Monaleesa
  • Collingswood, NJ
  • United States
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About Me:
Just a young woman trying to cope with the guilt of letting go of my father and best friend.
About my Loss:
Pulled the plug on my father after years of telling him i would never do such a thing. He struggled with major health issues (kidney failure) for over 30 years (before i was born) I let him go in the physical even though i promised i would be his voice when he couldnt speak up for himself because I knew that the Drs would just keep cutting away at him. I knew there was no way he could recover from that kind of physical and emotional pain. I couldn't live with myself for allowing them to expreriment on him any longer... Yet its unbearable to live with myself knowing that i basically killed my father... So easily. Help. Please be kindIm struggling with tremedous guilt from pulling my father from life support after years of him telling me not to. Not only did i break his promise but I didnt even wait to see if he could pull through. Me and my father were very close. At the time i thought i was protecting him from a terrible fate. Waking up with no faculties. Missing limbs and not being able to truly experience the joys of life. Living in a cage inside a bed. My fear of hurting my father even more than he ever hurt in over 3 decades of fighting to survive is what caused me to so abruptly kill my father. This is eating me up inside in ways you could never imagine. Im having health issues like never before. Bad dreams and flashbacks of the scene of the crime. The guilt and shame is unbearable. I feel like nobody understands. My father had tears running down his face and i could not produce enough empathy in my heart 2 see if he could pull through... After years and years of him drilling in my head to never let him die. After years and years of begging him 2 allow me 2 make that choice for him to protect him from the rest of my family. He knew they would pull the plug on him and he knew i would too... And he trusted me still. I let him down. Now i do not want to kill myself... But i cannot go on living with the same guilt my own father warned me of years before. I could not remember that dreadful conversation there in the hospital when i gave the okay. I pray and pray. Ask for forgiveness from God. From the spirit of my father which I pray is with the lord just because I betrayed him. I always wonder not only would he have survived and came back stronger than ever but how could someone who loves a person soooo much do such an inhumane thing to the only man ive ever loved? I just didnt want anyone to hurt him ever again. No more needles. No more surgeries. No more pushing pulling cutting severing. No more questions. No more we dont know whys or we've done all we can. So if im a child of God. Baptised in the name of Jesus. Why does something that was done with good intentions be so crippling to my soul. So crippling to my mind body and spirit? I dont think i could ever forgive myself and honestly i feel like i dont deserve forgiveness. I feel like i dont deserve to be set free. I dont even deserve to die. I feel like i deserve to live with this pain and then some because ive done so many terrible things to the man who would have taken a bullet for me. Yet at the same time... I feel like i owe it to him to live a good life and find a way to help others before I die. So that all of this pain both his and mine wont be in vain. Please be kind and understanding. Its so hard to ask for help from a stranger
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dream moon JO B posted a blog post

Not looking forward to Christmas

It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
Dec 2
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Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
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"is griefshare a website like this?"
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