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Profile Information
- About Me:
- I am 28 years old, living in Southeastern Arkansas.
- About my Loss:
- My grandmother passed away on March 9, 2012. I was very close to my 'memaw'. I was the first male born into the family, my grandparents has three daughters, and once I was born I was memaw's boy. All through life I was right there by her side, and she by mine. After I graduated High School, I moved in with them so that I could help take care of them, I was with them just about every day through college and afterward. I had nursed her back to help after a series of bad colon surgeries, she had a horrible time walking after she lost use of her right leg, and she and I would go walking every day so that she could build up the strength in her legs. She always told me that I was more like the son that they never had, and to make a long story short in March she was admitted to the hospital because of various issues. She was doing worlds better. I did not have to help her go to the bathroom and the next day, the hospital brought in the paperwork for me to sign to authorize a pace maker to be put in. Within 3 days of me signing that paper the doctors told us that there was no hope for her to survive. We brought her home and she passed away the next afternoon. I was devastated when she passed away, I started to blame myself for signing off on her surgery because I knew that she was not strong enough to survive it, but the doctors insisted that she would tolerate it because it was an operation that would help her. Over the last six months I have now developed major depressive disorder, and I still have all day crying spells weeks on end, I carry the guilt of killing one of the few people that actually loved me, that trusted me to make the right decisions for her. She passed away in April. I had to be the strong one in the family, I had to make sure that my mom, my grandpa and my aunts had a strong person who's shoulder was available for them to cry on, but I do not have anyone who I can talk to about what is going on in my mind, someone that I can talk to about how I feel. I do not know where to turn, I can not talk to people anymore and I have fallen into an extreme form of Social Anxiety Disorder. I have wished and prayed so hard that my Lord would take me home so that this pain will be lifted from my soul so that I can be with my grandmother once again, but for some reason he will not. I do not know where to turn and I can not talk to a therapist because I can not force myself to get out of bed and listen to what they have to say. I am lost in life.
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Latest Activity
"its so hard xmas coz our loved 1s no longer with us so sorry on your loss "
Hitting me
My daughter did MAID last Tuesday and I've been holding up okay.But just now the Christmas convoy (trucks all lit up that do an organized drive through our small town) went by and suddenly I just started crying, thinking how my girl won't be around to have these small moments. And not that she would have - she wasn't a huge Christmas or celebration person. So I don't know why I'm sitting here crying about it.Oh this is going to hurt a lot :-(See More
"Paula! Are you still online? I haven’t been on this site in years and just happened to sign in today and saw your message. I wondered what happened with you! I hope you’re doing well and hope to hear from you. My email is…"
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ray, i am so terribly sorry on your loss of your grandmother. i know its easier said than done but try not to blame yourself for her demise. you did the best you could in that situation. my thoughts are with you. i lost my grandfather 2.5 years ago. i was the oldest grandchild and the only granddaughter. we were much like father and daughter. losing him just about killed me. i felt guilty because i wasn't there when he passed suddenly. i also prayed to god to take me away for the first 3 months. i don't believe in suicide and i know my grandfather would not want that for me. after a while, i knew that i can live without him but i just didn't want to. i hope that you can get to that place but in the meantime, my ear is always here
Ray, i lost my grandma in april of a stroke are stories are very much alike. if you would like to talk im here.