I am just so god damn tired. Everything takes a ridiculous, enormous amount of energy. A simple trip to the store, getting a haircut, many times just getting out of bed in the first place. It is exhausting. The first death anniversary I went into a block. The second has felt like a second knock out punch when I'm still in the critical care unit from the first one 2 years ago. I haven't even begun to recover. Just struggle to survive. I'm fighting for a life I've given up on.

Taking a…

I'm so beyond unhappy, so beyond miserable - just make the final twist in the dagger and be fucking done with it. My life has never been easy. That's a fact. I am so tired and can't seem to say it enough. I feel like I've tried to make my life work. Gary was the one thing that was finally starting to go right for me and then I lose it all with absolutely no warning. If I could of anticipated his death would that have changed my grief? I highly doubt it but at least certain preparations could…

I have really been struggling since the year mark and still trying to figure out why. Not that such struggle is anything new in this nightmare but I am still trying to process it and it's like I have a block or something. I've heard for some the second year is harder because it all becomes real. I don't know if that is what's happening for me. Has anyone else felt this?

The depression is still ever present and seems the trigger to sink me lower comes more easily. I hate my life…

Having a conversation with someone last week it seems no matter what, someone likely, maybe always, suffers in the physical from a death. You have on one extreme as mine, sudden and unexpected. We are the ones to suffer. You have those who are sick prior and by the time they pass, we are relieved they are no longer suffering as the quality of their life was no more. They are the ones to suffer. I don't know there is any scenario death causes no one physical suffering ...

I've had 3…

I continue to feel the need to clear my head and write what I am feeling ...

What my pain says: My life is over. I don't want to be here anymore. [With my situation] it is bullshit how I was regarded. Fucked up how things played out. I deserved better than that. I didn't get what so many others get in the physical and then I don't even get it in death. I deserved better than to have this happen in the first place. I don't know how to live without him. How to live with all our somedays…

March 10th was one year. What to say about it now ...

As for sleeping goes I am back to being tired all the time, sleeping a lot and struggling for energy, severe depression, etc.

There is still a huge frustration as to exactly what I'm feeling and/or feeling both extremes of a spectrum at the same time and in a way that has been atypical with the prior oxymorons of this hell. Such as numb right beside all the rest of the feelings. Numb hasn't been a big player for me so to cry…

The one year mark is coming up. I haven't been able to tell yet how I will take it. Before today I felt like it wasn't going to be a huge trigger. I have not stopped reliving that day so I thought it may just be like every other day of this miserable existence. But in the last days of February and now March officially hitting, I just don't know. I may go down the black hole of my already existing hell as I have with other triggers. My sleep at night has gotten bizarre. Jan and Feb was no…

I continue to wrestle and fight with is this concept of logic. I have been saying I can understand these things happen but tell that logic of "these things happen" to my heart as it can't understand. I see now I am fighting logic against logic. It is logical in this day and age to live out a life. It is logical to think that you meet someone who finally fits and you should be able to have the many years deserved, especially at mine and Gary's age. It's logical you should get sick, have some…

I really don't know where this road of hell is leading to. Yesterday was 11 months. I'm still in a funk from last Friday. I don't know that I'm getting any answers. My heart still doesn't understand why he had to go. I still don't understand how to fucking do this. I'm so damn tired of saying it and living this heartbreak. But my words don't change a damn thing. I feel like I'm in the broken nuthouse. I'm on the roller coaster that has stalled in hell. I don't want to do this anymore. This…

Yesterday I didn't shower. Didn't even bother getting out of my pajamas. Realizing Friday what day that was a year ago seemed to open the wound. I wasn't expecting that. Wasn't even thinking that would be a trigger. It made me remember how everything was finally coming into reach. Something I've wanted all my life. Something Gary and I had been fighting so hard for.

I saw a picture yesterday from what looked like handful of years ago of one of my exes and his wife on her FB page. She…

Ever since New Years I'm not sure exactly where my feelings are going. But something is changing. When this hell first happened I felt like I was in 3 places at once - back "there" in March 10th, on this miraged, twilight zone planet, and a completely different, distant planet with my only connection to the first. I've heard people relate grief to being out on a desolate, vast ocean, floating in the middle of nowhere. That may be what I'm starting to feel now. The difference between the…

I feel I've had another experience that he's with me but I need to know I'm not the only one seeing it ... ?

 Last night I went to bed. I have a sleep app on my tablet I use. I opened it up but set it aside as I forgot I was going to read for a bit. Once finished I put the book down, picked up my tablet, unlocked the screen and saw red scribbles that were not there prior. This scribble app has come open at least once before and I don't even know how to pull it up. But I immediately…

Every day is hard and miserable but Sunday seems to be the worst. I have thought to myself that I need to find something to do but by then I'm so tired from the prior week, exhausted from life, I don't want anything to do. I'm ready for something meaningful and I only want Gary. So I just get that much more depressed.

What a waste of time! Waste of a day. Waste of a life. Waste of an existence.

For all these months I couldn't accept Gary died, couldn't say the "d" word. Still…

I feel like there is so much to say but yet I have nothing to say. Another damn oxymoron, nothing new in this hell. I will type anyway.

I still can't believe Gary is physically gone. I say that in a more solemn way. Before, my mind nor my emotions could wrap itself around this concept. It was the nightmare. The bad dream you can't wake up from. Feeling like every part of my existence is living on some distant planet while at the same time in some bizzare, twilight zone my body was…

I have been doing some biofeedback. The software program the University has is very nice. Friday I was listening to a meditation type portion to release physical tension. The recording said, "Everything is absolutely okay right now." I felt a chord get struck immediately and probably within 30 seconds I had tears falling down my checks. No. NO, everything is NOT absolutely okay. This wasn't a shocking revelation to me as I've been saying that all this time but I don't know that I've really…

In the beginning of this I felt like I was in a nightmare, at times it still feels that way. Now I feel like I'm just in plain hell.

I can't remember for sure what book I read it in and of the books I've read, only one has said this. One of the things needed in grief is to connect to your loved one. I would agree. I've said it before but there is no "moving on". That's what you do in a break up and that was not what happened here. I went ahead with a medium reading this past week as…

Reading through various entries today I was reminded of Morgan's line, Everything is the same yet nothing is the same. The first time I read that it hit me. Reading it again, I can't think of an oxymoron more true in this fucking hell. There is just no fucking point to any day. No meaning. No reason when everything can be taken away in the blink of a fucking eye. I am still so mad that this is my damn life. I feel so robbed. I didn't get time. I didn't get to come home to Gary crafting up…

Sunday (yesterday) Gary's ashes were buried. A couple days prior I went for broke and gave one last attempt to get some of them. I actually got some. I still can't believe I got it to work out. I've felt like so much was against me. I've been in limbo, stressed, wondering, feeling like I have to be so strategic and careful in how I go about it for 6 months dealing with the concept of his ashes.

I will not elaborate here on details after his passing other than I did not feel…

It feels as though depression is starting to make it's way in. The last 2+ weeks I feel my physical body taking some toll from this hell. I'm so lethargic, excessively tired all the time, so little motivation, a drastically reduced ability to handle every day life. Isolation has gone up a notch to almost completely of anyone "normal". Time is still frozen, a stopped standstill. The constant stretching I've felt from the beginning as life mercilessly continues on has turned to a slow…