I always think now that i will never feek the best feeling in the world..my boys being born..i am constantly feeling the pain of getting the news that my sister died...i cant get over it its been 5 months and i remeber and feel the same feeling i got when i got the news...like my breathe was taken away my heart my sun..i dont know why..she was my best  friend but i would think that this feeling would come if one of my sons died not my sister...seems nothing is happy anymore nothing is worth…

Last weekend I went to do an angel card reading for a friend of my cousin. He had lost his wife earlier this year. After the reading we were talking about grief and loss. The next day I got a call from my cousin. Joe, the friend, Had gone to see a medium that morning and after getting messages from his wife, the medium asked 'Who is Ken?'. Somehow Ken used Joe's reading to send a message to me! Ken told the medium and Joe that he loves me very much, he is sorry for leaving early and he wants…

I heard humming upstairs,

like a moth against a screen.

I thought it was you;

I ran up towards the sound, a

pillow of warm expectations

clutched inside my pounding heart.

It was not you.

A fallen Christmas bulb

circled around wooden floors

singing in bright colors with

dancing, bouncing bells

I heard glasses of peppermint

martinis clink together,cheer in the

next room at a holiday…

Yesterday was one month for me. I feel kind of disjointed, but some very dear friends came over and we had a really nice day. Today has been sad and kind of bleak. I rested a lot and just stayed home. Thank you you Cathy for sharing your thoughts with me.

My son who is 8 years old now  gets to come to my place of work some weekends.  I work Security and part of my job is to view security monitors.  Today he asked me, "Daddy, can we put a video camera on the roof and catch Santa coming down the chimney?"  "I want to see if he really has reindeer and a sleigh!"

He was so serious when asking me this.  I had to turn away to put on a straight face and I turned back to face him and said,  "Nicki boy, people only see him at the mall, and by…

I am sitting here crying but, I have to go to work instead. I sometimes wonder if this happens to others and how they cope?

    - NewsBreak -

This just in............A message from the National Institute of Happiness.

It reads, and I quote......"Grief Sucks!"

Today out of nowhere came the urge to purge.  The storage areas in the basement were taking over and more so with my husbands stuff toted up and stored there too.  So I went through it with a calm I havent felt until today and could easily give up at least half of all the toys.  Im not sure if I have said I was a daycare provider for my whole working life.  For the first 16 years I worked in a group daycare working my way up to head supervisor.  But then my daughter, 20 at the time, became…

At this time of year, i will get Danny a new pair of shoes, sports jacket, new pair of glasses, or a cologne maybe??.

For Dad, it was always the same gift, either a warm sweater or a jacket?....

Now, i am no longer shopping for xmas presents for either of them.. I am now buying flowers for both of them..

My mother and I share the…

Four years ago at this time, Silas was here fighting cancer, the disease that doesn't show itself in anyway that allows for fighting fair. What the hell, since there were no clear rules, it seemed right that Silas should come up with a few rules of his own. The most important rule; he would do things his way. He would listen, assess, and act accordingly. Because Sy was diagnosed with stage IV cancer that included mets to his spine, he was feeling very sick pretty much from the time of his…

OMG where did that time go!?!

Met with a few friends from work to eat lunch. Made some tough decisions this last week, and got a couple of good grades in school. Glad today was not a yesterday. I miss my Michael.

After my father in law passed away July 2010 I became personally aware that people truly had a tremendous need for comfort and a solid hope.  I find most people think that they have faith and hope but when they really need both there is a huge hole.  My husband, daughters, son, Mother in Law and extended family all reacted differently.  I never knew that there could be a physical reaction - I got so sick - it was like a virus for about 3 days...



When the final call came it was…

My trip out to see my mom and sis for thanksgiving was a turning point. Flying out there, I was stressed out, as always. First major holiday without my daddy sitting at the head of the table. And as always I'm stressed and worried about my family. But it was actually great. I'm busy getting food, cleaning the house, making dinner, and they're so excited for Thanksgiving. Decorating the tree, the house. We laugh and have a great time, and while he's always on my mind, it doesn't seem to come…

I feel like someone turned my binoculars backwards and I am looking at a little bitty world but I know it's a really big world, and it is not the same. I feel kind of disjointed, sad, mad, out of sorts, and impatient all at once. I miss Michael! Often I have not so nice names for him because I think he was a jerk for leaving me like he did... then I feel guilty... and all of this grief comes over me and I just manage to say bad day to everyone who asks.

I can't sleep. I miss you so much. It seems so unfair that you are not here. It has not even been a month. I have trouble breathing sometimes and can't see myself doing this without you. I close my eyes and hear your last moments. I feel like a chunk of ice that is begining to thaw out. I was so cold and numb at first, but now little things chip away at that cold numbness and it feels like a kick in my stomach. I have no one to talk to. No one here gets this pain. They all say, "You have to…

Today we went to Precious Moments, and all around me was living color, but the one thing that kept hitting me was the word GONE. Earlier today it was SAD. I miss you and I want your warmth and your arms and I can't have them. I can't talk to you and I don't hear you say "Honey Baby" anymore. My bed is empty and cold and my heart feels like it's been glued shut. I miss you Michael.…

The first Christmas without my mom someone sent me this poem and ornament and it gave me a little comfort, hope it gives some a little comfort.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel you love on

Cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes

and all your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

you stand…

It was my quilt guild Christmas party tonight.  It has been quilters only for as long as I have been a member so I thought I could handle it since it wasnt something I had done with my husband in the past.  Oh how foolish of me.  There was a member whose dad has been diagnosed terminal and this will be their last Christmas as a family.  And I thought, oh how I wish we could have had one more Christmas, what a gift that would have been.  One table of ladies was talking about how wonderful it…

God looked around his garden

And He found an empty place

He then looked down upon this earth

And saw your loving face.

He put His arms around you

And lifted you to rest

God's garden must be beautiful

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering

He knew you were in pain

He knew that you would never

Get well on earth again.

He saw that the road was getting…