight again. my babys here hes here.  my beautiful son, the love of my life, he will never leave me.    

today my doctor came to see me. she brough all the papers and explained why my shawn went away.  I cryed so much she had to stop and she held me. she said if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would still be here. but he just sent him home. I know its wrong but I wish with all I have if that dr has kids I hope they die, I want him so much to feel my pain, my emptiness forever. I  said to her, my shawns not coming home is he? when she looked into my eyes and told me no, I lost it so bad I…

shawn as I placed a white rose with you, my tears were falling on your stone I felt nothing but darkness, emptiness. I hurt like ive never hurt before. oh god I miss you so bad, how can I go on shawn how? you are my life and nothing else matters, you are my only great love my beautiful son. I have never been so tired, so afraid. all I want is to be with you, to hold you and never let you go.  im waiting for you baby, please come to me please. I need you.  love you always and so deeply ,…

today its snowing, I know you hated the cold winters, when I went to see you today and saw your flowers covered in snow it broke my heart. I hope you are wrapped in moms arms  warm and safe. I ask everyday and night for you to come to my dreams and tell me you are happy, its been a year and 3 days and I have not had 1 dream, I miss you more each and everyday, I cry so much my eyes hurt everyday. I feel like im falling deeper and deeper, im begging you to grab my hand and take me with you,…

shawn, on wed it will be a year,  im so filled with sadness, lonelyness  emptiness and so very heart broken. I remember it all like it was yesterday. each day is harder and harder to try to go on. I still pray each night to go with you. I know I don't want to go on with out you. I cry everyday and night, sadness floods over me and I cant hold on. with out you there is no sun, no light, just darkness all the time. I promise ill be with you soon, to hold you forever and never let you go. to…

well again my sister slapped me in the face, she called to tell me her daughter bought her a grandfather clock on sat for x mas,  I just told her I was not feeling well and had to go.  I cryed my heart out, all I want is my son, his voice, why don't people think before they open there dam mouths, I told her so many times the holidays mean nothing any more but pain. she keeps saying its time to move on. omg ill never move on, I cant. she sees my heart breaking she sees my pain every day, yet…

how can a mom go on with out her only child? how can my heart still beat, when its so broken?  how can my sisters go on like nothings happened? how do they not see im dieing inside? so many answers ill never get. I only want one thing just one thing one wish, to be with shawn, to hold him in my arms, kiss him and never ever let him go. today in months I saw a bunny again, I know he sent it to me, I know in my heart hes never left me, but I need so bad to dream of him, I need to know hes…

I miss you more everyday, I want so bad to touch your face to kiss you.  im so lonely without you. I cant remember what its like not to cry any more.  a few days ago a bunch of purple daisys sprung up on the front lawn, I know you sent them to me, there beautiful. there are times it hurts to breathe, and everyday day my heart hurts. im begging you with everything I have left to take my hand and take me with you. I cant do this without you, my love my son. my reason for living. please shawn I…

oh shawn I miss you so bad, my heart is so broken, I feel I just cant do this any more, it hurts so much. today I had to write out a  beautiful piece to put in the paper, oh god how I cryed. it took everything I had to hold it together when I handed it to her to put in the paper. its just not real, I feel you will come home to me, I just keep waiting. please baby let me hear  MOM again, let me hear  I LOVE YOU  again please. im waiting for you and always will. we will be together soon I…

my doctor told us, if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would have had a chance, instead of sending him home. oh god I want that dr to die, he killed my son, I cryed  so hard it was hard to breathe. how could a dr be so stupid, heartless an  ass hole. he took away the one chance my baby had,  I pray he loses everything in his life he loves, I want him to feel my pain, my broken heart.  I hate him  so much,  please shawn forgive me, I never thought I could hate like I am now.  I need you…

today my doctor is coming to talk to me, I have not seen her in almost a year. shes coming to talk about shawn and why. I went to see shawn earlier this morning and asked him and mom to be by my side, I just cant do this with out him. dear god help me through this morning.  please shawn I need you with me, I beg you to be here. im  afraid to hear it.  I cant stop crying and my broken heart is pounding so hard. my legs feel like rubber. don't leave me shawn, please be by my side please.  love…

how do I get through my first thanks giving with out you, I miss you so much. if my tears could bring you home, you would be here by now. I don't sleep, I cant think any more, my only thoughts are of you. I loved and lived for you, now I just want to go with you. help me please get through another terrible holiday. love forever my baby    mom

today I sat by my son crying so hard, this weekend is my first thanks giving with out him, we don't celebrate any of them any more. there just another dam day. but at the same time its so hard and it hurts so bad. as I type this my tears are falling, oh god I need my shawn, I miss his smile, voice, his smell. I want so much to hear him call me  MOM, im so empty in side. how do I get through this weekend, and soon after nov 5 it will be a year, omg I cant do this, I cant go on with out him, I…

my beautiful son shawn, my heart aches so much each and every day for you. sometimes I wonder where all my tears come from, I cry so much my eyes hurt. there are times I just want to scream my head off, and times I just cant breathe. shawn I cant go on, I just cant move any more. I think about being with you each and everyday. that's what I want more then anything.  to kiss your face, hold you, and never let you go. how can everyone go on, my heart is so empty, broken, shattered.  my life is…

everyday the pain gets worse, to lose my only child my beautiful son shawn. my heart hurts so bad and to breathe even gets harder. tears fall so easy, shawn you are and will always be my life, my love. will I ever get passed this NO. can I go on without you  NO. you are the best thing that ever happened to me, without you its just not worth it any more. I know when I cry and talk to you , you can hear me. I know you can feel me. but for me not to feel you hear you see you its  killing me. I…

to my darling son shawn, everyday seems to get harder and harder to go on with out you. I cant remember what its like to sleep a full night, to not cry every day. to pray to go with you. how do I go on? how do I watch others smiling, laughing, shawn I need you so bad,i wear your things to bed I smell them all night long, ill never ever wash them, I need to know you have not left me alone. my heart feels like its slowly stopping, dear god I miss my baby, those beautiful big brown eyes that…

everyday I watch people, going on with there lives, my family and friends to.but I just cant with out you.  I don't understand how my sisters can do this.  my heart is so broken and they know it. once a week if im lucky they will call  and say hows everything going then they say ok bye. its like a 2 min call. I have begged them to talk about you, begged them to hear me out. but they just don't have time for me. and that hurts but nothing hurts as much as loseing you. I feel so broken so…

my beautiful son how I miss you with all my heart. my tears never stop. I want so bad to hear you, to hold you. why wont he take me to you, I pray every night to go with you. my pain is so deep , with out you  theres nothing left. it hurts to breathe, i wait  every day for you to come home, to phone me to call me  MOM . oh shawn please please help me. I cant go on with out you I just cant, I don't want to.  night god bless my son,  you are always the love of my life , we will be together…

as I read every ones letters, I sit here and cry, my heart is so broken with out my son ( shawn ) and I can feel your broken hearts to. we ask why? and never get answer, we ask to go to, and again no answer. how do we go on with them, that will never happen.  to be in this unbearable pain and have our friends leave us forever, our family hurt us even more. no one can see or under stand  or hear our crys. its been 10 months for me and it feels like yesterday. I want so bad to be with shawn…