Rachael Nella
  • Female
  • Revere, MA
  • United States
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About Me:
I am a 21 year old college student. I am in my 2nd year of college and am trying to find my way in this world with no support and no one to lean on for advice or for anything really.
About my Loss:
My mother was my best friend. She was all I've ever had to count on, she was my rock. She died ten days into my senior year of high school. I was lost without her. I was basically left to take care of a drunk druggie step-dad. I didn't know it at the time, but when my mother died I became an orphan. I had to go through my whole senior year of high school being that "poor girl" whose mother just died. Everyone pretended they cared and were there for me for a whole week, then went back to not giving a shit. SO i went about my new daily routine. Deal with my abusive loser stepdad who got the house because my mother hadn't planned ahead to take him off the paperwork. I had to do my best to make sure nothing fell apart. Some good that did...

I spent my whole life wondering where my dad was, what he was like, what he looked like. Then a year before my mom died she found him for me. Is all i had ever heard of him my whole life was what a loser junkie convict he was. You know how it is when everyone hates someone so you only get the bad stories. SO I met him (i hadn't seen him since i was 3, so i don't remember) and everything seemed to go well. We looked, laughed and talked exactly alike. It was a dream come true....or so i thought. He was in and out of prison for the next few years. He made no real effort, didn't call me on my birthday, then got mad when i didn't call him and would be a big baby and tell me to "have a nice life" blablabla. Then finally, two years after my mom dies he finally steps up. He gets a real job and starts taking an actual interest in his daughter. We talked everyday and he would leave me voicemails when i didn't answer sayin stuff like "hey baby, give your old man a call, love yah!". He was the only person other than my mom who actually called me everyday, who actually made an effort to love and support me. For the first time in my life i could say I was close with my father. He even came to Massachusetts to spend our first Christmas together. EVER. Then, i got a call two months ago from my grandma (his mom) and said "are you with friends? Im sorry baby, your father passed away this morning." And there it all went. We had spent a whole 6 months or so being close....and he died randomly. It gets worse.

Turns out, he killed himself. And NO ONE in my family knows but me. Because I was the next of kin (the oldest) I was the only one who was able to sign for anything and talk to anyone. My younger sister thinks he had a heart attack because I didn't have the heart to tell her that Dad killed himself before she got the chance to meet him too. We all made plans to see each other this summer. Dad was so happy he was finally going to get his two daughters together, he was so proud. Seeing as how I had only found my little sister a year ago after looking for her my whole life! We didn't really get the chance to do the whole daddy daughter reunion.

Now I don't really know where to go from here. They're both really gone. And I'm only 21. What now? Who is gunna call me everyday and ask me what I'm up to? Dads not here to tell me his "charming" yet endearing convict stories and prison humor. He's not here to make me laugh with his ridiculous sayings like "I'm as full as a tick". He's not here to make me laugh with his infectious hillbilly chuckle. And Mamas not here to tell me everything will be alright. Is all i can find on Google is stories of people loosing their parents in their late twenties/thirties....what about me?

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Not looking forward to Christmas

It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
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"is griefshare a website like this?"
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