Dear Bri Z, I am so sorry for you many losses, I know how much you must be hurting. Please know that you are not alone. I too have suffered many losses, my Mom when I was 8, my Dad when I was 18, my brother, who was only 38 and most recently my son, Zach, who was only 23. I have so many more, too many to even count. I know like you said it is so hard to understand the why of it all, but unfortunately I think bad things happen. For me, I have to think that God is shaking his head up there too, not understanding the why either. I was in church a couple of weeks ago, and my pastor said that sometimes we make bad decisions which might lead to bad out comes. That God didn't make those thing happen to us, it was just bad choices. I know in my son's case that is definitely what happened. He was with friends hiking, and he chose to try to get closer to the edge of the waterfall to see it better, he slipped and fell to his death. I am so  sad and sometimes angry that my son chose to take that chance, but he was always so full of life and taking chances. A friend of mine lost her only son about 9 years ago, he was murdered. She told me that she had to make a decision, to either give in to her grief, or chose to be a survivor, she chose to survive this pain. I too have chose to survive, though it is not an easy choice, I have many other loved ones that I chose to live for. You are in my thoughts and prayers friend. Big hugs. Robin