my counsellers told me to write letters to the people that hurt me and my son, today one called, she was not here for me when shawn went away, she was like a sister to me an aunt to my son. im s haking so bad im so mad. to say she never knew, I know was a lie. to hear her voice I wanted to slap her face. I told her in the letter not to call me, I just had to let things out in my letter. I can hear shawn saying mom stay away from her, don't let her hurt you again. I have not been this mad in…

everyday I ask god the same questions over and over.  when will my tears stop? when will I smile again? when will the pain go away? when will my heart stop hurting so bad?  when will you let me hold my son again, see his smile, hear his beautiful voice?  and over and over again I get  NO  answer,  why are we left to suffer so bad, when he knows im ready to go to. does my son hear me crying everyday? does he know im dieing without him? I cant remember not being in pain any more, it just hurts…

I find myself running to the phone when it rings, hoping its shawn, telling me hes coming home,  he loves me.  when I pick it up most of the time they don't talk, just breathe.  I wish with all my heart it was my son.  why do people do this, every dam day we get it.  I miss him so much,   I feel so dead inside. without shawn theres nothing to live for, nor do I want to any more.

today is 21 months, there are times when it feels like 10 years ago but most of the time its like yesterday. today is worse , as im sitting here crying my eyes out again, im begging shawn, god and my mom to not let me forget my sons voice, oh god im so afraid ill forget it. I beg god to take me now, please please help me, shawn take me home, take away my pain please. I miss you so bad and love you so very much. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want my baby, I want to die. god help me  …

I miss you more and more everyday, my broken heart bleeds each day. im trying so hard to understand, but its to hard, I try to smile when I think of you every min of the day but my tears  fall so fast. I know you are here watching over me , protecting me when we were robbed, holding me when I cry so hard and for so long, I still pray every night to go with you, hold you in my arms. there is no life without you, theres no love left in my heart, just emptiness, im one day closer to you but not…

today I was told im cronicley depressed, I now have 2 different grieving councelers, from 2 different places. I pray they can help me  even just a little. I cant remember a day when I was not crying all day and night. still that unbearable pain, still so lonely, empty, everyday I fight not to take my life, but I don't know why, to hold my son, to hear mom I love you, to see his beautiful smile and his voice  again that's all I want.im so sorry I have not been on to try to help others in…

its been so long since I held my son, heard his voice. its all like yesterday for me. the unbearable pain still here. I keep telling my self he will come home, back to me. I cry all the time, waiting begging him to come back. its all my fault, I should have been harder on him, to take better care of his self. I pray to go with him everyday. waiting for him to take my hand. I cant go on without my shawn, im so tired, lonely, and still so  empty. please god hear my crys, take me to please 

today I had to  end it with my sister, her heart has turned to stone, week after week hurting me, telling me to get over it, telling me to take pills to be with my son. I told her its a fight everyday not to do that but she said do it , go. im so tired, so much pain and hurt inside.  god help me please. I died the day he took my baby, now just take me to him.  I want my son back,  I need my shawn.

tomorrow june 11 my mom has been gone for 34 years, I can remember it all like it was yesterday. I pray everynight that she has my son, my baby. please god let her tell me she has shawn, I need to know my babys ok, happy and not alone. I beg her to take me to my shawn. I miss them with all my heart. what I would give to hold them both, please mom please help me, take care of my baby   always and forever      all my love

today the girl next door came over to show me her new baby, I could not go out side to see her. all I could do was cry remembering when my beautiful son shawn was born weighing 5 pounds 14 ounces. so beautiful and I knew he was mine forever, never in a million years did I think he would go away and I am alone, empty. my life now is crying and praying to go with him. my heart so broken, its to hard to see people happy, to se new babies, to see life go on. I so hate living waking up each…

im sorry I have not been on for a long time, for those that are new im truly sorry for your loss, to my friends that I have made in here I still feel your pain. I have not been doing to  good health wise, but I really don't care any more, I still pray every night to be with my son shawn. I cry morning noon and night, I feel my pain will never end, the emptiness, the darkness is so unbearable.to feel as lonely as I do is no way to live. I hope with all my heart you are all doing a little…

last night was the first time I had a dream in 16 months, and it was my son shawn. he came to me, he was wearing a white baseball shirt trimmed in red. he looked so nice and lost weight, and he still has his beautiful beard. oh that smile, on his face was so wonderful to see,  I ran so fast to him threw my arms around him. my baby came  to me he really did,when he starting walking away I yelled at him are you coming back,  I woke up to my t v  being turned on, I know shawn did that, I know…

shawn I miss you so much, you are and always will be the love of my life forever. I cry so much and pray you come to me, everyday is a fight to not take pills to be with you, im waiting for you to tell me to come.i pray its soon.there are times I feel you are  here  touching my hair, my arm. I sleep with your toque, your fave red one I made you. I can smell you in it. as I hold it tight each night I cry so hard, and I tell myself everyday you will come home to me.when you went away I went…

please shawn help me, I need to feel you . to know im not alone. to have a   stranger break into our home while I slept, and he took away   my laptop, my thoughts, my beautiful pictures of  you,  why, and how could  someone  take away what I had left? please show me you are here , holding me. my tears wont stop, but I wish  my heart would. im so afraid . you are the love of my life, my son my baby.  I pray  I get the computer back, but I know in my heart its gone forever. help me shawn …

last night when we were sleeping someone broke in stole my lap top. every pic of my son, every e mail he sent me.  god how much more, I feel so violated. he took my memorys.

today is shawns birthday, and easter and 15 months since he went away.  this weekend has been nothing but crying. watching everyone  having a great time while im dieing inside.  my babys birthday and I just want to hold him,  tell him hes the love of my life. no one in my family has called, im going to let balloons go and I asked them to come but no. it hurts but im getting use to it now.   to my son, shawn I pray you are with mom and I hopw with all my heart  you have a beautiful day…

oh god how I hate the holidays, there just to painfull.  shawns birthday is on easter this year, and it will be 15 months since he went away.  my tears will never stop. the pain will never stop. sunday I will let balloons go, I know he will get them, I know he sees my tears. I want to hear his voice to see his smile to hold him tight.  my beautiful son I love you always and forever, and I pray to be with you now. my life is over the emptiness is so painfull. please shawn have a beautifull…

today I got mail for shawn, omg I cryed and screamed, the pain I felt in my heart.  will it ever stop? oh god I miss my baby so bad. I just want so much to RUN to him. my eyes are so swollen, my heart so empty. oh please please god take me to my son, im so tired and weak. so alone.  almost 15 months, its like yesterday, easters on the 5, his birthdays the 5 and the fifth means 15 months . so dam much on one friggen day, its to hard to deal with, to pain full to  go on. let me feel you shawn…

my older sister called first time in a month, asked me how I was, I told her it was a bad week hurting and crying. to my surprise  she told me to take all my pills and end my life then I will be with my son.  I cryed all night holding my pills, waiting for shawn to help me decide. I want so much to go with him, I cant go on like this, it hurts so much. maybe shes right, I know ill never be happy without my son, I feel to much hate, so dead inside, so very empty and alone, dear god so alone. …

I cry everyday, I feel so dead, please shawn help me to be with you. that's all I want, that's what I need. I have never felt such pain in my heart. I need you to come to my dreams, let me hold you one more time, let me hear you call me  MOM , let me feel your love one more time. you are and always will be my perfect son, my baby forever. how will I handle your birthdays coming, mothers day is coming,  I will never be happy till I hold you again,  please god take me to my son, let me smile…