I don't know how I feel anymore.  Just sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I live with my sis and now that she is gone, I rent a room from a fellow nursing student.  All my things in storage, and really want to get a place of my own with my daughter...only family left here in Arizona.  Not close with 2 of my brothers and the other one is still as devastated as I am so conversations are difficult, besides, my phone was stolen the day after B-Day anyways...need to get a…

Well, I made it through my first birthday without Ariel in 15 years.  Overall it went pretty well. I started the day with something for Memorial Day I'd heard from a lady at the support group I attended last Wednesday.  I went to the store, got a helium balloon, wrote some things to Ariel on it, and let it go into the sky.  I like that symbolism a lot better than writing a letter and burning it.  It was hard in some ways and had me crying more than once.  However, it did feel like a way to…

I don't know really happened today as I traveled to Omaha for work but today was a better day than yesterday.  I can think about my loss and still want to cry but it didn't happen half as much as yesterday. I have offered kind words to others and I believe my Lisa would appreciate that. She was always willing to help others in need even when she suffered from her disease.  I wonder now who will take care of me the way she did whenever I got sick or didn't feel well.   I hope to find solace…

A client and dear friend visited me at the salon last week. We're talking and sharing stories of our fathers and what they meant to us.. as I'm walking home from work, I feel this weird sensation. It takes me awhile to figure it out.  Finally I realize; that it's happiness. I feel happy. I don't know why. No rhyme or reason.  But I feel like I'm flying, it feels so good. Then I realize it's been sooo very long since I felt that.…

Last night I got to talk to the lady from the grief support group that I'd been put in contact with as a mentor.  I hadn't talked with her in several weeks, and it was good getting to catch up.  The first part of the conversation was just checking in, how I'm doing with work, with sleep, with eating, and so on.  She seemed to think I'm doing pretty well with the day-to-day stuff right now.  I'll take her word for it, as it sure diesn't feel like it to me right now.

Where it…

I'm fine with going through whatever I have to go through. I almost don't mind the pain and sadness because I'm thinking of my father and how much I miss him. But what I can't get through is how everything changes, in as little as a day, an hour, a minute.

One day, I'm looking at his photo and I love it.. brings me comfort..his smile makes me smile.

The next day, the exact same photo and I'm in so much pain looking at it that I can't bare to look at…

Find it weird, but I do not want to forget a single second of the past horrible 2 months. Not to be morbid or twisted, but I just don't want to forget. Took me awhile to figure out why. It's because every thing that had happened will be a last. My daddy's last smile, the last time he looked at me, the last time we talked, the last time we said i love you to each other. The last time I saw his face light up when I walked in the hospital room. The last time he squeezed my hand when he couldn't…

Everyone tells me that the worse of things is over. And in a way they're right. The constant roller coaster ride of the hospital is over. The never ending journey of hopes; then despair.  Sometimes it's daily, sometimes it's hourly.  Now, it's done. I go home and drink as much as i can. Not to get drunk, but to just sleep. To finally sleep.  And I do. the next morning; I see you daddy standing next to my bed, watching me.  Out of the corner of my eye. You're here. I turn to see you and then…

I again, have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there is nothing they can do.  I bring your best friend with me because I know that i will not hear everything they say. I know it is time. Your friend tells me that when you go I do not have to be there. I do not have to be there when you die.  I'm furious that you would even think that. That I would let my father die alone, with no one there breaks my heart.  I have made sure that his wife sees him everyday, that he has his wedding ring on…

Though this life treated you like scum

you gave me the beat to my drum

you let your heart crack and bleed

and made me suffer and need

you shut out all who wanted to see you well

to the bottle you would scream and yell

yet underneath the surface of this all

was a woman trapped by the alcohol

a woman whose heart was as big as the sun

and really just wanted to have fun

her heart ached for me

she was so blind but i…

Every time a hummingbird came into the backyard, you would always tell us to look. How you loved to feed them, and see them sit on the hummingbird feeder.  The feeder is dry and dusty now. Don't know how long it's been since you've filled it up.  Don't know how long it's been since the last time you saw one.

I have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there's nothing else they can do.  All the fluid is gone from your lungs, but you're still not breathing.  Every day you…

Why does this day hurt the worst? I have been through many holidays and many special occasions but Mothers Day is one of the most painful of all. I havent slept in weeks every little thing makes me cry. I've been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 2 weeks.

.I havent slept for more than a half an hour at a time. It's like the punishment from hell.the nightmares have been so horrific I feel like putting my head through a wall. Cant talk about it cant let anyone see me cry. No onewould…

On February 25th, at 2:25 I lost my father.  And in the same week, I realized that I also lost my mother.  I realized through disbelief, that she no longer knows who I am.  I am no longer her little girl, her daughter, her Pumpkin.  In shock, I asked her if she thought I was related to her. She said no.  Her Alzsheimers has finally taken her away from me. I never thought this day would come.  She looks at me and smiles like she always does.  But then I realize, she looks that way at…