Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Karen Crowe
- Female
- Pocono Pines, PA
- United States
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Profile Information
- About Me:
- I am 45 years old. I teach HS biology. Never married.
- About my Loss:
- My 41 year old boyfriend passed away on June 25, 2016 when he collapsed on the train on his way home from work. He was brought to the hospital emergency room by ambulance and that's when I received the call telling me that there was an emergency and I needed to get to the hospital immediately because he was in critical condition. 20 minutes later when I arrived at the hospital he was already intubated and unresponsive (as he was since he collapsed). I had been the last person he called. Unfortunately I hadn't answered that call because I was at a jazz performance and didn't want to be rude and answer the phone during the performance (we were sitting directly in front of the band). I spent the next 2 days at his bedside praying for a miracle that was never answered.
We lived separately, in 2 different states actually, but thankfully had spent the previous two days together as I was off of work and could be with him.
The day he was to be removed from life support his uncle informed me that he had spoken with him two weeks prior about getting me an engagement ring. Comforting? Somewhat, I guess.
I have so much guilt because I didn't get him to go to the doctor when he complained about his shoulder and back hurting about a month prior to this happening and again a week before he passed. He went to see his friend who was a physical therapist the week prior to his death, and was told to go see a doctor if the pain continued. I don't know if it continued, but he did not go see a doctor. Since we started dating, he refused to go see doctors. There was twice, once when he had a cold and needed medicine and another time when he had a kidney stone.
We were together for 4 and a half years, but knew each other our whole lives. Because of our jobs, we did not live together, but spent every weekend together (and many vacations). Our first year together he had some time off due to a work-related injury so we spent a lot of time together, which resulted in our strong foundation. He was always "the bachelor" of his group, never having a girlfriend for too long. When we got together that all changed. We went through some tough patches, due to my issues, but we were headed in the right direction and things were really starting to happen, plans were being made for a future together.I have guilt over ever questioning where we were headed.
I have talked to many people about the medical aspect of what happened and things in our relationship, all of which I have received perfectly acceptable answers to, but I still am not satisfied and keep reverting back to questioning EVERYTHING.
I guess I am looking for reinforcement and comforting words.
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