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- About my Loss:
- My mother died on July 18th 2015. A rare form of throat cancer took her from my family much too soon. I'll never forget the day I got 'the call'. I live far from my family and knew my mothers health wasn't great but nothing can prepare you for "you need to come home if you want to say goodbye". I was on the first plane I could get and I made it to see her last week. I even got one good afternoon with her, she came out of her delirium for a couple of hours and we talked and laughed and hugged. Neither of us really acknowledging what was happening. Mom wanted to die at home, so that left my step father, my sister, and myself as her nurses. It was the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, I'm sure. Watching my mom become incoherent and further from herself minute by minute was heartbreaking. But I didn't have time to deal with any of it. I was overwhelmed by making sure she was comfortable, making sure she had her pills, and later on, injections on time. We all forgot to eat and to sleep, but never once forgot to fluff her pillows or braid her hair.
Her final day came and I was the one on duty. I had just given her a dose of one of her meds and saw her relax and her breathing slowed. I sat there and held her hand as she quietly took her last breath. I still have nagging guilt about just injecting her right before...I think I always will.
I was and still am devastated. My mom. She was gone. She didn't make it to my wedding day, just 6 weeks away. I wish she got to see me walk down the aisle. She would've been so happy.
I've been wishing a lot of things since she died. Life seems so much easier in retrospect. I never would've moved so far away. Or I would've called and visited more often.
But none of that matters now. Now I know I need to learn how to enjoy my life and my new husband despite this heaviness in my heart, despite crying almost everyday, despite feeling utterly alone sometimes.
I just haven't gotten there yet.
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. For 5 days Dad and I were on watch 24 hours. Like you, that was the hardest thing I have had to endure. Thanks for sharing your story- it helps to know we are not alone .