This amazing guy happens to me, a man who taught me to trust again.  Who made me feel beautiful, special and worth loving and then he died!

I'm so angry. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have,  or don’t have; he's not here.

People remind me to eat, sleep, and to take care of myself, but nothing…

today after seeing my son, I went to the store with my husband to pick up a few things, I never go any more but I thought I would this time. it was the first time someone said merry Christmas to me. I felt my eyes tear up, my heart felt like it stopped. I could not even look  her in the face and I ran out of the store. im not going out again till this crap is over.  how can people say that when she looked  at my face seen my swollen eyes, I never smile, just pain .  please let these holidays…

Today has been one of those days when all I have thought about is death and is it really the end, and as much has I've been trying to convince and talk myself in to believing there an afterlife I'd put money on the fact that there isn't, and that it's just some garbage to make us all feel better about losing a person we love , I have came to this conclusion purely because I know my Andrew and I know for sure that  if he could in anyway see how much pain me and his children are in he would…

im so sick and tired of this x mas shit all ready. it hurts so much to see  it all and everyone talking about it . I just want it to be over. I stay in my room all the time so I don't have to see the lights, I don't go out so I don't have to see  people so dam happy.  my eyes fill up so fast, my tears still fall all the time.  its not a happy time any more just so pain full, I wish it was over, I wish I was with shawn,  I beg my son to please  take me home, take me out of this hell I live…

I stumbled upon this over the internet and found it somewhat

comforting.  Since I believe I will see nancy again in the next

life, it was even better.  

All over Christmas lights are twinkling

Outward signs of cheer, family and love

Their lives full of happiness beaming,

and mine, mourning you this holiday.…

It's been 5 months now since my world fell apart, but for the last few weeks I thought I had started to turn a small corner, I stopped taking my sleeping tablets and diazapam and looked in the mirror and told myself it's time to get stronger, for my children's sake at least, and everyones been telling me how well and brave I have been, I've even been smiling and chatting to the customers at work, not like I used to, but I really have been trying , but today well... I don't know whats…

Today for my Sunday afternoon outing I went to a graveyard. It must of the been the common thought as many were there, putting Christmas wreaths on their loved ones resting place and other momentos of love.

I drove past two of the grave sites of young people who passed in our small community, a young woman, K,  born 1985 and a young man, B, of 1986. (They died within a year of each other). Both have beautiful markers, with care and love carved on them. The young man even has a mail…

Please, please, please!! Why won't  any one help me?? The 20th of this month  is the one year anniversary  of my Jamey being taken  from us, and he still doesn't  have  a  headstone. I have done everything  I  can  but I  admit that I  can't  do it alone. The one I have picked for him and made the non-refundable  down payment is beautiful. It has a picture of him in cameo with a waterfall on black granite. Yes, it's expensive, but why would I give him some cheap thing that just says there's …

god please help me through another dam holiday.  lights every where and I just cry, people shopping and I just cry. x mas shows on t v and again I just cry. how do I get through another x mas with out my son,  to fee so alone so broken and empty.  everyone says im so full of hate, I know I am but theres nothing I can do , its how I feel. everyone says to go out, im getting fed up with hearing it.  my tears fall so easy, so fast.  my heart is dead and will be forever.  if they would just try…

I feel you here.

Are you really gone?

It's raining, kind of ironic, we buried you today.

Something pulls me, it's a tugging on my heart.

It is helpful to be able to talk about the feelings that live within me everyday without feeling like I'm the only one who is experiencing this pain.  

I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness, heartache and all consuming numbness.

Every day, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.  The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting…

My 32 year old son died in his sleep 11 years ago.  It does not get easier.  I did not get to say "GOODBYE and I Love You"

Oh so many months have gone by. I find myself still trying to find blame in the staff at the hospital on the little care giving to my mom. I still get mad that the one nurse had to pick an argument with myself and husband at my moms bedside. I know that would have upset mom .

God I have some days when all these bad thoughts whirl around in my head and then I just end up blaming myself. I miss my mom so much,it makes it hard to live in a world that mom is not in.I feel like I…

I have been doing some biofeedback. The software program the University has is very nice. Friday I was listening to a meditation type portion to release physical tension. The recording said, "Everything is absolutely okay right now." I felt a chord get struck immediately and probably within 30 seconds I had tears falling down my checks. No. NO, everything is NOT absolutely okay. This wasn't a shocking revelation to me as I've been saying that all this time but I don't know that I've really…

Its been a really long/short 1 year and 11 months...Its coming to the 2 year death date of my boyfriend, and I read on here one day someone asking if the second year was harder than the first, and in my personal opinion I feel the second year is very hard. The first year I spent blocking it out, and yes it was hard as the one year mark hit and i would picture everything i was doing in the previous year with my boyfriend, but this is the second year and as our son is growing, he looks more…

I read yesterday that country singer Joey of "Joey and Rory," is going on hospice. She is dying of cancer that she has fought for over a year. I read her story. She has a sweet little girl, I believe 18 months old with downs syndrome. I thought of Joey all night. I thought of her today. I thought of how God said no again to someone deserving of healing. God did not give them a miracle. Joeys husband writes about how they trust the Lord. They believe in miracles. They speak of Gods love and…