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Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 2, 2017 at 2:47am

My husband Joseph and I used to take trips very often, and so like the rest of you who have taken trips, it comes with a lot of pain as it stirs up old memories. I have taken a couple of trips, one with my family, and it was hard; everyone was happy and light-hearted, and for me, at every step I missed Joseph, and it brought back all the memories from our many, many trips over the years. It was hard, very hard. But I took another trip with my university friend, who was also widowed a few years ago. That trip was a good one (by good I mean okay with a few good moments here and there). The reason there were good moments is that my friend (whom I saw for the first time after 30 years) and I were mentally in synch. Both of us intuitively knew how the other was feeling, that the trip was bringing up happy memories and those happy memories were causing pain. Unlike other people who always laugh foolishly, or say the wrong thing, or are are impatient, she and I were very good to each other, considerate and thoughtful. So at the end of the trip I realized that it had been healing. I will be taking another trip with my friend for winter break. She being a widow herself understands... so unlike all the others. This has been my experience with taking trips. 

More than three years have passed since the day when Joseph left this world, and every single day i wish I were with him. My desire to join him on the other side has not diminished one bit after all this time, and I don't expect this desire to ever go away. To envision life without Joseph is simply heartbreaking...

Comment by Paul on September 29, 2017 at 4:23pm

Your situation pretty much sums up my hellish existence on this earth, JenShep. Others just simply can't grasp what you, I and the others on this site are going through on a daily basis. It's been six months without my wife now. I can't comprehend enduring years like this.

Comment by JenShep on September 29, 2017 at 4:05pm

It seems like every distraction, whether it's a trip (which I can't tolerate but, like a lot of you on here, people keep urging me to take) or work or dinner out with a friend, just postpones the anguish for a little while and then it comes back almost amplified because I've taken a short break. There is really no escape. And I'm most comfortable when I'm at home alone, surrounded by our things and maybe even him. When I can succumb to the pain whenever I need to. I keep wondering if I can live out the rest of my years this way, just going to work and coming back to our home and trying to feel like he's here with me. Seems a sad existence but I can't see anything else. 

Comment by John T. on September 29, 2017 at 3:54pm

I went with family to visit antique shops and out to lunch last weekend.  It seemed every other thing I saw sparked a memory.  All I could think was how much I wanted to share the day with her.  All the talk seemed like noise and the laughter was so hollow to me.  I just wanted to get home to the cats.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 29, 2017 at 3:48pm

Maxey,

I agree taking a trip without my husband didn't do a bit of good, all it brought back is memories of all the fun we had. The night is better for me too. Daylight just brings pain. It has been four years and it hasn't gotten better for me. All I have is my sweet dog Babie J and she is better company than humans. Her love is unconditional.

Comment by Maxey on September 29, 2017 at 11:55am

It seems that waking up and facing the day for most of us is the worst. Yes, the night seems more bearable since the darkness seems to envelop me when I go to bed. It seems to cover up some of the pain. The light seems to enhance it and make it real again.
I do keep questioning why I should continue living such a purposeless life.
I have thought of taking a trip, but I know I would stand around the whole time thinking of times I traveled with my husband. I would be a wreck, crying at every memory. Sounds like a great way to spend a trip, right?

Comment by Nancy on September 24, 2017 at 10:19pm

Exactly Bruce and M. Nothing is the same

Comment by Bruce Armstrong on September 24, 2017 at 9:54pm

Take a trip would be great if you had that very special person to share it with-people just don't understand how much it takes away from you as a person

Comment by M Adams on September 24, 2017 at 8:03pm

This take a trip advice must be widespread -- I was so stunned to get repeated phone calls and letters from one aunt telling me to go on a cruise within a month of my husband's death. I guess my non response is why there were both letters and phonecalls. She told me that was what my other aunt had done right after her husband's death, so apparently it is something people do. I couldn't imagine how anyone could bear it. It's been fourteen months now and I still can't envision doing anything normal, let alone something social and celebratory like a cruise. It would be so horrible for me. Yet I guess it is helpful for some. For me it's bad enough shopping for food now and seeing things he loved, like the fancy chocolate bars or the cheese crackers, and not needing to even look or care what they have.

Comment by John T. on September 24, 2017 at 7:23pm

Bruce, it's just overwhelming at times.  This month is our anniversary, the anniversary of our first date (the most significant date to her), and the 3rd year since I lost her.  I have no one to talk to about any of this because my family seems to be running as fast as they can to deny growing older and avoiding the thought of what I'm going through.  I sure as hell don't want to upset anyone around here by bringing up anything unpleasant.  I'm sorry, they're good people but deep down they are afraid.  The thought of personal loss is something most of us avoid and I probably did the same.  So, I keep to myself and wonder what the point is now.  I understand how my mother felt after my father died suddenly at age 52.  She never recovered and everyone thought she was a little bit crazy.  The thing is, my mom and dad were close friends and allies.  I was blessed to have them as parents.  Now, they're gone and my wife is gone.  And all I'm hearing is I ought to take that train trip across country I always talked about.  As if that would heal everything and I would be all would be well after I return.  Ahead are all the holidays again.  More to deal with and another hurdle to clear.  To what purpose?  

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