Samantha Cutler
  • Female
  • Midlothian, VA
  • United States
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About Me:
I'm an enthusiastic, caring, and positive person who is truly trying to make the best of every day. Life continues to throw curveballs, therefore it is important to enjoy moments, live life to the fullest, and love endlessly.
About my Loss:
It was the day after Valentines Day this year (2016) that I lost my mother who was driving home from work on icy roads, despite my wishes against it. Her first day back to work from vacation, a Monday too. She drove her boyfriend's truck for additional safety. Unfortunately, something occurred that resulted in her hitting a car in front of her. Cops and EMS were called to the scene. They stood in the median. My mom made one last call to her boyfriend to tell him EMS arrived and she had to go. That was the last time anyone heard her voice. A driver attempted to swerve out of the way of the cars infront of him after sliding on the ice, however hit the cop car on the other side of the road, and then pedestrians standing in the median, including a firefighter, officer, and my mom. Thankfully the firefighter, officer, and other pedestrians made a recovery from the accident. Prior to this incident, I left for Florida to console my aunt (mom's only sibling) after they lost their father to cancer at the end of January. My flight home was scheduled for 02/17/2016. It was around midnight that I was awoken by my aunt who sat on the bed, tears streaming down her eyes, and said to me the five words that continuously play back in my mind: "Sammie, your mom is dead". Shock does not truly explain the feeling I had at that moment. I immidiately called my mom's boyfriend back home, then my husband, and then my sister in TX. Needless to say no one found sleep that night.

Time has shown me the power of strength, and how over these past six months since losing my mom I still miss her with every fiber of my being, yet have the ability to not allow these emotions to control me. It does not mean I do not struggle daily to get out of bed though. We had our differences, and there were times I was so angry or frustrated at her that I wanted to pull my hair out. None of that matters now to me. I only want to get that text response back after warning her about the roads, feel her strong embrace after a long day at work, laugh loudly at everything, and sing like no one was listening. These are only a few of the strongest memories I shared with her.

I find as the closer the holidays approach, the more I re-live the night she passed. There are times I swear that I hear her voice, see something move past me that wasn't there a moment ago, and smell patchuli, her favorite scent. This was our favorite time of the year. My passion for Fall and Winter decorations came from her. She taught me that it is more enjoyable to fill your home with as many fun and decorative items that make you happy. My Christmas tree still stands fully decorated in my home. I planned to take it down after returning home from Florida in February, prior to her passing. Once I arrived home there was not much time to de-decorate the tree. Then after the days turned into months I realized that this was a part of her that I didn't want to take down. She gave me 98% of the ornaments on my tree for birthday and Christmas. The other ornaments we went to Williamsburg to purchase together.

I miss my mom each and every day. Her memory is with me inside my mind and heart. It is difficult to comprehend why I am continuously re-living the night she passed, and even more so why I feel as if I can picture her falling to the ground and taking her last breath. I was over 900 miles away at the time, yet my mind places me less than 50 feet from her that day. To all who have lost someone, my thoughts are with you. Please remember that it is not about forcing happiness, it is about not allowing sadness to win.

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Not looking forward to Christmas

It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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