Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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- About Me:
- I grieve alone and in private. I was raised believing strong emotions are not something others should or want to see.
I am a writer/actor, and get relief emoting through characters. I do individual therapy but have been out of it for two years. I will only emote personally to professionals.
I am solution minded, and don't care for blessings, hope, being related to, or sympathy alone. I do not believe in souls or the afterlife. I am always seeking new perspectives and new knowledge. I am comforted by knowing every detail of what happened without sugar-coating or hesitation. I want to know exactly what happened, regardless of how painful it might be.
- About my Loss:
- Two weeks ago I got a hired at a well paying job. My position was desperately needed and hard to fill, and required a lot of attention, quick thinking, and physical work. Yesterday I could not do any of that because when I woke up that morning, I'd lost the brightest beacon of light in my life. He was the singular source of my inspiration, hope, and self-perseverance. His was the main force in all of the positive change in my life, and he was killed in less than a minute while I slept.
It is not the little, day to day things that remind me of him, but my entire outlook on life and way of thinking that I've worked so hard to build up after a long childhood of uncontrollable negativity and hatred towards who I was. He showed me I could be happy being the kind of person I felt I truly was inside. He showed me that others could find beauty and love in the kind of person I was inside, not negativity, and that that kind of person could rise above darkness and make the world a better place without a mask. He showed me how to do this by example, an example that I am still dependent on to find meaning and acceptance in who I am. Now that example is gone. He was my best friend, my hero, my motivation and inspiration. I don't remember him most when I see things, smell things, or even hear things. I remember him most when I breathe. I remember him most when I think. I remember him in the way I react to things, in the way I feel about things and think about things. I can no longer be human without becoming hysterical. My every desire, goal, and dream leads me to him. The only way I could get up and make breakfast this morning was by not thinking. With no exaggeration I spent my work day yesterday repeatedly holding my breath and chanting the word "No." in my head. My eyes hurt, my lungs hurt, and I don't know how much longer I can keep myself from breaking down while I'm at work, for the duration of my work.
I cannot function. I go from denying he's gone, to struggling to prevent myself from denying he's gone, to becoming hysterical and praying to no one to just wake up. I don't know how to be a human being without him. I don't know how to handle who I am without his example.
I don't comfort, support, or to be related to. I need to find a way to go to work without crying. I need a way to grieve while performing daily tasks. I need a way to think about him and, by extension, who I am and what kind of a person I can be without emotionally crumbling. He's the one I would've turned to to understand how to do this. He's the one who would've showed me how to come out of this without losing everything I've worked for; without losing what kind of a person I've become. I don't know where to go next. I don't know how I can continue to find myself. I was born in a turbulent sea and he was leading me someplace calm and purposeful. I don't know how to find it without him.
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