We lived in our own little worlds. It went very fast when she went into St Davids South Austin Hospital the final time,as the wonderful doctors and nurses(don,t forgot the nurses) tore her body apart.(not literally ) You  know, heart valve repalcement,pacemaker oh gee don,t forgot shes on dialysis and won,t even have a chance of surviving. As me and her "gieving son and his wife stood around and watchd her life fade away.

Now if she survived she would have still given me a piece of…

hard to write anything without launching into the real truth. One never sees how realtionships really were. Regardless the living breathing person who has been by your side for 35 yrs dies. Dead passed away. I would launch into blame, anger (guilt) ?? umm.Ignorance ,being blind sided by emotional and pyschological problems . Living one day to the next ,unable to bring oneself to end a realtionship on…

its 457am in austin tx. I have been up since 3am .Mainly because I was up yesterday late and crashed late in the day which messed up my plans of getting my sleep cycles in order.To make matters worse I have some overtime I didn,t want but have to go to(umm nows the time to schedule all my appointments on my day off which is today)…

Iam on night shift two nights out of the week,its the two worst shifts of the week.Mainly because your whole sleeping cycle is disrupted.I end up taking meletonin.I have shots of vodka becasue I hate just laying in bed waiting to fall aleep

So did I make an appointment with the Psychotherapist Nooo! Shesss .Nor the dermatologist.I don,t know whats wrong with me(other than a upset stomach )meltonin and booze mixed together.Well I have to do over time for two hours plenty of time to…

I find Iam not as strong as I think Iam. Far from it ,eveything that has happend has overwelmed me and I had better admit it.Rome wasn,t built in a day. I kid myself when I just suck up the fact that my wife died and just keep on going. Nooo! far from it I had better slow down encompass the grief as it were. Iam not going to wake up and jump…

Well Iam not managing I did force myself to go to the gym,they show a movies in one of the excersize rooms so I do alot of time on the exersize machine watching the movies . I keep thinking of a social life.Gosh! did you ever see so many grief sites on the internet.Iam still at odds with the hosp over my wifes treatment.Of course yes! Iam sure there was a professional medical thing going there. Who knows…

if god was who everyone thinks he is it wouldn,t be to bad. You loose a love one but bad people still walk the earth.I go out and drink and drive because my wifes behavior triggers it off(yes maby Iam using that as an excuse) Iam drunk so bad I end up almost getting in a wreck and blacking out at stop light. Does God save me from going to jail. Yes!! Should I have escaped getting arrested and going to…

I do know that Iam going to have to make an appoint with a P doctor (Iam tired of having to figure out how to spell psychotherapist) so hence P doctor. Not a urologist. A mental health dude .So ! we all have the memory of out loved one in our brains. Iam on occasion overwrought with grief maby not that much,yes that much.I feel her presence.However she is not here.As much as we were close and you know how that…

Iam not going to say Iam over this because that would be a lie.Before she would be out there and I would be relishing the time she was gone  down deep she was lost and had to put up with me.Its her fault terrifying me every time she would decide to "teach me a lesson"Her personality most likley did her in.her  trust in St edwards south austin hospital did her in(the witch doctors practicing there vodoo medicine…

We really did have a good time together.Iam sorry I wasn,t more intimate Iam really in a slump.Its horrible because even if you feel very very bad and just want to lie down and die you cann,t. I left home coming to work and I started to feel very  very lonely. (joke: he got so bad he died from the very very disease) sorry I thought it was funny. So Iam in a slump .I miss my wife on the other hand I had better got out and beat the bushes because Iam very lonely.

Iam going to make an…

Iam in really bad shape for one reason or another.She went in the hosp and gradually ove night developed these terrible complications.She was doing alright ,well I know, Iam sure the next heart problem would be the last.Would that have  been better than suffering like that .She didn,t deserve to suffer like she did .I should have known once they said repalce heart valve replacement I should have said my last good…

I don,t get as much "killer flashbacks" Iam pretty good at denial ,(at least I think Iam,) havent been out drinking and driving (busted in 1989 Tx) laws weren,t as strict then,never the less paid court costs and did probation.I take it back Iam on another computer and get a flashback of us in a restraunt,she would always get up and get some soup (it was free) oh!! it was a small restraunt serving smoothies and different asian dishes.

I want to keep a notebook of memories but I think…

someones death brings home a sense of reality. Ahh what was that"taking life for granted" I don,t or didn,t understand my marraige to Fay. Well anyway its wasn,t lovinging in a normal sense.The early years were the most productive.I don,t think any of us want to approuch the subject of death. I don,t know why I was subject to seeing her go, …

My font size is a "little" bit to big I noticed, promise to downsize

Iam not suicidal.Only in the food dept and Iam cutting down.Grief to me is like a heavy person sitting on your chest.

This morning I was sitting in front of the computer(the supervisors computer ohhh!)he wanted me to watch a certain reaction to resetting some badge readers This was on the computer.I was looking at a read out on the computer and I started to get (startling recreations of seeing my wife dying in the hosp)I had…

I know Iam reaching the state of depression where I need to see someone. You know where it eats on you .I called a psycho therapist after she died and made an appointment. I canceled later.Well!!! I should have kept it Anyhow I manage to fight it off(depression) but ifeel its infected my bain.

Iam going to post a bigger pictue of me  and my wife.The picture was taken years ago when I wasn,t fat

Me and my stepson go to a buddist temple session (service) every Sun .My wife was taiwanese. You go for 7 sun and this assures she goes to heaven(pureland)

Two more sun and we don,t have to go back. I don,t want to make it sound bad its just in chinese.The monks or clergyman(all woman) always help you and speak excellent english.There is a big difference bertween a…

I was reading the post about friends and family not really offering any support.Its awful when someone says "aww you,ll just get over it"Its hard for anyone to imagine what the loss of a love one is like.Its been a little over a month since my my wife died in hosp.Its just now Iam coming to grips with it.Thank goodness for this web site.Iam thinking of looking up other online support,groups etc .I don,t think I would be…