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Comment by Nancy on October 12, 2017 at 5:14pm

Someone put a beautiful poem on here somewhere I read this past weekend.  It said something like praying for your last breath then praying its not your last breath.....now I can't find it.  Does anyone know what I am referring to?  It really hit home for me.  Thank you.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 7, 2017 at 3:48pm

Dear Stewart,

I have stayed with site for 4 years, 6 months since I lost my Husband, your poem is beautiful. Sometimes I am surprised I still can get up every morning to a life without him.   

Comment by Nancy on October 6, 2017 at 11:06pm

It gives me comfort just reading what everyone here writes about. I can relate to it all and it helps.

Comment by Elynn m on October 6, 2017 at 2:07pm

Jennifer, I don't think they will be able to undestand what you are feeling until they walk in your shoes. It's sad to say, but true, one day they will walk there. If you are around when it happens, just remember how it feels, then you can be a friend to that person, because you really CAN relate to the problem. A few of our friends have said, "I'm sorry i hAven't called, but I don't know what to say to uou.". I appreciate their honesty.

Comment by Elynn m on October 6, 2017 at 1:59pm

My two year mark was September 27th. My sister in law was here with me. She's been very kind. I still see her every month, even though she and her husband live an hour away. I've learned to appreciate people a lot more than I did before. GREAT SONG, STEWART! I'm always reminding my friends to tell their spouses how much they appreciate one another before it's too late. They probably think I'm crazy, but I know how important it is! I miss Joe so much, and would give anything to tell him in person how much I love and appreciate him!!!

Comment by stewart p on October 6, 2017 at 11:53am

I use to post on here a lot first couple of years, now nearly 5 years later lots of new faces, anyway thought Id drop in and just post this.  Ive junked out on Netflix ever since just for a distraction, watching one of my favorites for  the 4 th time around and listened to this song for real for the 1st time and oh shit it tore me apart ever since.  Here's what I do know so far after these years thinking, hoping, waiting and wanting for it to feel, look, seem different.  No matter the time, the space or whatever else Im becoming convinced by now it never changes.  This is not something to get through but to learn to live with and maybe with a bit of our Lord's grace it gets just a little bit more manageable with the passing of each day.  Maybe someone out there might find these lyrics as dear as I have:

Take it back
I would take it back
For just another minute
Just another chance with you

Give it up
I would give everything up
Every last breath
Every first taste, for you.
Just to make it alright.
Just to make it alright.

But its too late, to go back.
I can see the darkness, through the cracks.
Daylight fading, I curse the breaking.
The day is gone.
The day is gone.

Run away
I ll just run away
like a child
from all them to you
And now I see
my most constant mistake
is i don't know what I love till its gone

But its too late
To go back
And I can see the darkness
Through the cracks
Daylight fading
I curse the breaking.
The day is gone.
The day is gone

Its too late to go back,
I let the darkness seep through the cracks.
Love is bleeding, I curse my breathing.
The day is gone
The day is gone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke92CDVQsb8

Comment by Ronnie Luethy on October 6, 2017 at 10:56am

I also am very tired of the advice I receive from others that have never experienced this loss. Even my parents at 80 mean well, but can't truly imagine the hole losing Annette has left. I'm told I need to be strong and get our 14 year old son through this, but he takes after Annette and has been the strong one, comforting me each time I break down (which is often). 

I decided to move because the memories were destroying me constantly. It has helped a bit, have new experiences. The big problem I never considered is every time someone asks where my husband is, I have to explain I had a wife and that she passed. I live in Belize and that is not the most understanding place. I'm educating people and making some friends, but it constantly tears thru my heart.

I wonder constantly what life will be like after James moves out. I can't fathom living alone.

I guess I'm rambling again. I apologize for doing that with people who have never experienced this, but it helps knowing that you all can accept and understand my issues.

Comment by Nancy on October 6, 2017 at 9:46am

I agree with all of you. I lost my husband in May after a whirlwind illness that lasted 7 months but felt like 2 weeks. So shocked then so busy taking him to appointments and he was hospitalized twice and then in April was confused. We never got to talk much about things as we were busy trying to fight the cancer. Every day is a struggle and I'm still in shock. I feel very hollow.

Comment by JenShep on October 2, 2017 at 3:43pm

Trina, You're so right... the process is different for everyone. I think I'm getting to the place (1 yr since Tom left this earth) where everyone kind of expects me to be done grieving. Even my mom (who lost my dad when he was 43 and she never remarried) told me yesterday that I need to be tougher with myself. Everyone is over it, except for me. That was definitely some unwanted advice - haha! She was more ready for my dad's illness to be over with (he had been sick for 3 years, not 5 months like my husband.) Also, my mom had kids, I don't. Also she's way more practical and less emotional than I am. So, that just goes to show you that even with someone who has gone through something very similar, her experience and process is so individual. I guess it feels hard when no one wants to offer the support that they did in the beginning. I'm so awful to think this but I wish everyone I know could just experience what I am experiencing even for a week or so. Empathy goes a long way and is in short supply. I like the fact that you experienced some comfort in your trip with your friend who is also a widow. And that you will take another trip with her. I think that's a wonderful support and relationship to have and develop. I can really appreciate the fact that even after 3 years you still wish everyday to be with Joseph. Last night I found some comfort in just telling myself that I would be with Tom soon. Even if I don't know what "soon" is. I got a lot of of your posts so thank you. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 2, 2017 at 3:10am

Just a general observation I wanted to also make. So many people--people who have never faced the death of a spouse--give advice to bereaved spouses. I suppose in most cases it comes from wanting to be kind and helpful. But these aunts, siblings, friends, and coworkers have no first-hand experience; they relay things they have heard from other people, read in a magazine, saw on some online site, etc., but not from their own, personal experience of having to lose a spouse, an earth-shattering, life altering experience, an experience that has left so many of us on this site wishing that we could reunite with our beloved husband/wife in the next life. What these well-wishers don't know is that grief is deeply individual; how each surviving spouse/partner reacts to the loss is very different for each person. So if going on a cruise worked for some one widow/widower, it doesn't necessarily mean that every widow/widower will also find the experience healing. That's why it is so irritating and frustrating to get unwanted advice, it's because people fail to understand that each person grieves in their own individual way; there's no one size fits all approach to grieving. Taking a trip or going on a cruise may work wonders for some, but not for others. Grieving would be a little easier if people left those of us grieving alone. But that doesn't happen, does it? Because everyone has an opinion about it, and they must give advice. 

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