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Comment by rachel_micele on December 15, 2015 at 1:55pm

"Maybe I am trying to make my dark and beautiful scars on my outside (to perhaps) match my dark and beautiful scars I carry inside....?"

I understand Tildyc. I have felt the same. I don't have any tats, Gary liked it that way even though he had both arms sleeved out. I have thought a lot of getting a half sleeve in dedication to him. Can't quite put my finger on why or put it into satisfactory words but I'm so drastically and forever changed/scarred on the inside, it's like something needs to show through to the outside image. A battle wound as this time in my life will forever define me.

Comment by dream moon JO B on December 13, 2015 at 3:40pm

tildy i speak 2 sky ask why

Comment by Tildyc on December 13, 2015 at 3:37pm

And plz do not misunderstand me on this.

The love we had was life sustaining and all ever wanted. So beautiful and true. Our love is irreplaceable.


But this loss and pain is debilitating. And its consequence on my soul and mind have been horrific and ugly. I am no longer alive. I only exist. Waiting for the day it all finally goes dark for me. For this agony to finally end.

Comment by Tildyc on December 13, 2015 at 3:27pm

I've come to believe
these dark, beautiful and sad, scars- which I've put upon my body (my tattoos)... Are actually only outward images (works of art) of my scars that reside within me.
The scars within me are debilitating but at the same time- in a distorted way- beautiful. Beautiful because, my scars only exist due to our love that existed- still exists. If it weren't for our love- I wouldn't have this cursed and unescapable pain.

This sadness has consumed my soul and taken up permanent residence within. These scars are only beautiful in context due to the deep and beautiful love I carry for him- my Mark.

Maybe I am trying to make my dark and beautiful scars on my outside (to perhaps) match my dark and beautiful scars I carry inside....?

Comment by Tildyc on December 13, 2015 at 1:13am

Yes- I only had 2 tattoos before he died. Since then- I've gotten many more throughout these last 10 completely useless and wasted months. And I have thought about the reasons I have burned these beautiful, dark and sad pieces of personal art into my skin.

I had considered for a just a moment it may be a form of trying to release this god awful unbearable pain. And- it could well could be a small part of it.

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 12, 2015 at 10:28am

This is amazing to me. It's so expressive of what's happened to you, Tildyc. To all of us.

I think it's good you got it done onto your back. D had extensive work; tattoos that were really fine art. I miss them, miss tracing my finger along their outlines.

I'm scared; it's so painful and empty every day. All that remains is pain now. It's so scary.

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 12, 2015 at 10:16am

AnneJ

what a fierce and wonderful love you have.

Comment by dream moon JO B on December 12, 2015 at 1:04am

anne i feal so dead coz of so mush loss

Comment by morgan on December 11, 2015 at 11:52pm

Anne,

That was a pretty powerful confession you just wrote.  I think that is why I come here.  I can read the most profound, powerful, introspective strikes of lightning in words.  

Everyone writes because it is coming from such a deep place and it always has so much wisdom as to what life really means.  It comes from a place that only half of us experience.  The other half of those people, those whose bond that tied two people together for eternity.  

I too have cried almost every day since he died, maybe two dozen days of reprieve over the past almost three years, but as you said " on my knees sobbing and sick and out of my mind" only my craziness has taken a different form, but I have exhibited it as well.

And now reality has replaced the shock and I know he is never coming back and i know what that means.  That gut wrenching realization that I am forever alone.  That there is no more love for me.  Thank you for offering up your tears.  I think I will add mine to your river.  

Wish for me that the hardness in my throat is what I want.

Comment by morgan on December 11, 2015 at 11:26pm

Tildyc,

What a sad tree.  

I sit here day after day now wondering how any of us are going to repair our hearts.  I am getting fewer moments of absolute desperation but it is being replaced by a bitterness, a hatred of all things.  I want to know why I am being punished.  I want to know why it is necessary to keep enduring this separation from the only love I ever knew and live this empty existence and because I can't get the answer to that I am getting more hateful by the day.  

Now when I am not crying I am wasting time.  That's it.  I am sitting wasting time.  I am extremely hopeful the hardness that seems to have appeared in the right side of my neck at my jawline is cancer.  I really do.  I want cancer. If it is it might take awhile to blossom fully but I do feel something.  I don't plan on getting anything checked so that way I can take it up to a point where nothing can be done for me other than to relieve pain.  

I just don't want to live to be older.  I have no desire to get into my later 60's-70's and have more physical complications that happen to an older person.  No, I would prefer something now, sooner.  Plus, more importantly,  I don't have to keep living this meaningless existence.

I'm just really tired of spending endless hours and days missing the light of my husbands eyes.  The warmth of his embrace. His caring guidance.  Him.

 There is nothing that can bring any level of joy now.  It's all just doing what it takes to pay bills.   What is that?  A meaningless existence.  I can watch tv, use my computer and even do some things that use my intellect as a diversion.  But the end result of all of it is just like Tildycs tree.  Broken and sad.  

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