Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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- About Me:
- I should probably mention that I got myself into an emotionally abusive, extremely toxic 2-year relationship with a narcissist while still in Florida, which literally nearly killed me and left me shaken and shell shocked. Despite the man's obvious mental issues, I convinced myself that I loved him, and it took nearly all I had to extricate myself from the controlling anger and chaos which our relationship had become. I have struggled with issues of self-esteem, anxiety, and depression all my life and in November of 2013 finally gave in and went on SSI disability. The monthly amount is small and that's been challenging, however I am grateful for what I do receive. Getting onto disability has been a loss in its own right - to the self-concept, pride and self-esteem. Over the past 5 yrs. or so, I've developed something called PGAD which makes it impossible to sleep virtually every night. I search constantly for what can help and need to get a handle of it since the sleep deprivation compounds the feelings of loneliness and loss and can make even the simple things seem over-whelming.
- About my Loss:
- My darling father left this life at the age of 82 on the 2nd of November, 2014. My mother passed in 1989 from breast cancer, one month after her own mother. My feelings towards my mother turned out to be extremely complicated, which has complicated my grieving of her losd. My grandma and I were loving friends as much as grandparent-grandchild. I'm, obviously, much less raw where their passings are concerned, however I do still miss them both, even greatly, at times.
My father had been declining over the 9 months before his death, from complications of internal bleeding following a fall. Despite being a grown woman, Da had always felt like my protector in this life. Since he died, I've been heartbroken, anguished and very lost. He remarried 19 years ago to a woman so pathologically insecure that she always saw me as competition for his love. To an extent, I lost him on the day she entered his life. After the funeral, she physically attacked me, ripping my glasses off my face and my watch from my arm and breaking both. I was horrified, outraged and numb all at once, despite having known for a long time of the deep resentment she held towards me.
Smaller, though still deeply affecting for me, were the losses of my 2 dear kitties, one of whom never came home one day in late May of 2014, presumably having found a place in nature where she wanted to make her transition. She was an elderly girl, greatly beloved, and in the end stage of renal failure. The boy, my darling fluffy old bear of a long-haired orange tabby, disappeared 2 nights after Thanksgiving of last year, from the back deck of the house where I had just moved us all several weeks prior. He was quite old, himself, although he was NOT ill and could have been around for at least a few years more. I believe that he may have become prey to one of the large owls I have since realized live in my area. My grief and guilt about his death are still intense.
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