I was busy today, bathed the animals, brushed them all out which is a  huge job with 1 himilayan cat, 1 maltese, 2 poodle crosses.  After everyone was blown dry and looking good we played inside for awhile before one of the dogs, the 4 year old foster Ive only had for a month started to dance around letting me know she wanted to go outside.  It was great, she was not good in the house when I got her so this was a giant step for her.  As I was bouncing and clapping and humming in excitement…

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I found this today and it is worth sharing.  I found it validated all of what I have been telling myself and others about letting me do this my way.  I have lived through enough horror in my life I know I needed to trust myself to make the right decisions for me and reading this today was good.  I am going to print a copy off and put it on my fridge.  I hope when you click on the link it takes you to the page written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. called Helping yourself heal when your spouse…

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I almost called this part 1 of mission impossible until I realized that I accomplised that in September when I sorted and organized and packed away my husbands home office.  Today I tackled his clothing.  I did ok I think.  There are boxes of  t-shirts, jeans and dress shirts destined to be quilts for kids and grandkids.  There was a bag of winter cloths for my brother who was freezing.  Three bags for good will.  There are still some things I havent figured out yet, like his 10 fleece vests… Continue

                                                                                  My grief is my own

No one else will ever feel exactly what I feel

My grief is a part of me

A refection of my life up until now

I do not grieve as my children grieve for their father

I grieve as a wife for my man

I do not grieve as a mom for a son

I…

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I think I finally figured out my magic cure for constant, agonizing grief.  It is so simple but I cant have it all the time.  It is my grandchildren.  Last week my youngest grandson who lives 10 minutes from me and is almost 11 called and asked if he could come have a sleepover on the weekend.  He figured it was time to give his mom and dad some peace and quiet.  He is a very very bright, and ever more active little boy.  He has been awarded the academic award every year he has been in school… Continue

Well today was the day after our Thanksgiving weekend.  At first I didnt think I could handle hosting the dinner knowing my husband wouldnt be at the head of the table, and who would carve the turkey.  Not to mention that our sons place would be empty again too.  He died March 2010.  First our daughter and her family called and they wouldnt be coming home this year for financial reasons.  They got a little behind during Toms illness with all the trips back and forth and then our daughter stayed… Continue

Today is 3 months.  I feel more lost than I did the morning you died.  Our son is coming for dinner tonight to celebrate his birthday.  I had to sign his card, love mom.  No love dad.  The first time in 34 years, you were there when he tried to blow out his first candle and ended up sticking his head in the cake.  I dont have a picture of you with him that year.  You were the one taking the pictures.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  I'm trying to find things to be thankful for and I will be… Continue

You came into my life and lit a spark

Your gentle nature stole my heart

The years flew by

You worked so hard

“Tomorrow” we will have time to play.

Well that Tomorrow will never be

I feel so cheated

Lifes so unfair

I’m here alone

You’re taken away

We don’t get another day.

 

First I had to keep it together for my husband because he had enough to deal with without being worried about me.  Then it was making arrangements and taking care of immediate business that kept me holding on.  But now, nearly 2 months in and Im finally starting to realize how much I have lost.  How much I loved him and didnt mean it when I told him I would be ok.  I am not ok, I will never be ok again.  I dont need anything but for my love to be back here beside me where he belongs.  I will… Continue

Im wondering how long the phone calls for my husband will continue.  He worked with forestry professionals from Alaska to Colorado, BC to Ontario.  There is no way for everyone to get notified of his passing so it seems a few times every week I answer a call from someone who jauntily asks to speak with Tom.  It is horrible to have to tell them he has died.  Most are in shock and ask what happened, expecting me to be able to answer.  Because he worked from home the past 5 years alot of these… Continue