Christina Brown
  • Female
  • Sandy, OR
  • United States
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About Me:
I am 45yrs old, living in Sandy Oregon ( a suburb of Portland) I am an only child. I have a wonderful 22yr old son. I have been married for almost 19yrs. Unfortunately its not a very happy marriage. We have grown so far apart. My loss has only made our distance grow. However even though I know I need to move on with my life, I just can't find the courage. I am disabled by severe chronic pain and arthritis. I have no income of my own so this makes it much harder for me to try to leave my husband and start over. So for now I live in limbo. During my father's illness my husband became a heroin addict and hid it from me until I found his stash, shortly after my father died. It hurts so bad to know he was deceiving me all the time, I needed him most. He is in recovery now, and I am glad for that. However its very hard for me to let go of the feelings of betrayal I still experience.
About my Loss:
Christmas day will mark 6months since my Daddy passed away, after a very long and agonizing illness. I lived with my parents 3-5 days a week to help care for my father for the entirety of his illness . He had a very rare disease called Amyloidosis. It slowly turned his heart tissue into protein. He was on hospice and confined to a bed for over 18months before he died. Watching my Daddy waste away to a skeleton, was the hardest thing I have ever had to experience in my life. In my Dad's final days he looked so terrible,like something you would see in a horror movie. I would give anything to take that image out of my mind. He developed dementia during his illness. Often times when my mom and I were trying to dress him or make his bed, we had to roll him back and forth in the bed to accomplish anything because he was practically paralyzed. During those times he would get this child like look of terror in his eyes. About 6 weeks before he died he suddenly became more lucid than he had been in his entire illness. He constantly cried and begged my mom and I to help him because he didn't want to die. I believe this will haunt me for the rest of my life. In the months since he died I don't feel like I have moved even one step toward acceptance or healing. The pain is as raw now as it was the day he died. I cry everyday and have withdrawn from everything and everyone. I spend most days sitting in my dark bedroom watching TV. Even the smallest errand feels impossible. I have the worst anxiety I have ever had in my life on a daily basis. I go as long as 3 days without sleeping, and even eating feels like a huge chore. Nothing tastes the same, and nothing feels the same. When I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking at a stranger. Just an empty shell of who I used to be. If all of that isn't enough to deal with...This rare disease my father died of is hereditary and as his daughter I have a 50/50 chance of developing the same illness.

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Rosa Guzmán updated their profile
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Grandma sewing room

So I am almost done with cleaning my grandmas sewing room that wasn’t touched in 10 years because of all the mess, but now that she passed away 2 days ago, I don’t know if I should continue, I wanna finish what I started but I don’t know what to do, my grandpa is still alive and I don’t want to leave this burden on him.See More
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