Evenings are generally easier for me,  tonight, oddly, no exception.  I wonder if I really do just emotionally exhaust myself by this time and become numb.  

My thoughts of my wife seem to be restrained, my mind can go other places right now.  I need to learn feel this way more of the day.

I was quite a mess until I spoke with the therapist today.  It was just a conversation, I did most of the talking, yet that was the turning point of the day.  After that much…

This has been by far the hardest month. There are days when I think how am I going to get through this and then I have the better days where I only cry in the shower or I cry myself to sleep. I was so terrified of April 12 coming up because it would be one month since Nick has been gone. I kept as busy as possible but it was still at my mind all day. At one point I even thought I saw…

All the "what if's" that play in my head, all focus on some small event that could have changed the tragic outcome of one month ago.  It's hard not to consider fate to be real. 

I have a health issue that has developed over the last two months.  Back problems causing increasing numbness and discomfort in both legs.  My wife was a nurse and always seemed to be fulfilled by helping me or my son.  This mornings "what if" is, I wonder, if my issues had been this significant one…

How long will it be until I wake and actually look forward to the day?  Instead of thinking, "not again."

I changed my profile picture.  It had been one of my wife and I when we were young and passionately in love.  But every time I looked at it I hurt.  So now it is just a black void, more reflective of how I feel.

I don't know if writing these things helps or hurts. Perhaps I should only write positive affirmations, you know the things we've all heard with our…

It has been a little over a year since my dad passed. Some days it still feels like it happened yesterday.  I miss him so much, the pain is still there everyday. Some day I hope to  be able to think of him & not cry, instead to be able to smile & be grateful that I was fortunate enough to have such a wonderful & loving father for as long as I did. 

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*                             Alone in the prison of…

This morning I tried scream therapy.  I went out into my detached garage before my son woke and let out everything.  I thought it might help, it didn't. 

I spoke with my sister on the phone for about an hour and a half, that usually helps, but not today.

Went for a long walk with my son in the park, under blue skies, felt a little less bad.  I guess that's something.

Took my son to a bakery we both like and bought few cookies took them to…

I slept almost 8 hours last night, that's the most since my wife died.  I just used the word "died" I have been avoiding it, instead usually choosing something else.  I guess other words don't define the finality of the event in my mind as much as the word "died".  

Last night for several hours, I did not feel too bad and attributed it to letting everything out in my car.  That may not have been the cause.  The second doctor I saw gave me some "Lyrica" to help with the…

It has been a day.  The morning was very difficult. I woke up to once again face the reality of my wife being gone but also have had leg numbness and pain of various levels for last 2 months. 

Long story short saw 2 doctors today both recommended I see a neurosurgeon.  That has scared me. Along with triggering how much I missed my wife, she was a nurse so I always had a trusted medical professional to rely on.  I now wonder what next?

After leaving the second…

You had my Heart from the moment I held you in my arms . You'll always have my heart although it's broken now. I haven't dreamt of you in a long time and even though I never forgot that one particular dream where you showed me where you live now. it's .just . not. enough.          You're forever in my thoughts and heart and even now , it's still hard to fathom you're not coming back to me.

I was driving the kids to school today and they were looking at a Guinness world records book I had in my car. Its an old one from 2003. My daughter asked me "Mom is that Nick's book" and I responded "No why" she said "Well because on the inside it say's Happy Birthday Nick" I couldn't believe it. This was just a random book that I bought at the thrift store after Nick passed away that…

Oh shit, another day in this horrible reality.

My therapist says I have complicated grief.  Here's  one of the reasons.  Since my wife died my son has told me many disturbing things.  My son is 19 and mentally challenged.

He confessed to me that for close to the last 2 years my wife has been drinking.  Not only drinking but allowing my son to drink with her.  And it progressed, it started with beer, then smoking cigarettes and cigars, then adding hard liqueur,  and most recently they started smoking marijuana.…

My little brother, I miss you so much, I wish you were here with me again, it hurts all the time, I don't know what to do, I'm so lost without you please help me find my way.

 I always think of the things that you will miss like if I ever get married or if I have children all I want to do is see your smiling face and tell you that I love you.

 You are my best friend the only one I had to talk to about anything and everything it hurts that my only…

please shawn help me, I need to feel you . to know im not alone. to have a   stranger break into our home while I slept, and he took away   my laptop, my thoughts, my beautiful pictures of  you,  why, and how could  someone  take away what I had left? please show me you are here , holding me. my tears wont stop, but I wish  my heart would. im so afraid . you are the love of my life, my son my baby.  I pray  I get the computer back, but I know in my heart its gone forever. help me shawn …

4/8/15: Today is 4 weeks that Nick was found and that he has been gone. I have been begging him to come to one of my dreams so I could see him. It hasn't happened. I dream things about Nick but not OF Nick himself. I know that Nick was very shy. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. But I know that he has been sending me signs in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was looking through pictures and they were all of Nick. Pictures I had never seen before. I could see your…

So yesterday I got my wifes toxicology report and it confirmed my suspicions.  Based on the level of oxymorphone/Opana in her blood she was probably beyond being saved.  Last night I thought about it and guilt for mistaking her for being drunk and nothing else has subsided (at least for now ).  However it has been replaced in my head with conversations I wish I had had that night with her.  The "what if" game as I call it, would a single word have changed the outcome?  I get stuck in looping…

April 7, 2015: I had decided to put Nick's necklace on my rearview mirror as my daughter suggested so he would always be with me. Before that I had been wearing it. Its once of those necklaces that you have to screw on and screw off when you put it on or take it off. On the morning of April 7 the necklace fell from my mirror in my car. I figured it had just unhooked so it had fallen off. When I picked it up it was still hooked together. The necklace is kinda small so it has to be unscrewed…

My wife passed away on March 13.  

We met on December 3, 1983.  She was my true love.  I feel all of the emotions described by many others on this site.  I think the worst is the deep, engulfing loneliness and feelings of abandonment.  

The first 20 years of our marriage although not perfect were wonderful.  I wanted her with me every minute.  I travel with my job and no matter where I was in the world it all seemed to be in black and white, she truly did,…

last night when we were sleeping someone broke in stole my lap top. every pic of my son, every e mail he sent me.  god how much more, I feel so violated. he took my memorys.