my heart hurts so bad, tears tears tears, every day. I miss my son so much, what gave him the right to go without me? why did he leave me here alone? and how long must I stay here without him.  oh god how it hurts, I need to be with shawn, I need to hold my baby.  I don't want to live any morei want my shawn,

OMG....I just can't sleep, because it came on so strong...the realization that I'll never feel him touching me again!  It's been 34 days since he was called home.  Never again will I be able to lie beside him with my head on his shoulder.  Never again will he hold me when I cry.  Never again, will his hands hold to mine.  His lips will never touch mine again.  And he will never be able to make love to me again.  A simple kiss, a soft caress, his whisper of I love you late in the night when…

Ok its been nearly 9 weeks now since Andy died , and ive been desperate to dream of him like I did 4 days after he died , in that dream we were just sitting on swings swinging for what seemed like hours but we didn't speak once and when I woke up I felt strange and unsettled, such a weird feeling, weird enough for me to think it was real and not a dream at all , anyway since then nothing , before andy died I dreamt every night I even dreamt he died 2 days before he had his cardic arrest and…

(These are my thoughts that entered my mind this morning. September 15, 2015)

I am in the winter of my life.

Cold harsh winds blow through me,

Sadness and gloom,

Weigh me down to the ground,

My branches  are weak.

I stand bare and alone-

Where is that playful child?

That playful, happy child inside of me.

Long gone and forgotten.

Your sudden death;

On that bleak November morning,

Has left me full of…

Sunday (yesterday) Gary's ashes were buried. A couple days prior I went for broke and gave one last attempt to get some of them. I actually got some. I still can't believe I got it to work out. I've felt like so much was against me. I've been in limbo, stressed, wondering, feeling like I have to be so strategic and careful in how I go about it for 6 months dealing with the concept of his ashes.

I will not elaborate here on details after his passing other than I did not feel…

The sadness just keeps getting worse. My son, Jamey, was an organ donor. I know that 3 men in their 50s received his gifts. To be absolutely honest, I was not happy to find out that they were in their 50s because I thought he would have wanted to give a younger person a chance for longer life. But, 2 of the men who were recipeints wrote me letters. I am in my fifties and hope like we all do that we are going to be around until we are in our 100s. After the letters, I'm pretty sure Jamey…

It's me not coping again .Not sleeping at night but boy can I sleep in the day ,whats up with that? Mom I miss you .I think I hear you from time to time ,like just now I could swear you just snized. I like to think that you are coming back to me .That some how this yes this has all been some kind of nightmare I have been stuck in .

Matt took me to that little farm today ,the one we all went to last year.I did the same as we did then and went around and hand picked a vase of flowers…

So today its been 7 weeks since my wonderful andrew died , is it getting easier, definitely not its getting harder day by day .Anyway one of my friends left work on friday to start a new job, even though im still off work she asked me along for drinks with all the other friends we work with , To be honest I didn't really want to go , but one of my freinds thought it might do me some good so after much debating I said I would go , what a mistake I made it was awful as we sat in the pub I felt…

What I have laying so heavy on me today is this...why won't churches do more to help their community. I am angry and I will be angry for an unknown amount of time. I can't keep it to myself or I feel like I'm going to explode. But, I have asked several "friends" of mine to ask their churches to help me raise the money for Jameys headstone. They can raise money for a trip to Disneyworld or for the pastor a new car or a vacation trip for the congregation because it's exhausting being a…

I'm wondering why bother with calling out the name of an all seeing, all doing creature that would steal the life of a child and then tell us it was Mr. High and Mightys plan to begin with!  I'm so pissed off right now! We throw people in the deepest darkest hole we can find if they have killed anyone. But this great big wonderful loving monster is thanked every day for his miracles. Even when he's the one that did the killing. How does that make sense? If "he" has a plan for everyone, the…

I prayed so hard that  Friday would not come, my b day without you is so very hard, alice my counceller said you are here and I know you will be. I know what you will be saying to me to make me laugh, but my tears still fall, my heart still broken, we don't celebrate anything any more without you, its just so hard to not hear you say  you love me, to say mom, I know in my heart you are here helping me, please help me get through tomorrow, and help  me to feel you here.  always and forever…

most of the time it hurts to breathe, to go on without my son. where do all my tears come from, I cry so much, I hurt so bad. I beg and beg you to take me to my son, but im left here to suffer so bad so much. I know in my heart ill be with  you soon, im so lonely without my shawn.  so very very broken,

So  its been 6 weeks and 1 day since my world fell apart , my partner of 20 years just died , I sat and held his hand as he slipped away from me , he was 42 years old , as I'm sitting here writing this im looking at our 9 year old daughter whos face reminds me so much of her dad , I have to smile for her I have to be strong , but I know once shes a sleep I will allow my tears to fall , like they have every night since , well not really for the first week as I realise I went into shock and…

my counsellers told me to write letters to the people that hurt me and my son, today one called, she was not here for me when shawn went away, she was like a sister to me an aunt to my son. im s haking so bad im so mad. to say she never knew, I know was a lie. to hear her voice I wanted to slap her face. I told her in the letter not to call me, I just had to let things out in my letter. I can hear shawn saying mom stay away from her, don't let her hurt you again. I have not been this mad in…

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this.