Michael, 

I wish there was something I could say to help you get through this but there isn't anything easy. I lost my husbnad of 35 years to a metastatic cancer and it was 27 days from diagnosis to death.  It does not matter if there was more time or less time up to the death of our spouse.  It leaves a mangled soul in its wake. 

Right now, this moment, I am in a place where I can write to you and tell you what you might expect but after 22 months of this I am not going to kid you about how difficult this is.  Crying will become your best outlet.  Some may cry more, some less but it is the bodys expression.  Let the tears flow.  It does not matter to me where I am or how much I cry.  Depending on the triggers it is going to happen and you need to let it.  At the one month mark I was crying in the aisles of supermarkets my face pressed up into a corner. I was crying at the Post office.  The bank.  It did not matter.  I cried and cried and cried.  You need to do the same.  People understand.  They actually try to find words of comfort.  It makes the crawling around you are doing a little less hurtful when someone tries to say a word to help.

The other thing is to not try and do too much.  Consider brushing your teeth a victory.  There are no should have’s. Eat a little here and there.  Don’t force yourself to eat “regular”. Just eat what you can when you can.  I have not been kind to myself in that respect.  I spent the first eight months or so dehydrating and starving myself.  I did not (and unfortunately not much has changed) want to live. I found not eating to be a way to deny myself.  I am not sure what I think I am denying myself other than the feeling that I don’t want to be alone and here doing things without my husband.  The aloneness is sooooo difficult.

You will probably find yourself pushing people away.  I’ve done a great job of that.  It’s not something I am proud of but I cannot confront attachment to anything or anyone.  Those who have not had to face loss of someone so special think that given enough time we move on.  I think much of the “moving on” has to do with what kind of love we experienced.  It isn’t really a competition it’s just that each of us is going to have to find something else to try to “love” …….something that helps us find a purpose.  I have not nor do I care to find anything else.  At 62 I had everything I could have wanted out of life (my husband)and I have no interest in anything or anyone else.  What I find myself doing is only based on having to make enough money to pay bills.  You need to keep paying the bills so you will have to try to do whatever work you can to do so.  That will not be easy as the ability to focus is greatly stressed as your memories will constantly be the tune playing in the background.  You will do the best you can do.  Baby steps.

Some people go on meds.  I did not but I can’t say that for some people that might not be a good option.  Might have been for me too but I am more interested in leaving not staying.  I guess overall what I am saying is don’t do as I do but be prepared that  what you are feeling is now your new “normal” and know that much of what you will struggle with are the very same things that each of us are struggling with so sites like this are going to be a lifeline at times.