Majorie,  You pretty much wrote my story, just different names and dates and i am so, so sorry you have had to find your way here to this site although it will be one of the most caring places you will find to help you find a way to cope with your feelings. Mainly because we are walking in your shoes and know how painful this is.

You feel broken because you are broken.  You keep on crying and you will for quite awhile.  This is not to try to make you feel worse but to steel you for what is to come.  

I was married 35 years.  My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on dec 26th and died Jan 21st in 2013.  I don't have children but did have a cat.  Our cat died sept 11th 2015.  So i have been dealing with this grief of my husbands death for just a little over three years.  This is hell.You  already know this in just the short time you have had to deal with it but no one gets it better than we do.  It's hell.

For everyone who comes here I want to just be able to walk up to them and give them a big hug.  I don't know if it is for me or them but I would like to do it.  But instead I come here and read and read and read……and then I write and write.  It is one of the lifelines I have used because unfortunately there have been too few others that helped me through this morass.

What I found here was honesty.  Honesty about how much it hurts.  How hard it is to cope.  How much we hate what has happened to us and how do we deal with it.  We look for solutions.  We talk to each other and understand that we aren't crazy for feeling this way and that in particular there is no time limit on how long or how we grieve.  It's not actually the same as doing the actual work of coping because each of us have different circumstances and so we each have our own individual ways of coping but it helps to know you are not insane for feeling this way.

Like this morning I read Rachel and Alice T's posts.  It still stuns me to know that the feelings they express are ones I can still relate to.  Still.  Even after three years.  Grief is a much slower process than most people allow the room for and there are some things that we grieve forever.  

No rhyme no reason, no real answers…….we talk about feelings here.  The raw emotion and our struggles with trying to understand where the old me went.  We say things like, I was buried with him (or she) the day he died.  Or I will never get over this, and we mean it.  Or like rachel said" shitty with waves of horror"  or I call it going from bad to worse but I have yet to really see good.  

Time is not a measure of grieving.  Feelings are.  And for you, right now, you are where all of us have been and we know how bad the dream of waking up to a spouse (or for that matter there are plenty of people here who have lost parents, siblings, sons or daughters) who are in the same boat as we are and in the earliest of days it is horrendous. I think grieving  has more to do with how honest we are being with ourselves and how deep the relationship was even if it was not long of duration.  Death is shock and you are about to undergo the worst of it.  

I could ramble on for much longer but please know we are here, together, for each other and as much as none of us wanted to be here in this community of spirits we understand you because it happened to us.  You will see what a difference that will make but for now as painful as it, know that we are also walking down your path.  I am not a religious person but I do believe that this site has given me the support I needed because my brain cant wrap my head around anything else that would purposely make my life such a living nightmare but each to their own.  Whatever helps you are going to need because this is nothing you