I've been working at the daycare for a couple of months now. I was wondering when it would hit me. I prayed it wouldn't, but it did. I have a little girl at the daycare that I just adore, and she adores me. I love them all, but this little girl is special to me. When I look in her eyes, I see my Lil Del. They are the same color, with the same sparkle. She calls me nanny! She's just a year old so she doesn't say to many words, but she can say nanny! All the other kids call me Anne, but this…

Well here I am again. Hahaha! I sure had a rough couple of weeks there! But here I am. Truth is I don't want to be without you! I have decided that I need to be here, and I think you need me too, so here I am. I'd apologize for my madness, but I did learn a lot about me, and about others, and this stinky process of grief. However I am a bit ashamed of behaving like a child. You know it doesn't matter how long time has passed. When you lose someone you have loved, you always go in, and out of…

I QUIT. I'm done. I thought I could help, but I feel like what I say or write is wrong or hurtful. Today I hurt. I hurt as bad as I did the day I held my sweet little boy in a body bag all burned up. I also feel like I have hurt the ones I just wanted to help, and maybe give a little hope. When I  write it's not that everyday I feel good, and happy. I wish I had someone to shed a little hope for me so I thought I should give some hope to others.  What I didn't realize is not everyone is…

Once again October is here, and so am I. I have decided to just blog for a while. I feel like I am hurting peoples feelings by posting where I am in this process, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just thought I could give a little hope to all who are hurting. When I was first going through this journey, I wished I had one person who would talk to me, and tell me that there is hope, and the light will shine again. I wanted to hear these words from someone who had walked in my shoes. I…

I have been working at the daycare for a month now! Yipeee! I wipe snotty noses, clean poopy butts, and stop little one's from throwing toys! I have to say, I LOVE It! Today the babies were having a rough day. I think they are teething. Anyway they were so cuddly and just wanted to be held, and loved today, so that's what they got! I have surly surprised myself. I honestly didn't think I could love like that again, let alone love someone else's children. Surprise, Surprise! One little girl…

I can't understand why I keep having to learn that lesson over, and over! I'm off work today. Yep that's right I started my new job at the daycare center. I must say I do enjoy the little ones so much. At first I was a bit sad because the memories of the boys became so vivid in my mind, but somehow the sadness turned into joy. Joy because I did have the time I had with both boys. While I changed a dirty diaper, and played peek a boo with a wee one I was reminded that besides their death it…

I have been having a pretty tough time recently, as my older posts show. So I have had to do some serious soul searching, and I did not like what I saw. I saw a child throwing a temper tantrum because things didn't go her way. I saw a mother with a very broken heart, and I saw a middle aged woman doing nothing, to help herself. Worst of all I saw a angry, sad, and lost human being. I wanted every one else to fix it, or to help fix it. I couldn't muster up the strength or courage to do…

Since I first became a part of the group nobody wants to belong too, I have often wondered to myself, does anybody really care? or are we all here just trying to survive? Does anyone really live? or is this just like the hamster who goes round and round, and round? Every day I do my best to have a positive attitude, and everyday I think this will be the day that I get some time off from being a grieving person. I have good days, and bad days like everyone else. Sometimes I can cope, and…

I just don't know what's wrong with me today. Actually all week. Can't seem to focus, stay on task or stay awake. My eyes don't want to stay open, and my mind don't want to shut off. This is were the confusion and frustration seep in. I live every day coping and using my skills. I just wish for a day off. Just one day off from being me. My life wears me out. I watch all the Catholics go to church every Saturday night, and Sunday morning. I cant remember what it's like being part of it all. I…

What a day. I'm trying to get some help with my weight and my arthritis. I get such terrible debilitating migraine headaches. I know my being top heavy is causing part of the problem. I don't understand why I have to be the one to figure out what's wrong with me. I go the doctor, and instead of helping figure out why i'm having them in the first place, all he did was complain about how much medicine it takes to get rid of them. I figured out that my weight, and being so top heavy pulls on my…

I have had a rollercoaster of a week. I got scolded by a doctor because of a serious migrain instead of trying to find out why I have them in the first place. Then all the noise from the fireworks, and the people everywhere. Most of all the holiday itself. My kids loved the 4th of july. 2 weeks before the 4th, my kids would be the most helpful. They knew if they worked hard and did their chores and then some, that I would buy them each their own fireworks. They used to love blowing up cow…

This morning I was up at 7am! It's rare that I am up that early, unless I've been up all night. I was watching The Waltons. I usually do in the morning before I leave my bedroom for the day. You see I have had this fantasy about having this family for my own all my life.  If I could have afforded 7 children I would of had them. Now that I know how life can betray a person, i'm not so sure. That's why it's a good thing to not know what the future holds. I always dreamed that if you were a…

I have been befuddled over the passing of the 10 year old boy that was hit by a car last week. My grandchildren were in my care all last week so there wasn't much time for deep thought. Npw that I am alone now I'm having lots of thoughts about it, so I went to the farm for a little distraction, plus the grass out there really needed cutting. I brought my dog Zero with me. Zero's getting old and I want him to have a good summer. Anyway Zero and I took a trip to the farm. I buzzed around…

Last night I heard a bunch of sirens go by, As always I froze for a minute and got a sick feeling in my gut. It was a 10 year old boy. He was riding his bike and was hit by a car. He is brain dead. They are waiting for the rest of the family to arrive and then they will terminate his life support. I can barely think about this without getting sick to my stomach. It gives me flashbacks. I am a little disappointed in myself. I can't think of one thing I could say to this young mother to…

Well here it is. Memorial Day. Comes every year the same time The difference is this year my heart is as dark and lonely as the ocean in the middle of a moonless night. The clouds are dark and they remind me of how hard people try to overcome the devastating loss of someone they love more than life itself. It will pass they say. It will get better I have heard a million times. I have said those same words myself a million times. They do get better, but for how long? Just long enough to start…

Well Good day! After reading my last post I must say, Shame on me! How pitiful the last post sounds. Now that's self pity! Sometimes i'm pretty good at it! Reading the last post is the reason why i'm grateful for this blog. When I write I realease the yucky bad stuff that enters my heart and my mind. There is no book to tell me how to deal with all of this, so I just have to do the best I can with what I learn from day to day. I dont like to read my pity posts, but I do because it's good for…

Well today is the firt day of the new year. I'm in a strange place right now. I've gone through so many emotions this past year. I liked the good state of mind. I don't like the sad state of mind. I like feeling ok because I don't know what feeling wonderful is anymore. I've gone through so much that just when I think I've got things atleast somewhat figured out, the old haunts come back to bite me. I've worked so hard to treat my daughters better than ever so they'd know that they are just…

Hello! Long time so write! Over the last year I have been taking stock of my life and my faith. Alot has happened. My daughter and my granchildren have moved away because my daughter finally has someone to love her, respect her and treat in the way she deserves. This new man has taken such good care of my granchildren that you cant tell he is not their biological father. He is a father to in every aspect of the word. Although it broke my heart a little to see them go, I understand…

Hello my blog. It's been a long time since I have spoke to you. I must say I have missed you. For a long time I thought I might delete you and ever come back to this sight. I felt like no one wanted to hear about the good and about survival, but I have learned that to each his own. I am at a crossroad in my life. I have learned that not everyone reaches this crossroad at the same time. I am a very hardheaded kinda gal. I have been through so much over the years that it makes my head spin…

Today I watched a movie called Soul Surfer. It's a true story about a young girl who was a great surfer. While she was surfing a shark attacked her a bit off her arm.She wanted to know why. Why her? What could God possibly want this to happen to her.After mourning the loss of her arm, she picked herself up and tried to surf again. She failed. Then she went to a country to help with cleanup from a tsunami. When she saw the devestation she couldnt help but try to do something to help these…