Comment

Comment by Bruce Armstrong on September 24, 2017 at 6:59pm

So lonely in the evening house is empty nobody here -been 3 months after 54 years with her I miss her and can't seem to stop crying need that companion and love close

Comment by bluebird on September 23, 2017 at 3:54pm

Thank you, Trina and everyone.

Comment by Shelley Sawhook on September 23, 2017 at 3:32pm

I think I may be losing my mind.  Last year at this time I was living with my sweet, wonderful, considerate husband and my youngest child.  Now I live alone.  I try to occupy myself with my animals and am working on volunteering somewhere, but I am disabled and doing things on my own are so hard.  I sit here and wait for my husband to come home from work. 

He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma January 2016.  The tumors were almost gone by October of 2016 and we went on a whole family vacation to celebrate.  At the end of December he had a heart attack, on our youngest daughter's 18th birthday.  It seemed minor and he joked going into surgery but he never woke up.  He was in a coma for 10 days before I had to take him off of life support.

I have to live with turning him off, losing the love of my life (people we know called it a fairy tale), moving and my daughter moving out in just a few months.  Mostly I am numb.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 23, 2017 at 3:22pm

Bluebird and Trina,

After 4 years waking up every morning is the worst part of my day.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 23, 2017 at 3:17pm

Bluebird,

No matter how many years go by, I am on Number 4, I will never happy again until I join him. he was my true soulmate and Husband.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 23, 2017 at 3:06am

Dear bluebird,

There are no words to offer you as you mark the fifth anniversary of your beloved husband's passing. I can only say that I feel deeply for you, and my heart aches at your pain. I know the feeling you are describing only too well. For me too, somehow the night is more bearable (I talk to Joseph when I am in bed and somehow I can feel him there in bed with me), but getting up to face the new day is brutal. Every morning (very late for me) as I wake up, I have to nerve myself to face yet another empty, purposeless day without the love of my life. So I can relate to exactly what you are saying. Like I said, apart from saying that I feel deep empathy for you, there are no other words to say which might bring you a little bit of comfort. Just know that I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Big, big hug, Trina

Comment by Nancy on September 22, 2017 at 10:16pm

Exactly bluebird.

Comment by bluebird on September 22, 2017 at 10:06pm

I have to say, Nancy, I envy you the 43 years. My husband and I were together for nearly 13 years, but married for only one week when he died (massive, unexpected heart attack).  But no matter how long a couple is together, when they are truly in love the pain is horrific when one dies.

Comment by Nancy on September 22, 2017 at 10:04pm

I'm exactly where you are bluebird. Only it's only been 4 months. We were married 43 years. Got married young. I know no other life.

Comment by bluebird on September 22, 2017 at 9:31pm

Today marks exactly five years since my husband died. 

I still wish I had died when he did. For me, it's not the nights that are the worst part, it's the mornings.  Of course I do miss him at night -- I miss cuddling with him, I miss making love with him, I even miss his snoring.  But I just watch tv and/or muck around on the computer until I can't keep my eyes open anymore (with the assistance of Benadryl or a sleeping pill), and then I'm asleep for a little while. But when I wake up in the morning, very often I wake up with a start, with my heart racing, hearing myself moaning. I wake up and reality comes rushing in -- my beloved husband is dead and I don't know if he still exists and if I will ever see him again. Plus all the other shit in my life.  It's like I have to steel myself to even drag my ass out of bed to get ready and go to work or whatever.

I still don't believe this is real, I don't believe that this is my life. This will never be real to me, in a very literal sense -- it is too horrific to be real. I feel as though I am stuck in a nightmare, in some fucked up alternate reality (like the "Silent Hill" movies, if you're familiar with those). 

I love and miss my husband SO fucking much, and nothing will be right unless/until we are together again.

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