Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Barbara Oleynick
- Female
- Milford, CT
- United States
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- About Me:
- I was a college instructor for 15 yrs and a nurse for 43 yrs. I am a survivor childhood sexual abuse, dealing with the aftermath of such in many years of therapy. And while I had several siblings who dealt with the abuse by numbing their pain with drugs and alcohol I did not. I had no point of reference for the disease of addiction that John struggled with so desperately. Last year I was given a diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer all while trying to help John maintain his sobriety. It felt like I was drowning and so Jan first my husband (John's stepdad) and I got John a hotel room, and then helped him find a house share. He lasted only 47 days, dying on February 17th. I know he is no longer suffering, that my belief system is that he is in a better place and at last at peace, but I miss him. I want him back so badly I ache. I keep revisiting the last several years looking for the point in time that would have made a difference in the tragic outcome. I finished treatment on January 4th but have been hospitalized twice for complications. I'm afraid to live...to go forward and need to speak to others who understand.
- About my Loss:
- John was my first born, with whom I shared a close relationship and similar experiences. He was smart, kind, gentle, funny with a great sense of humor. He loved to talk and write poetry. We brainstormed about writing ideas. But he also suffered from anxiety and depression. He struggled with completing his degree, going from one school to the next. He was in and out of depression for which he was in treatment and on medication. Finally when he was 26 he shared his secret. He had a dark secret that he held until that time. He was sexually abused by a priest for 4 years. All throughout high school, a Catholic high school. The priest gave him alcohol and money and then drugs. John could never face what had happened and when the courts awarded him $500,000, in 2003, he went through it in 18 months and began his journey of mental hospitals and rehabilitation facilities. At 39 he felt his life was over, even though he kept trying, kept taking three steps forward he fell back five steps each time. When I became ill he spiraled downward and hated himself for adding to my already full plate. He wrote an email 10 days before he died, asking us to remember him as the loving, kind, and gentle Sweet John not the man that he had become.
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