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everyone said to go see my sister when she got home, so I thought I would give in and go.  shes in a lot of pain and I felt so bad for her, it was a very big surgery,  and to my surprise the beautiful picture of my son shawn that I gave her was no where to be found. I felt hurt, mad and I have had enough. so I asked her where is shawns picture. she said oh its around here some where. I held back my tears  and the anger I was feeling.  how could my sister do this to me, she has pictures all…

today I got a call from my older sister, shes in the hospital. she told me she had cancer surgery yesterday. we use to be so very close, always together. I felt nothing, I could not even cry for her. when my son went away she was here for a month or so, now nothing, when she does call its always the same thing, she says , kim you need help, you need to move on, to need to get out. over and over. I ask her to please talk about shawn to me, but she wont. I feel shes adding to my pain, everyday…

I used to be afraid to die. It would haunt me just the thought of it would send chills rushing down my spine. Now, I am no longer afraid of death. Wednesday, July 9th, 2014 at 12:08pm my life was forever changed. My father passed away on this day, he fought for a long time. He had been sick since 2000 with multiple problems but he kept fighting even when it was hard. At times, I will be honest I didn't know how he kept pushing through, how he remained strong, it was inspiring to see how…

I don't even know where to start. You were my love, my wife, my life for 37 years. When I called the hospital and they said they were moving you to ICU, most people would have rushed there then, but you had been in ICU so many times in the past few years it had become routine...so I stayed at work. Then they called me 4 hours later and said I should come. Baby...you were gone by the time I got there and I'm so sorry. The last thing you ever said to me the night before was thinking about me.…

today when I went to see my son shawn I broke down hard like I do everyday but today is was worse, since  the new year nothing has gone right, so I know it will be a shitty year. but I know since you went away im just not strong enough to handle any thing any more.i just cry at a drop of a hat, I feel empty more and more everyday. my life means nothing, I beg to be with you, I pray to get sick, I pray for you to grab my hand and take me with you. your dad says im full of hate and I know its…

I is so hard to live, however, to afraid to die. I am just here with my only son T.J.

My Son

 March 10, 2007 was the most devastating day in my life.  My son was tragically killed in a snowmobile accident, leaving behind a 3 year old son, a pregnant wife of 8 months, and his only sibling, Amanda, as well as me, his Mamma.

Our world has spiralled out of control trying to regain some semblance of life after such a shocking loss.  Christopher was 31 years old when he died of massive impact to his heart when a snowmobile handle-bar…

So much has happened since 1/1/11 when my husband died. It is hard to believe that time does keep marching on. My son and my daughter graduated from college. My son got married. Three Christmases have passed. I continue to put one foot in front of the other. There is still a sadness in me that will not go away. I have happy moments but the joy that I used to have just isn't there yet. I do pray that God will restore that to me. I continue to take one day at a time which is the biggest lesson…

today is the first, its just another day filled with pain and darkness. my heart hurts so bad, its just like yesterday I remember every min of that day. its so cold and windy today I hope my shawn is warm. I hope he hears me everyday. I want so much to hold him,  why is this happening to us? why . I keep asking, all I want this year is to be with my son, I pray  to go.  to go on  each day is to hard, I use to be a strong person but not any more, every min of the day all I think about is…

each day I ask how do I go on without you,  why does my heart still beat, when its so dark and broken. and I get no answers, I know I never will. I ask you everyday what it is you want me to do,  if you want me to go on living, I cant, if you want me to be happy again, I cant, to smile, laugh again I cant.  I want to dream of you , hold you and see those big brown eyes again, I want to hear mom I love you, I miss you and I need you again. I want so much to run to you, please shawn help me, I…

Christmas Wish

Holidays are here! Time for wishes and…

Celebrate the Season

We had plans to see the…

thank you  for thinking of me, my doctor and I talked for a very long time about shawn and oh how I cryed. she said what im feeling is ok and my family should be here for me , but there not. we talked about this support group here and I told her  you are all more then friends you are my new family, how you all care and understand, how you are here for each other when we are hurting so bad. we talked about the holidays coming and how im hurting so much, my wish to know my son is with my mom…

today my doctor is coming for a visit, its going to be hard talking about the holidays. I just hate them so much anymore. a friend dropped a card off with tiny butterflys, flowers and angels inside and asked me to sprinkle them where shawn is resting, I cryed so hard, its a beautiful thing to do. its getting harder to sleep and I feel so tired. I just want so much for these holidays to be over. its just to painfull with out my baby. I want so much to sleep and never wake up, to hold my son…

im in so much pain during these dam holidays, I would give my life up to hold you now, without you here life is not worth living. I beg you to come to my dreams to tell me you are happy, with mom , I want so much to hold your face to kiss you and never let you go. please don't let me go through x mas alone, my tears flow each and everyday, please hear my prayers, im begging you.  take me with you, take my hand, my heart is filled with darkness, you are the love of my life forever, mom

what I would give to hold you and kiss you, this time of year I hurt  even more, I remember how you love x mas but with out you I just cant do it any more. so many tears I have cryed, and praying you will come get me, my beautiful son how can I go on with this unbearable pain, how does my family smile and be so happy knowing im dieing inside, please shawn help me get through this holiday, help me to dream of you, with out you  theres nothing left, I wish my heart would stop beating, I wish I…

Ticket 10-60-54

Highway, miles and distance

Ticket to a Journey

where end is near

a dream short lived

in your arms is feared.

"Riding the crazy train"

that what he said

you get a free pass

get on…