I wish I had some magical words to write here Stephanie.  Something to help you, but I don't.  Just know that you are not alone in your loss.  Maybe that doesn't help either because in reality I think we are alone even though we come here and find others in our same situation, and we seek and hope to find something that will help us.  You may not believe me, but you will have easier days.  Your loss is so new and I remember those days and wonder how I survived them, but I did.  Most days are still hard even at 13 months, but I do get lighter days.   That is my wish and prayer for all of us.  Easier days.  We will never be completely healed and I don't think I would ever want to be.  My son, Charles, was a major part of my life and he will remain with me forever.   We had our son cremated also, but I knew that was what he would have wanted as I have discussed these things with my family.  I always told them that was what I wanted and they have said what they would want also, but I never thought I would be having to make that decision for one of my children.  It's not suppose to be that way.   I am truly sorry that you have lost Johrdan.  My heart goes out to you and all of us going through this.  Sending hugs.