how can I go on, how can I live without you? my beautiful son, the love of my life. I need you so much, I don't want to live with this unbearable pain any more, I cant go on without you in my life.  I pray every night you will come to me, and you don't. I pray to die and im still here. no one hears me , no one sees my pain. my empty heart.i keep asking you to come home, come back to me please shawn. without you I have nothing, I feel nothing. god please take me to my son, my baby. please…

every day it hurts more to breathe, my back is so bad, but the pain in my heart is worse. I could not go see shawn yesterday and felt so bad, I cryed so much. cant sleep any more, im lucky to get a hour. I feel empty, tired and lost. my prayers are not answered  to be with my son. I keep telling my self he will come home, back to me. if I think any different  ill go crazy. why is my baby not coming to my dreams,? why does he not take me to? god I need shawn, without him I have nothing, to…

every day it seems to get harder to go on. shawn would have hated this cold and snowy winter.every night I still ask why, why my son? why not me? and why is he leaving me here to suffer so much. life is not worth going on, and I really don't want to any more.  I want so much to hold my son, kiss his face . I have never bee so tired, never felt pain and emptiness like this before.  at night I can smell him, but still no dreams, no answers. I just want to die, im not afraid, im ready. shawn…

the snow is over my knees here , but nothing will stop me from seeing my son each and everyday, I clean the stone off, and cry whats left  of my heart out. I want so much to scream, why are you not coming to my dreams, why? I break down so much, I cant remember being happy any more, just emptiness, I feel nothing but pain. why wont he answer me, to take me to him,  im so tired I want to go, I want to hold my baby, to laugh to smile with my shawn. how much longer will he make me suffer?  why…

today my sister came by to drop off some cake, to celebrate shes cancer free, I could not say anything because I just stopped careing. I wish it was me, I wish I was dieing, that would make me happy, knowing I would see my shawn again. I could hold him so tight. I would hear  MOM again, the most beautiful word in the world , its so hard to breath, to sleep to go on. my tears still fall all the time, to feel so alone and to feel no one cares anymore.its just not worth going through life…

my heart is so very heavy, so filled with pain. I miss shawn so much it hurts bad. my tears still fall so much, everyday. to go on is so imposible, im so filled with hate, to see people go on, so happy, laughing. there are times I just want to slap them, slap that smile off there face. scream for my son to come home, not to leave me. to pray for shawn to come get me, I want nothing more than to go with him. I hate living, I just hate. I beg  shawn please help me, im getting no answer.my only…

everyday it seems to hurt more to breathe, I miss shawn so very much, I still wait for him to come home, when the phone rings I pray its him. I know my baby will never leave me, but we have never been apart this long. my heart hurts so bad. I ask why he took my only child, why not me. I wait for signs, I know I have had some but I want so much more.  I hear people and family saying MOM, and I cry so hard wishing I could hear it to. I just want to be with him, hold him, hear him say I love…

everyone said to go see my sister when she got home, so I thought I would give in and go.  shes in a lot of pain and I felt so bad for her, it was a very big surgery,  and to my surprise the beautiful picture of my son shawn that I gave her was no where to be found. I felt hurt, mad and I have had enough. so I asked her where is shawns picture. she said oh its around here some where. I held back my tears  and the anger I was feeling.  how could my sister do this to me, she has pictures all…

today I got a call from my older sister, shes in the hospital. she told me she had cancer surgery yesterday. we use to be so very close, always together. I felt nothing, I could not even cry for her. when my son went away she was here for a month or so, now nothing, when she does call its always the same thing, she says , kim you need help, you need to move on, to need to get out. over and over. I ask her to please talk about shawn to me, but she wont. I feel shes adding to my pain, everyday…

today when I went to see my son shawn I broke down hard like I do everyday but today is was worse, since  the new year nothing has gone right, so I know it will be a shitty year. but I know since you went away im just not strong enough to handle any thing any more.i just cry at a drop of a hat, I feel empty more and more everyday. my life means nothing, I beg to be with you, I pray to get sick, I pray for you to grab my hand and take me with you. your dad says im full of hate and I know its…

today is the first, its just another day filled with pain and darkness. my heart hurts so bad, its just like yesterday I remember every min of that day. its so cold and windy today I hope my shawn is warm. I hope he hears me everyday. I want so much to hold him,  why is this happening to us? why . I keep asking, all I want this year is to be with my son, I pray  to go.  to go on  each day is to hard, I use to be a strong person but not any more, every min of the day all I think about is…

each day I ask how do I go on without you,  why does my heart still beat, when its so dark and broken. and I get no answers, I know I never will. I ask you everyday what it is you want me to do,  if you want me to go on living, I cant, if you want me to be happy again, I cant, to smile, laugh again I cant.  I want to dream of you , hold you and see those big brown eyes again, I want to hear mom I love you, I miss you and I need you again. I want so much to run to you, please shawn help me, I…

thank you  for thinking of me, my doctor and I talked for a very long time about shawn and oh how I cryed. she said what im feeling is ok and my family should be here for me , but there not. we talked about this support group here and I told her  you are all more then friends you are my new family, how you all care and understand, how you are here for each other when we are hurting so bad. we talked about the holidays coming and how im hurting so much, my wish to know my son is with my mom…

today my doctor is coming for a visit, its going to be hard talking about the holidays. I just hate them so much anymore. a friend dropped a card off with tiny butterflys, flowers and angels inside and asked me to sprinkle them where shawn is resting, I cryed so hard, its a beautiful thing to do. its getting harder to sleep and I feel so tired. I just want so much for these holidays to be over. its just to painfull with out my baby. I want so much to sleep and never wake up, to hold my son…

im in so much pain during these dam holidays, I would give my life up to hold you now, without you here life is not worth living. I beg you to come to my dreams to tell me you are happy, with mom , I want so much to hold your face to kiss you and never let you go. please don't let me go through x mas alone, my tears flow each and everyday, please hear my prayers, im begging you.  take me with you, take my hand, my heart is filled with darkness, you are the love of my life forever, mom

what I would give to hold you and kiss you, this time of year I hurt  even more, I remember how you love x mas but with out you I just cant do it any more. so many tears I have cryed, and praying you will come get me, my beautiful son how can I go on with this unbearable pain, how does my family smile and be so happy knowing im dieing inside, please shawn help me get through this holiday, help me to dream of you, with out you  theres nothing left, I wish my heart would stop beating, I wish I…

with everything and everyone getting ready for Christmas, my pain is worse, my heart so broken. I only want to hold you, to touch your face, to feel your love. I gave everything that's Christmas away, without you there will never be a holiday, its just another day filled with heart break. I sleep in your pjs and I can smell you with me. but I cant feel you, I need so bad to feel you. if you told me you need me I would come right away. please come to my dreams, please come to me. night god…

oh god I hate this time of year, people putting light on there homes, I cryed so hard, everyones so happy and shopping and putting up lights . and I just hurt so bad. my life is over without shawn, I see my family, friends  all getting ready. me I cry , I hurt, im so dead inside.  I just pray each night to go with my son. dear god that's all I want. take my unbearable pain away, take my tears and my broken heart. take me to my baby.  

everyday my heart hurts, to breathe hurts. but the tears still fall each and every day. I feel so empty and so alone. I would give anything to hear  MOM, to hear shawns voice, to see that beautiful smile once more. I tell myself every day he will come home back to me. I feel without this ill lose it, ill break. im in such a deep dark place and there will never ever be light again. this is just a dark dream, and I cant wake up. I hope to hold him soon, I pray to. my shawn my love of my life…

soon the holidays will be here , my heart hurts so much. to go through Christmas without you kills me. its now just another day. I ask every night what you want me to do, and no answer, to hear  MOM from you would be such a gift and I hope I hear it one more time. all day I think of holding you, trying to remember how it feels. my chest hurts to breathe, my tears burn, ill wait for you to come to me, and pray to you each night that its soon,  my love my life my son, forever mom