My parents were in a Managed Care Program where they went to a program during the day and their medical care was included.  The patient bill of rights stated that they were still to be given the proper specialist and emergency care.  

My dad suffered a stroke on March 22, 2011.  He was taken to the ER and the doctor from the above program immediately called me (before I could even make it to the hospital!) and told me that he was going to be transferred to a nursing home so…

For the past 11 months, I have been avoiding all that reminds me of my "new" reality. Avoiding, outings, family reunions, friends, events etc. Because that reality check up, hurts to much, creates anxiety, loneliness, frustration, anger, hate, you name it. The reality that I cannot change, the reality that my husband or daddy are no longer here with me.

However, there are times that I cannot control reality from punching me in the stomach. obstacles that trigger reality without me…

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

March 27, 1946, you were born in Clarksville, Tennessee. You started life thinking your father was dead. In 1957, when he showed up and you answered the door, he told you he was your daddy. You replied, "My daddy's dead." Funny - I was born in Ohio in 1957 and that was the year you moved here. I was born a couple months after you arrived in Ohio.

You would have turned 66 tomorrow. Once upon a time, I would have thought you'd be old at that age. Now, I know you were still…

I dont remember any of my grandparents.  My dad died when I was 9.  He had been sick as long as I can remember.  I still had my mom and older brothers and sisters who took care of me.  I missed my dad, I still miss my dad and wish I had known him better.  Then when I was in my late 20s my mom died.  She had been my only parent for so long I was soo not ready to let her go.  But she did.  If I hadnt had my husband for support Im not sure how I would have gotten through that time in my life. …

I wasn't familiar with that phrase until I met Hollister. He told me, of his sister, "she's my heart." It made sense and, still, it didn't sink in all the way. I could tell why he said that - she was real and vibrant and, even in disability and declining health, more vital than most people could handle.

Tutti was larger than life. So was her brother Hollister. She gave Hollister a real surprise - she liked me. He told me that she'd never liked any woman in his life before me.…

Baby girl,

Mum and Dad came to visit for a few days recently. I finished work, dragged my butt into the shower and then made my way over to see them. Dad was asleep on the couch and mum looked beautiful. She had just had a haircut and she looked so much like you in the light she was sitting in. I didn't want to walk in. I kissed her and she smiled and hugged me. Then I went to dad and kissed him on his forehead. Sis, you know dad right? He was never somebody anybody could…

I can't seem to accept the fact that my daughter, Heather is gone.  She was so full of life and spirit and CF sucked it out of her.  She wasn't ready to leave this world.  She asked me when she was coming home.  I have dreams of her dying over and over again, of being sick.   She came to me last night and asked me what happened.  I had to tell her she died in my arms.  I woke up with such sickness and confusion.......anguish just so hard to bear.

It will be three years this year.  She…

Mandy,

The strangest urge to want to hold your things close to me. To surround myself with all of your stuff. I'm sitting here at work and Thank God I'm alone otherwise people would think I'd lost it for sure. I was laughing to myself...not just normal laughing but the cracked up...tears start flowing kind of laughter. The kind you and I used to share. I was thinking about the way you'd be howling with laughter if you could see what I planned to do when I have a moment to…

My sister and I could talk a mile a minute or we could enjoy complete quiet by reading books together, all was done in companionship. Like the fit of an old bedroom slipper that you will never throw away because it just feels so you! When we didn't have anything to talk about we re-lived our teenage years and laughed until we cried. Our favorite past time was hiring a couple of comedies from the local video store, buying a whole bunch of junk food that we knew we were NOT going to just…

Since my son, Jeremy died from a drug overdose in 2009 on Thanksgiving Day, his daughter does not say his name and doesn't remark when I talk about him.  I don't know if she is afraid of upsetting me or herself but I want to share with her the good memories I have of her Daddy.  She is only twelve so perhaps the funeral was so traumatic that it makes her sad to talk about her daddy....I don't know what to do if anything.

This afternoon, I'm having company. It's the first time I've tried this since Hollister passed in December. Truthfully, the house has been a disaster, so I've been working on cleaning it up as well as getting ready with food, etc.

Well, the hot water tank has quit working. Yesterday, the water had a bit of a tinge o heat. Today, nada. A large bowl I'd been planning to use just broke from water heated on the stove. Yahoo. Happy St. Patty's Day - wasn't the infamous Murphy of…

The mention of your name, the vision of your face, the thought of your embrace, I thank God I still have those moments when I can hear you call my name. You were my breath, my life, and my soul. I know it is selfish, I know it is not fair to those still around me but I find most times how it is that I can still breathe? Will my heartache ever feel relief? Will it ever go away? All these things bring me, is the reality that you are no longer by my side. I know you look down on me from up in…

I've got to move on . . . just a little. St. Patrick's Day is Saturday. I got cornered on Facebook and invited one person, who was Hollister's protege, and invited her to come to the house. Now, I've invited my sister, a friend of Hollister's, and his nephew and his family. I think that's enough.

It's not really a 'traditional' St. Patty's Day celebration. I'll be cooking on the grill - ribs are on the menu. Hollister loved when I grilled and we had people over to our house.…

I HOPE THAT EVERYONE IS DOING GOOD.  ITS GETTING TO ROUGH IN MY DOING EVERYTHING BY MYSELF.   MY CHILDREN SOMETIMES DO NOT CALL ME FOR A WEEK.   WITHOUT MY WIFE ITS BECOMING VERY HARD TO HANDLE.  WRITING NEW POEMS IS HELPING ME SOMEWHAT BUT MY DEEP DEPRESSION IS GETTING THE BETTER OF ME.   I TRULY NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD.  I THINK OF MY WIFE ALL DAY.   HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYONE.

LOVE TO ALL IRWIN

i am livid  i have lost two sons to traumatic sudden deaths.  yesterday  some one called them my dead kid.  i am so angry over it.  was a coworker at one time  i am a cna, caregiver,etc. told me about a place that needed help.  long story short the job and I are not compatable. Than the person who hired me pulled me from the job that was ok. what really ticked me off is when the coworker called me.  I talked to much about my dead kid. i am having alot of anger issues.   Friday my oldest son…

The other day was a bad day at work and I ended up crying in the office bathroom, longing to just talk to my parents and gran (i called her ouma) one more time.  I heard a car stop outside the office and I imagined it was them coming to fetch me for the day.  I tried to imagine what it would be like if God let my parents leave heaven and come visit me one day, just to tell me things will be okay and that they love me and are looking down at me from heaven.  I left the bathroom with red eyes…

Today marks two years since my mother passed on. That started a season of losses - my love's sister passing, his diagnosis with cancer, my Dad passing, and Hollister's death. Until Hollister died in December, I just kept moving. Once he passed, it's all ground to a stop.

Most of today, though, has been OK. A friend of Hollister's was on Facebook while I was and we had a good chat. I tackled the job of sorting through some of his college papers and did well with that. It wasn't…

I just got the news that my just-to-be 4 year old grandson will be moving with dad across the country from Calif., where he was born and we are from, to Connecticut to dad's hometown!  He will have 0 family there, no aunties, uncles, cousins, etc.!   I am feeling so sad and feel it is yet another Loss to cope with.  My daughter passed away frm cancer  over a year ago and my son-in-law kept promising that he would not move the grandson away, yet they will be leaving in June.  Can't see the…

How am I supposed to cope?  I struggle everyday to deal with the loss of the woman I loved.  I have been ignored and made to feel insignificant in her life by her parents, some of her friends, her University..... Everywhere I go, everything I do she is there.  There in a song.  There in a shop.  There in a beautiful sunset.  There in my home....in my car.  Everything reminds me of her.  I look at our photos.  I watch videos.  My heart hurts.  I cannot breath.  I cry....a lot.    I read so…