I ask everyday why he took my baby, my only child. no one comes around anymore, I feel so empty . even my sisters don't come around, I asked them to go with me to see shawns stone, but nope. I get so mad at people with kids,  it hurts to see others happy. I forget how to laugh and smile. why am I here anymore, why does shawn not come to take me with him? I want to go. its like being in a dark small room, and im screaming for my shawn to come, screaming to stop my pain. hes my life my love my…

Your Eyes

What a beautiful view I had in November!

It was blue as the clear sky and…

my darling son shawn, I miss you more then words can say. life without you is no life. my heart is so broken, I talk to you everyday every min, but you don't answer me, I keep asking why did you leave me ? I feel alone, empty, I love you so very much, you are my life. I can see your face and I die all over again. I cant stop crying, dear god I need you, I beg you to take me with you,  please don't leave me here,i want so bad to hold you touch you and kiss you, one more time. you are my world…

I think everyday about my Mom. This is the month she was born on the 22nd. The is her first birthday that I will not be a part of with her because she left me. I try hard everyday to be positive but some days I fail. As her day gets nearer I find myself becoming moody and depressed. I have to keep it together because I am wife and mom and they all depend on me for just about everything! There have been many of times where I have thought about walking away but then I realize how upset my Mom…

today I went to sit  by my son, I poored my heart out to him, I told him thank you for sending me bunnies everyday, I know hes with me. as I was crying I turned  and there was a bunnie beside me. I cryed so hard, I know it was his way of saying im here mom. god I love him so much and miss him deeply.  tomorrow  it will be 32 years since my mom left. I remember it like it was yesterday. tears tears tears I know   my moms looking after my shawn, my two angels. I hurt so bad.  I just want to go…

I didn't realize just how angry I still am until today. My husband and I went to breakfast this morning as we do every Sunday. I was watching his face and the his facial expression changed. I know when this happens he's thinking about something that's bothering him. As I always do I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was thinking about when the boys were still alive. We started talking about all the terrible things that happened after Lil Del died. Then it all came flashing back. I…

yesterday my sis came to see my garden for my son shawn, it only took her a month. she said its very nice and walked away,  that reall hurt. I did it for my baby and I know he loves it . family can be so cold  

I just got back from seeing my son, they just finished putting his stone in, omg the pain I feel, my heart just cant take any more. I dropped to my knees and cryed so hard,  it was such a shock again. dear god how much more are you going to hurt me. I need shawn so bad, how can I go on, I just cant anymore .

You know, miracles really are everywhere. My husband's aunt, whom I love dearly, was with us when my father in law passed. She's the oldest sister. He's the 2nd sibling she has lost. My father in law LOVES this book, and couldn't stop raving about it. Patty found it, it was the only one on the shelf and it jumped into her hands, she swears she barely reached for it. Anyway, she sent it to me now, maybe knowing how lost I feel right now.  And it's working. It's a pretty awesome…

God has you in his arms....I have you in my heart <3

Last night was the first time I slept decent since you passed. I haven't been able to sleep because my brain replays the morning of your death over and over. Every detail of that morning remains tattooed on my brain. The smell, sound, taste, down to every detail of you and everyone in your room. I cant…

Well here is how fast this fall happened. 

Today was a great day! I told you. Just before. In the post JUST BEFORE this. Then my friend asked if I could go to the grocery store for her. I do NOT have panic attacks, but since all this loss, I FREAK OUT in there. It's stupid, but i leave in tears every time. And i usually never get everything i needed, because at some point i just have to GET THE HELL OUT AND AWAY. But I'm trying, right? I am nothing if not trying, so I said…

I think I felt my soul expand to make room for the mad and sad. Because I feel BETTER but not because of a lack of mad and sad. I feel better because I think...I expanded. I can feel joy much better now.  I mean, I have not had to try so hard to LIVE in such a very long time. I am doing everything RIGHT, I am being outside and barefoot as much as possible, I am eating well and drinking my favorite tea and taking epsom salt baths and chanting NICE things in my head like I AM LOVE instead of…

Plato once said that humans are like people stuck in a cave looking at shadows on a wall believing  the shadows are real, but they're just things getting in front of the light.

When you lose a child you become so sad, and full of pain that you become afraid of the light so you go into the dark. I was so afraid of the light after my little boy was killed that I didn't want anything to do with the light. I was so afraid of what would happen if I let the light in. I lived in darkness for…

The Parable of the Snowflake



Once upon a time there was a snowflake. It’s name was Sara. Sara the Snowflake had a brother named Sam. Sam the Snowflake.



Sara and Sam both lived a good life—but they feared for the day that they would die, melting away into the nothingness. Then one day the Snow Angel appeared to both of them. “A snowflake is eternal. Did you know that?” the Angel said, and then the Angel explained:



“The…

Mango Tree

Swaying in the wind on a mango tree!

Running in the fields to fill their needs

two…