Sue Robinson
  • Female
  • Springfield, MO
  • United States
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About Me:
I really don't know what I'm supposed to say here. I've never been in a chat room before so I don't really know how this works. I'm 53 and was a professional in the nonprofit world for most of my adult life, climbing the ranks to CEO of a few of organizations I served. I have a masters degree in business and have always been a logical thinker. I even taught critical thinking for a university for a few years and I would lecture on the differences between logical/rational decisions versus emotional decisions and the perils of emotional decision-making. And as someone who has never been an emotional person, I thought when my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2010, I would be able to handle his passing since I had already lost both my father and one of my sister's to cancer and had gotten through those deaths ok. Besides, I was a strong person, right? I mean, I had always believed that and have always been told by others that I was one of the strongest people they knew so I thought that strength would also get me through this. But I was so wrong - losing a spouse is not the same as a parent or sibling. My husband's death in 2012 has affected me in ways I never thought possible. It's actually destroyed me. The person I was before his death is gone and now I'm this other person; a person who's existing but not actually alive if that makes any sense. People think I'm ok because that's the face I put on but the truth is I'm a mess and only function because I have to. For the past 3 years I've cared for my elderly mother and sister while working full time until earlier this year when I started exhibiting some of the symptoms of a nervous breakdown from all the stress and unresolved grief. So I quit my job and care for them full time (we all live together now) and they're the reason I continue to function. I feel so lost and lonely and confused by all these emotions. I've lived my life with reason and logic but nothing makes sense any more; I don't know how to process all these emotions or move on or go on or whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm stuck in a hell of my own making and can't find a way out. I don't have any money or insurance so medication or therapy is out so I thought I'd try this and see if any of you can help me through your experiences or if I can help you with your loss through my experiences, even if it's by you saying. "Geez, at least I'm not that woman, lol!"
About my Loss:
My husband Curt passed away 5 years ago (Nov. 3, 2012)from pancreatic cancer. We were together for 14 years. This was my first marriage, his second. We met when I was 34, married when I was 42 and I was widowed at 48. He was the one I had waited for all my life and I still can't believe or accept he's gone. By the calendar, it's been 5 years since his passing but in my heart it was the day before yesterday. I tried 2 local support groups early on - the first one I walked out of after one of the facilitators told me that I should just occupy my time with my grandchildren (I have 3 adult stepchildren and 5 grandchildren)and the other didn't do anything but ask everyone how the last 2 weeks had gone for them. I didn't want to talk about the last 2 weeks, I wanted to talk about how I was supposed to get through the next 2 weeks, how I was supposed to get through this and find a new normal or something. So here I am, 5 years in and still no better, still existing but not living. Still looking for something that helps but thinking nothing actually does. Right now I'm feeling a lot of anger - anger that he's gone, anger that I'm not living the life I thought I was going to have, anger that he's left me to grow old alone, anger that's it's been 5 years and I'm still a mess, anger at myself for feeling angry with the person I still love more than life itself. And I feel guilty for feeling this way because he didn't ask to get sick or to die. He didn't want to leave me but he did.

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Not looking forward to Christmas

It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
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