Hi Stacy I'm so sorry for this tremendous loss you are trying to learn to live with.  Life feels so out of control and lonely.  Fifteen months have passed without my husband and the depression, panic attacks have eased up some.  Time does not heal, but if you give yourself time to work through some stuff, be gentle with yourself, in time you will not feel as lost as you do today.  It does get easier to live.  It did for me, I sure hope it does for you too.