shawn, on wed it will be a year,  im so filled with sadness, lonelyness  emptiness and so very heart broken. I remember it all like it was yesterday. each day is harder and harder to try to go on. I still pray each night to go with you. I know I don't want to go on with out you. I cry everyday and night, sadness floods over me and I cant hold on. with out you there is no sun, no light, just darkness all the time. I promise ill be with you soon, to hold you forever and never let you go. to…

well again my sister slapped me in the face, she called to tell me her daughter bought her a grandfather clock on sat for x mas,  I just told her I was not feeling well and had to go.  I cryed my heart out, all I want is my son, his voice, why don't people think before they open there dam mouths, I told her so many times the holidays mean nothing any more but pain. she keeps saying its time to move on. omg ill never move on, I cant. she sees my heart breaking she sees my pain every day, yet…

how can a mom go on with out her only child? how can my heart still beat, when its so broken?  how can my sisters go on like nothings happened? how do they not see im dieing inside? so many answers ill never get. I only want one thing just one thing one wish, to be with shawn, to hold him in my arms, kiss him and never ever let him go. today in months I saw a bunny again, I know he sent it to me, I know in my heart hes never left me, but I need so bad to dream of him, I need to know hes…

I miss you more everyday, I want so bad to touch your face to kiss you.  im so lonely without you. I cant remember what its like not to cry any more.  a few days ago a bunch of purple daisys sprung up on the front lawn, I know you sent them to me, there beautiful. there are times it hurts to breathe, and everyday day my heart hurts. im begging you with everything I have left to take my hand and take me with you. I cant do this without you, my love my son. my reason for living. please shawn I…

oh shawn I miss you so bad, my heart is so broken, I feel I just cant do this any more, it hurts so much. today I had to write out a  beautiful piece to put in the paper, oh god how I cryed. it took everything I had to hold it together when I handed it to her to put in the paper. its just not real, I feel you will come home to me, I just keep waiting. please baby let me hear  MOM again, let me hear  I LOVE YOU  again please. im waiting for you and always will. we will be together soon I…

my doctor told us, if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would have had a chance, instead of sending him home. oh god I want that dr to die, he killed my son, I cryed  so hard it was hard to breathe. how could a dr be so stupid, heartless an  ass hole. he took away the one chance my baby had,  I pray he loses everything in his life he loves, I want him to feel my pain, my broken heart.  I hate him  so much,  please shawn forgive me, I never thought I could hate like I am now.  I need you…

today my doctor is coming to talk to me, I have not seen her in almost a year. shes coming to talk about shawn and why. I went to see shawn earlier this morning and asked him and mom to be by my side, I just cant do this with out him. dear god help me through this morning.  please shawn I need you with me, I beg you to be here. im  afraid to hear it.  I cant stop crying and my broken heart is pounding so hard. my legs feel like rubber. don't leave me shawn, please be by my side please.  love…

how do I get through my first thanks giving with out you, I miss you so much. if my tears could bring you home, you would be here by now. I don't sleep, I cant think any more, my only thoughts are of you. I loved and lived for you, now I just want to go with you. help me please get through another terrible holiday. love forever my baby    mom

today I sat by my son crying so hard, this weekend is my first thanks giving with out him, we don't celebrate any of them any more. there just another dam day. but at the same time its so hard and it hurts so bad. as I type this my tears are falling, oh god I need my shawn, I miss his smile, voice, his smell. I want so much to hear him call me  MOM, im so empty in side. how do I get through this weekend, and soon after nov 5 it will be a year, omg I cant do this, I cant go on with out him, I…

my beautiful son shawn, my heart aches so much each and every day for you. sometimes I wonder where all my tears come from, I cry so much my eyes hurt. there are times I just want to scream my head off, and times I just cant breathe. shawn I cant go on, I just cant move any more. I think about being with you each and everyday. that's what I want more then anything.  to kiss your face, hold you, and never let you go. how can everyone go on, my heart is so empty, broken, shattered.  my life is…