I talked to my sister this afternoon.  I told her I was missing my wife and feeling very lonely.  Her response was a pep talk and how I would find someone again.  All that just reinforced the finality of my wife being gone.  

So tonight instead of the evening calmness, I have anxiety.  My mind is not clear.  I guess it's the realization of never having my wife back, combined with the fear of never feeling the intimate closeness that I took for granted too much of the time.  My…

I woke up today with less anxiety, but it is only supplanted with the deep longing for my wife.  She was almost always happy in the morning, I long to see her smile at me again when I wake up, and I never will.  Anything and everything triggers the longing.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of her.  I am 53 years old, I met my wife when I was 22, we were together for 31 years, how can the void be healed? 

Perhaps the reason mornings are so rough for me is…

Today was a day, my back issues were bothering me for a lot of the day (diagnosed with herniated disc), so I basically put up with the discomfort until it resolves, it could be months or role the dice and go under the knife.  Right now I really want to avoid surgery.

I also met with my contractor regarding home repairs, he did not feel the house issues were as severe as I thought so that is one good thing.  But, he can't do the work until August.

I also…

I don't understand this, how is it that I can wake up and before any thoughts really go through my mind, I feel anxiety.  It is truly baffling why that occurs.  

Last night I could not fall asleep, that's the first time since my wife passed away that I have had that issue.  By the time I go to bed I am usually mentally exhausted and go right to sleep, but not last night.  I tossed and turned until 2 am then finally fell asleep.  

I have been reading self help…

Evening again, and again feeling relatively calm, still sad, just calm. 

I was listening to Howard Stern interviewing Robert Downy Jr. this morning.  Robert was talking about how people come into and out of our lives, it struck a cord.  

I need to learn to control my thoughts better, the reality I have created in my head is not a good place to have to dwell.  Too much worrying.

I know I can get through this, I know I have worth, I know the world…

Another day begins, ugh.

Today's itinerary:

1) Open eyes and realize the nightmare continues

2) Anxiety builds as I think of what I have to do and know the level of loneliness I will feel.

3) Plan tasks to fill meaningless day

4) Do tasks like an automaton, while mind lives in past replaying what I should have done or said.

5) Suffer, suffer, and suffer some more

6) Hope for some calmness…

I completely freaked out about an hour ago, I was at the airport waiting to catch my flight.  

The health problem i thought was resolving came back in full force.  I forgot to take the prescription anti-inflammatory yesterday and today, then to top it all I forgot to pack them for my trip.  I had committed go back to work and they way I felt at the airport made me bail out on going back to work.  I have never used so much sick leave in my life, fortunately I have a lot of sick…

I didn't write anything yesterday, so this is two days worth.  

Yesterday an antique dealer come over to pick over my wife things.  It was a miserable experience, strangers in my home offering pennies on the dollar of things my wife valued.  I had to walk away several times to regain my composure.  But it has to be done, my wife had too, too many things and I can not live with the clutter and all the reminders.

My sister was there with me and after they left we…

Not a dark post, suitable for all viewers.

I was down most of the day and evening.  It was finally around 10:30 pm starting feeling normal. What a welcome reprieve.  I talked with my sister, that helped some, then heard from an old friend, that I have not talked to in a good while, made me feel good, yes actually good.  

For me, the farther on this road I travel, the more it comes down to human interaction.  

I apologize for such a negative post…

This is a dark and negative post, nothing positive, read it at your own risk.

Anxiety.

It's back, and it sucks.  I worry about my son a lot. He is mentally challenged and this morning those worries combined with everything else, have me wanting to jump out of my skin.  I try to meditate to clear my mind, it's not working.  I want to curl up in bed with my wife, and that is gone forever.  I want to discuss my sons issues with her, never again.  I want her to tell…

Each day things change.  

My biggest problem recently was the anxiety.  Today not so much, today it was deep longing for my wife and terrible loneliness.  That was combined with my sister coming over to help go through my wife's things and I was a mess.  Not much I could do to prevent getting upset, just too many triggers.  My sister did her best to get me out of my funk but it did little good, I think it was something I just had to get through.  Now I'm not too bad, maybe…

The following post is not meant to offend anyone, I respect everyone's personal beliefs, these just happen to be mine.  Please don't take offense, that is not my purpose.

The conundrum of how the level of grief that I and many of us here feel relates to any evolutionary purpose has been on my mind.   Homo Sapiens have been around about 200,000 years, of that time period the vast majority was spent in the paleolithic era, where humans lived in small groups subsisting by hunting…

Well I slept better last night, so that's something. 

I have contemplated on why mornings are so difficult for me.  My wife was a morning person, almost always waking in a good mood, and I am not.  So she was my sunshine in the morning, I miss that, probably why it hurts so much during that time.

I have things to do today so maybe keeping busy will help me get through the day a little better.  I will still try to battle the thought loops that plague me.

Not having the usual evening calm, tonight it's anxiety.  I never had an issue with this in my life before my wife passed away.  I don't like how it is become a more prevalent feeling.   It's debilitating.

I am still in denial.  How such a good day went so bad, how so many little things would probably changed the outcome, can't come to terms with what happened.  I will never understand the alcohol addiction, putting alcohol before your own welfare and that of your…

It feels like I am playing some kind of war game with my grief, measure vs counter-measure.  What seemed to help and get me out of the loops in my head yesterday are ineffective today.   So today has not been good.

I dreamt of my wife last night, seemed very real, we were sitting and I told her, "I'm sorry" and she said, "It's Ok", and reached to me and I woke.  I think I was apologizing for not be able to save her.

Perhaps I should write more, hence that's why…

As the quote many times attributed to Einstein goes, "The definition of insanity is repeating the same experiment over and over and expecting different results."

So after having a terrible day yesterday and starting to feel like I would end up locked in a padded room, I tried different things today.

First thing I did, was actively fighting the looping tapes that play in my head, each time they would start, I would tell myself to stop, mentally forcing myself to…

Mornings not getting easier.

Remembering the night my wife died,  she felt no pain but has imposed this horrendous agony on my son and I.  Anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger, bewilderment, loss of hope, future only looks empty.  I know I felt Ok last night for a while, but seems impossible now.

Feeling normal lasted about 3 hours, back down now.  

Feeling Ok at the present time.  

I spent about 5 hours working outside in my yard today.  I had been putting it off, simple tasks seem very difficult now.  However once I got started it was Ok, I spent a lot of time spinning "What If" scenarios in my head, but at some point, I was able to rationalize the pointlessness of me doing it.

The work I did was hard, I think that helped, most physical thing I have done since my wife passed.  As well as a sense of…

I woke up with anxiety this morning.  It has to be the worst raw emotion when couple with grief, guilt, and loneliness.

It's been a little over five weeks, yet people talk about feeling less emotionally crippled in months and years.  That scares me thinking I am so early on in this process.  The night of my wife's passing is still raw and fresh in my head like it happened yesterday, but the pain I have felt since seems like it has been going on for an eternity.