there was a ,saying I picked up in AA (long time ago for AA) about being on your pity pot.I suppose being on your pity pot in grief is ok. Iam not going to be over my my loss(take three pills a day and see me in 6 month) I do know grief is stronge stronger than any emotion I have experienced.I wonder if it would have been different had I not allowed life support to be taken off. Had I not been stuck in the hallway of…

One month already? she passed away one month ago.So Iam wondering around out of control.True to form stepson and gradkids don,t call up .I have to learn to get out the there on my own. My wife used to bother her son with food and gifts.Oh yes her son skipped out years ago when she was out work leaving me hold the bag so to speak.Doesn,t even call up I could be dead laying in the bathtub.Of sourse he would try to get the house.I want to sell this house but I don,t want to be alone.Its hard to…

I have ATT  DSL at home and the dam thing stop working(The DSL) I just want to call them and get rid of it.

I get in a fit of depression over my wifes passing that it really gets to be a bone crusher(in other words the depression just takes you over and you have to fight thru it) its awful.If she was here she would…

Down deep we had a love for each other.As much as she was away from I missed her in a special way. She had awful mood changes taking what ever bothered out on me .She even tore into me in the hosp before things got worse. She had a love for me I miss her knowing there would be no  control and managing of my life. So its odd in a horrible way Iam alone without her control.No Iam not jumping thru hoops. However I get up the morning and plow thru it. 

today was the first time since my wife passed that I really felt her being gone .Of course it has been such a short time since since her untimely departure I still feel her presence. I hate those flashbacks.I just happend to be looking at some old video. clips of the grandkids and heard her voice in the background.Saw her go in the kitchen a view of her back.I turned off the video Iam 65 I cann,t see making it to 70 whats the use.I mean you…

I was never really lonely with her although when she was out and about I cherished moments by myself I start remebering the good times early in the marriage.Although thru the whole time I was married the burden of her "revengful temper' was always on my back.Ugh

Iam not sure how lifes would have turned out. There was more than one time I was drinking and driving after she laid into me.Anyway she was my rock.Alhtough she made some terrible financial errors. We never did plan for the…

well before it was pretty predictable.She would go out to do what she does (nothing bad) I would enjoy those moments. The die had pretty well been cast for a long time for us. I wonder if it would be different if I paid attention to her health.Its hard to say she went on dialysis in 2008 .We got married in1977.So there must have been a time where her kidneys started to fail. Did she ever pay attention to her health or maby I should have. I don,t know.I guess there things you have no control…

Of course I try to put the loss of her out of my head but the loss and its memories keep poping up.Memories you cannot control Some memories especially when I allowed the life support to be taken away are very vivid.Very bad. I was told once by a psycho therpist that I have a great resilency.

So I go to the urologist Thursday,he discusses my PSA blood (every three month) I had prostate cancer ,it was taken out.The check is made to see if your cancer is coming back . You dread a high…

even though our marriage wasn,t perfect and psychogically and emotionly we both suffered through negative mental crap we existed in somewhat of a happy state of mind. You never expect someones life to drastically change in a space of three weeks(maby four).After all she had heart problems and the hosp would always fix her . Whats odd she had a cardiac arrest(cpr) and She or me didn,t really place alot of thought on and apparently the bubbling…

I saw a post somewhere where the surviving spouse got rid of all departed belongings or at least stored it. I more or less incline to do that but at the samed time continue the legacy of the departed.Of course who the hell would remember me. Yes I want to change things at home. I have 35 yrs of memories  Stuff to sort thru stuff to put in a scape book.Stuff to throw away.I get ideas as I go along.…

there are some grief support groups in austin but not much. So I come here and blog,maby to much.. Me and my wife never did keep a photo album or anything like that. .Well ok we did along time ago.I don,t have a recent picture of her . People always ask how Iam doing and I always say "good" what I really want to say is Iam depressed screwed up I want to smash something and Iam  confused,No one is making decisions for me Iam having to…

I was reading some entries about medicating yourself . So I drink to fall asleep and take melitonin.Since my wifes death Iam trying to take better care of myself .I have been telling myself ,put a little less vodka in the orange juice. My liver won,t take this forever ,like I have a charmed life or somethng "Wrong!!!" Whos kidding who. I feel much better today. Its still very strange without her even though we never really…

I hate this dam laptop

,you know how it will scoll automaticlly.if you know know it just does it . I lost my faher in a car accident he was driving a VW bus(you don,t seem anymore ,and he was returning from work.I was driving down the same highway when it happend and saw the wreck. I went around and went home,when I didn,t see the vw in the yard I drove back to the accident,unfortunatly it was his VW they had taken him to the hsopital the cop there said if they knew he was retired af…

I was in walmart and shopping,I was taken with a spell of depression in other words took me over uuncontrolable I fought it back.You think you can handle a loss but its not that easy.So here Iam in a empty house.Its ironic,because she never stayed home that much.So I spent part of the morning planting  a fruit tree she bought, trying to figure out where to plant the other ones.

My stepson doesn,t call but bless his heart he paid for some temple visits to honor his mother.I had a good…

She always took care of everthing. Somethings she did were financially bad.I knew better to go up Aginst her.So she ran into a brick wall.The hospital always fixed things. We were all niave on what was going on.She was a dialysis patient so going in for major medical surgery did not go well.

So now Iam doing it alone Will lt ever come together ,I suppose it will. I suffer bouts of depression ,Iam sure everyone does that looses a loved one In my life she was always off…

Iam so tired. I need to cut back on the drink I have everyday. When she was alive their was this sick scenero where she would out of the blue throw me out. I used or use alcohol as a crutch. I have never dealt with the problem of her vindicative ,revengful mood swings accept to accept my fate and drive around with my clothes in the car untile she felt better. She was always making irational decisons and then backing out.Like buying new homes ,maby she sensed my subconscious feelngs about not…

Go home tonight ,pour myself a drink (vodka) watch some TV go online and go to sleep. Tommorow I go with my stepson to a buddist temple (hes american but honoring his mother thru a buddist cermony) we go 7 sundays in a row. Buddist cermonies are tedious(no disrepect) I like a lot that goes on thou.

I need to plant some trees she got . hang some of her clothes in the closet shoes by the door.I was thinking I would toss everyhting or give to goodwill(which I will )but you know…

Its like you have to keep going and going and going. There is no stopping no time for meditation,no time to be alone collect your thoughts.What a horrible thing for me to see my wife die because I said pull the breahting tube out. In your mind the doctors and nurses are lying about her condition.I really should be punished ,would that be more misery. I stuck by this woman who really at times ran be through the bowels of hell. Oh I craved the good times as they were .I never had structure…