A client and dear friend visited me at the salon last week. We're talking and sharing stories of our fathers and what they meant to us.. as I'm walking home from work, I feel this weird sensation. It takes me awhile to figure it out.  Finally I realize; that it's happiness. I feel happy. I don't know why. No rhyme or reason.  But I feel like I'm flying, it feels so good. Then I realize it's been sooo very long since I felt that.…

I'm fine with going through whatever I have to go through. I almost don't mind the pain and sadness because I'm thinking of my father and how much I miss him. But what I can't get through is how everything changes, in as little as a day, an hour, a minute.

One day, I'm looking at his photo and I love it.. brings me comfort..his smile makes me smile.

The next day, the exact same photo and I'm in so much pain looking at it that I can't bare to look at…

Find it weird, but I do not want to forget a single second of the past horrible 2 months. Not to be morbid or twisted, but I just don't want to forget. Took me awhile to figure out why. It's because every thing that had happened will be a last. My daddy's last smile, the last time he looked at me, the last time we talked, the last time we said i love you to each other. The last time I saw his face light up when I walked in the hospital room. The last time he squeezed my hand when he couldn't…

Everyone tells me that the worse of things is over. And in a way they're right. The constant roller coaster ride of the hospital is over. The never ending journey of hopes; then despair.  Sometimes it's daily, sometimes it's hourly.  Now, it's done. I go home and drink as much as i can. Not to get drunk, but to just sleep. To finally sleep.  And I do. the next morning; I see you daddy standing next to my bed, watching me.  Out of the corner of my eye. You're here. I turn to see you and then…

I again, have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there is nothing they can do.  I bring your best friend with me because I know that i will not hear everything they say. I know it is time. Your friend tells me that when you go I do not have to be there. I do not have to be there when you die.  I'm furious that you would even think that. That I would let my father die alone, with no one there breaks my heart.  I have made sure that his wife sees him everyday, that he has his wedding ring on…

Every time a hummingbird came into the backyard, you would always tell us to look. How you loved to feed them, and see them sit on the hummingbird feeder.  The feeder is dry and dusty now. Don't know how long it's been since you've filled it up.  Don't know how long it's been since the last time you saw one.

I have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there's nothing else they can do.  All the fluid is gone from your lungs, but you're still not breathing.  Every day you…

On February 25th, at 2:25 I lost my father.  And in the same week, I realized that I also lost my mother.  I realized through disbelief, that she no longer knows who I am.  I am no longer her little girl, her daughter, her Pumpkin.  In shock, I asked her if she thought I was related to her. She said no.  Her Alzsheimers has finally taken her away from me. I never thought this day would come.  She looks at me and smiles like she always does.  But then I realize, she looks that way at…

Everything seems fine until I get a call from the social worker saying that you told her that you want to be put in a home with Mommy.  I'm in total shock. For the past week I've been looking for in home care for you and Mommy; someone to help you take care of her.  To run errands for you. So you don't have to do so much work.  She tells me that they won't release you until I find a rehab place for you.  For the past week I've been taking care of Mommy. Dressing her, feeding her, figuring…

As I rush into your hospital room, I see you look at me and your face lights up. It's at that moment when I realize that your face always lights up when you see me. How haven't I noticed this before? You're shocked and surprised that I'm there. Of course I would be. Where else would I be? Mom's sleeping in the room, someone there looking over her. I tell you not to worry, I'll look after mom for you.  Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine.

Thankfully you remember…

Waiting to get off the plane, my cell rings. It's a dear friend in NY calling to see if everything's ok.  As I tell her all I don't know, I break down.  I don't know how my dad is, or my mom.  I'm worried about the $1000 I just spent that I don't have trying to fly here. And I'm worried about how I'm going to get back to the new business I just barely opened less than a month ago.  As I cry into my cell, the woman that has been sitting next to me on the plane, and hasn't spoken one word,…

It's 11 pm, on a Saturday.  I got a call from the neighbor that you are in the hospital.  He found you by the front door, fallen into the planter and couldn't get up.  You were there for 3 days.  Newspapers piling up on the driveway alerted him that something was wrong.  He looked in the front door window and saw you.  Took 20 minutes for him and the paramedics to break into the house to get to you.  I called the hospital and they wouldn't tell me a thing thanks to these stupid privacy laws,…