Jodi,

You entered a new dimension, an alternate universe on 3/17/18.  Its a universe those of us here who have lost a spouse know all too well.  The best advice I can give without going into long involved explanations of how to live is to take baby steps.  And know that anything you do is a victory.  Brushing your teeth.....victory.  Eating anything.......victory.

I always think about my own desire to commit suicide since my husbands death and wonder if whether my want to exit parallels what those who do die from their own hand is similar.  Is the pain they suffered as searing as the pain I have tried to cope with during my own grief?  Does the pain you are suffering from his death and the fact that you are a mess, is it somewhat the same as what drove them to exit?  And if so, we should understand why they did it?

I am not stating this as fact only something I have thought about when I have my own thoughts about how much relief I would feel from my grief if it at all resembled the kind of burden they carried.  I'm not sure I am making the sense I want to but just so you know you will be comforted here because we are all trying to reach out for answers as to how to cope with the bomb that went off in our heads.  

When love departs and we are left standing alone in the world it becomes the hardest time in life.  Recovery is elusive and all you can do is keep reaching out.  You probably wont find alot of answers but you will find periodically a place to rest your soul.  We are here together for support.  I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.  Try a minute at a time.......baby steps.  

morgan