today was the first time since my wife passed that I really felt her being gone .Of course it has been such a short time since since her untimely departure I still feel her presence. I hate those flashbacks.I just happend to be looking at some old video. clips of the grandkids and heard her voice in the background.Saw her go in the kitchen a view of her back.I turned off the video Iam 65 I cann,t see making it to 70 whats the use.I mean you…

I thought I was finally starting to come around again. I guess I was - and I guess I am - and yet grief pops up and blindsides us from time to time, doesn't it?

A couple of Hollister's friends have been helping me with things I can't do around the house. They're challenging friends, these 'bequests' of his. Both are dirt poor and have drug histories (one probably is still using; the other, well, the jury's still out). Right now, I'm coming up on a trip to my Dad's to help with…

I was never really lonely with her although when she was out and about I cherished moments by myself I start remebering the good times early in the marriage.Although thru the whole time I was married the burden of her "revengful temper' was always on my back.Ugh

Iam not sure how lifes would have turned out. There was more than one time I was drinking and driving after she laid into me.Anyway she was my rock.Alhtough she made some terrible financial errors. We never did plan for the…

well before it was pretty predictable.She would go out to do what she does (nothing bad) I would enjoy those moments. The die had pretty well been cast for a long time for us. I wonder if it would be different if I paid attention to her health.Its hard to say she went on dialysis in 2008 .We got married in1977.So there must have been a time where her kidneys started to fail. Did she ever pay attention to her health or maby I should have. I don,t know.I guess there things you have no control…

I was in chat with someone tonight and the conversation started me thinking about my anger.  I have let go of that and once again didnt even recognize it had happened.  The past few weeks have really been so much calmer and I just took it for granted and didnt give it much thought until today.  I no longer feel gut twisting anger at the doctor who prescribed so much pain medicine to my son he could no longer speak clearly and one night he just stopped breathing and was gone in the morning. …

When we lose those we love,

You must understand

That it takes time

To learn to feel again –

For nothing

Can touch the heart

Which is frozen with grief.

~   Unknown

When we lose those we love,

You must understand

That it takes time

To learn to feel again –

For nothing

Can touch the heart

Which is frozen with grief.

~   Unknown

I wish so bad you were here with me! Its been so hard being alone and dealing with life by myself. Meagan gets married in less than 2 weeks and you are suppose to be here to share this special day with her. She loved you so much and misses you too. I know you want us to be happy but its so hard. I talked to your baby girl on your birthday and yesterday.... father's day. She loves you and misses you so very much!! We have all tried to be here for each other. I found a grief support group that…

We must always remember that every person’s situation is different, and every person’s unique experience and personality plays a role in their grief.

There’s no time limit for “getting over it,” and “moving on.” I’m still amazed at how prevalent this view is in society, and also how limiting and damaging it is for those who need to mourn in order to heal and create a new life out of their experience of loss.

To quote from Mary Oliver’s “The Uses of Sorrow,” as I’ve done before…

yesterday woz hard coz u wernt thr for me to spoll u with sweats cakes or any sweet stuf it woz hard seang the cards in the shops with dad on and sum of thm cards wer nise espely the funny 1s u wood of liket even the 1s with long pmes in u wood of liket or sum of the balled songs u hear on the radio ithnk dad wood of liket tht 

I never thought I'd be at this point in my life where I'd actually say I don't think I can take the void much longer.  Your loss and all that has happened really is too much.  It's too final.   This was my biggest fear.  Every horrific nightmare that a person could hope would never happen has happened in less than a year. 

Four days ago for the first time I realized in complete clarity I will never see or speak to you again.  EVER.  It's now been 6 months since the moment I…

Of course I try to put the loss of her out of my head but the loss and its memories keep poping up.Memories you cannot control Some memories especially when I allowed the life support to be taken away are very vivid.Very bad. I was told once by a psycho therpist that I have a great resilency.

So I go to the urologist Thursday,he discusses my PSA blood (every three month) I had prostate cancer ,it was taken out.The check is made to see if your cancer is coming back . You dread a high…

i hope u ar having a good fathers day wer u r i bet u r bean like a surgate dad to the kids up thr telling thm storys from funy storys and gost storys i bet u r teaching thm thngs lik u did wen i woz a kid teacher fort i woz a waster end up no good till i got tested for dislexia but it woz to late by the tim i woz dignozed but u never fort i woz a waaster or end up in the gutter 1 teacher saw good me tht i woz good at art and fotograry like u wer good at art and fortogry u wer good at art i…

even though our marriage wasn,t perfect and psychogically and emotionly we both suffered through negative mental crap we existed in somewhat of a happy state of mind. You never expect someones life to drastically change in a space of three weeks(maby four).After all she had heart problems and the hosp would always fix her . Whats odd she had a cardiac arrest(cpr) and She or me didn,t really place alot of thought on and apparently the bubbling…

I had a feeling this weekend was going to be a tough one to get through.All week long my emotions and feeling were totally foreign to me,almost like an alien was taking me over.Nothing major planned today but the alien started up in the morning,it was  like getting hit with a sledgehammer in the chest.I hadn't been this sad and depressed in a while.I get my composure together to go to the store to  buy some pool supplies as i'm waiting to get the water checked Mike the owner comes over to…

tomoro is gonig to ne hard the 1st fathers day with out u seaning cards in the shops and sweets with dad on and cakes with dad on as bean geting to me all day like a lot of other people it will be geting thm like dads who hav lost kids itl be geting to thm 2if u wer hear today i wood of bort u sweets cake or a si fi dvd or a box set of smalvill or the mentlist i no i bort the last harry potter film befor u went haven got the guts to put it on yet i no we saw the last 6 together we did i…

I wonder what I truly remember after all the times I reminisce.

Could it be true memories,

Or just skewed visions amiss?

Sometimes I remember swinging in the back yard,

kicking my legs up all the way to the sky;

You'd be right there next to me,

smiling, soaring past heavens guards.

Sometimes I think,

this pretty time-captured moment

should have been a big little hint;

Like one of those badly added…

I saw a post somewhere where the surviving spouse got rid of all departed belongings or at least stored it. I more or less incline to do that but at the samed time continue the legacy of the departed.Of course who the hell would remember me. Yes I want to change things at home. I have 35 yrs of memories  Stuff to sort thru stuff to put in a scape book.Stuff to throw away.I get ideas as I go along.…

the 2 times we went to the semtery i hav wote aletter last time on 2 ballons like the 1st 1 popet in the ground the 2 nd 1 popet in the air today i wote on 4 ballons1 i wote happy fathers day dad and the other 3 were leters but the green 1 traveld to 10 hed stones before it burst i dont no if it is u playing jokes on us still in heven or wot i bet my nan is still drinking any sprit strate and smoking all sorts i bet stevo my cuzen yore nefew my surgtat bruv is making u laf like u made evry 1…