Mornings not getting easier.

Remembering the night my wife died,  she felt no pain but has imposed this horrendous agony on my son and I.  Anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger, bewilderment, loss of hope, future only looks empty.  I know I felt Ok last night for a while, but seems impossible now.

Feeling normal lasted about 3 hours, back down now.  

I sometimes feel as though my life was written for a Soap Opera. And on more than one occasions I feel like I get through life by pretending to be normal. I have had two very life altering losses in my life, and several other loses, that were expected, but still no matter how expected they are they still hurt. I an just wondering if you ever feel normal again? If there is ever a time that you can make it through an hour without wanting to break down in tears. Maybe I am just to early in the…

Feeling Ok at the present time.  

I spent about 5 hours working outside in my yard today.  I had been putting it off, simple tasks seem very difficult now.  However once I got started it was Ok, I spent a lot of time spinning "What If" scenarios in my head, but at some point, I was able to rationalize the pointlessness of me doing it.

The work I did was hard, I think that helped, most physical thing I have done since my wife passed.  As well as a sense of…

I woke up with anxiety this morning.  It has to be the worst raw emotion when couple with grief, guilt, and loneliness.

It's been a little over five weeks, yet people talk about feeling less emotionally crippled in months and years.  That scares me thinking I am so early on in this process.  The night of my wife's passing is still raw and fresh in my head like it happened yesterday, but the pain I have felt since seems like it has been going on for an eternity. 

Morning again, I long for when I would wake and look forward to the day ahead, to just getting up and having a good cup of coffee.  Now when I open my eyes, usually before my alarm goes off, it's like waking into a nightmare.

I close my eyes and try to sleep more, usually that doesn't work.  I try to meditate, by focusing on my breathing, that just brings back horrible memories.  Then I submit to being conscious again, and try to stay calm, all the while the deep sadness and…

I slept more last night than I have since my wife passed, over 8 hours altogether.  But, I cheated, I took two Tylenol pm's before bed. 

I woke up and had a few waves of anxiety roll over me, they seem to be subsiding now.  Fear of the future hitting me, fear of never feeling close to someone again, fear of becoming some reclusive old man. Thinking of my sisters father in law, who lost his wife ten years ago when he was 56 years old (just a few years older than me).  He has…

Today I went for a drive to the Golf Course,  where my dear son worked (at the Pro Shop).  I took the dog for a walk, as everything is still closed there.  My thoughts always go back to how happy he was there and how I was always happy to visit there for a pop or a snack (at the restaurant there), and to watch him play golf and instruct other younger golfers.  He was happy when I showed up and  he wanted his mom to have the club house sandwich and fries, and sit and enjoy the view.

He…

I had a rough day, my mind went to some pretty dark places. I just got off the phone with my sister,she has been my savior.  

Tonight was no exception, she pointed out something from that night that may enable me to escape from a guilt loop that has been plaguing me.  

I still haven't figured out the whole evening thing, where I usually feel at least less bad in the evening.  But, it is a definite observable phenomena in myself.

My mind is calm…

If I could turn back the time,

hold you in the arms of mine,

took you away from waiting death

until my last loving breath.



If I could turn back the time,

hold you in my arms till I die,

we could stay as one together

in that snowing frosty weather.



If I could turn back the time,

November is the time of prime,

we would be the warmest kissing,

only you I have been missing.



If I could…

The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two. One side was filled with the memories that other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep, and I take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain, you see life has gone on without you, but it will never be the same.

There's…

Ugh........I am awake.

What I miss the most.

The companionship, the feeling of someone I love is always with me no matter where in the world I may be.

My sons mother, my son is a special needs young man, no one will ever love him as his mother did again.

The comfort, when I was ill or hurting.

The loss of hope of ever returning our relationship to what it was before alcohol and prescription meds got a hold of her.

I slept for 7 hours last…

Missing her so much.  

What is the evolutionary purpose of grieving?  How does it further the dominance of humanity?  What other species experience this? Seems like a cruel joke. 

I changed my profile photo again today.  The totally black image really was too dark, although I have been to some pretty dark places the last two days, it needed changed.  You can see it is now just a blank expression, black and white emoticon.  More symbolic of my evening moods, mornings still need to figure out.

Still miss my wife in the evenings, but my head doesn't spin with a high levels of anxiety.

I have an engineering degree and appreciate sound…

Winter was harsh but, springs now comes to my part of the world.  And so more reminders of my wife.  

The bluebirds are nesting in one of our nest boxes, they have for years.  And I would sneak a few peeks into the nest boxes to journal the eggs and young, and share with Cheryl.

I live in the country and the evening come alive now with "peepers", countless small frogs singing for mates.  We would listen to that and truly feel the rebirth of…

Evenings are generally easier for me,  tonight, oddly, no exception.  I wonder if I really do just emotionally exhaust myself by this time and become numb.  

My thoughts of my wife seem to be restrained, my mind can go other places right now.  I need to learn feel this way more of the day.

I was quite a mess until I spoke with the therapist today.  It was just a conversation, I did most of the talking, yet that was the turning point of the day.  After that much…

This has been by far the hardest month. There are days when I think how am I going to get through this and then I have the better days where I only cry in the shower or I cry myself to sleep. I was so terrified of April 12 coming up because it would be one month since Nick has been gone. I kept as busy as possible but it was still at my mind all day. At one point I even thought I saw…

All the "what if's" that play in my head, all focus on some small event that could have changed the tragic outcome of one month ago.  It's hard not to consider fate to be real. 

I have a health issue that has developed over the last two months.  Back problems causing increasing numbness and discomfort in both legs.  My wife was a nurse and always seemed to be fulfilled by helping me or my son.  This mornings "what if" is, I wonder, if my issues had been this significant one…